Can I hurt myself, please?

Seriously? Please? I don't care that it's been 3 years since I last hurt myself. I want to do it so badly.... I can't take this stress... this uncertainty.. the pain....

I did reading and I'm pretty sure my fiance and I won't be able to get married until his break around Christmas... THat's too far away for me.... I wanted to get married after he graduates basic training so that in a month or two we'd be able to live together. If we don't get married... We won't be able to live together until we hopefully get married around Christmas... and then I'd have to wait a few months before we got housing... so it could be almost a YEAR without him. a YEAR. I can't do this.. I can't... it's too hard.

... I want to hurt myself... take the rings off.. hurt myself more.. pack his stuff up...hurt myself more... and try and forget about him.... I think cutting the crap out of myself and leaving him will be less painful for me...

I wish I could do that... I wish I could..

I love him so damn much. It's not fair... why do I have to be the only one hurting this badly? ... Why does his dream have to kill me like this...? I want to be supportive.... but I can only go so long without him here.... I just KNOW if I have to wait that long.. I won't be able to... I'll need comfort and affection.... I love him so much... but I can't be alone... not for that long... I'm not that strong...

Maybe if I hurt myself right now... I'll be able to be numb enough to get through it....

Hey Squeekerz,

You need to think clearly here, 3 yrs is a fantastic achievement and very positive thing. Self harm is not the answer here, please promise me you won't undo all the great work that you have done.

You can still get married so continue to focus on that. Go do something nice for yourself - maybe go for a walk clear your head, have a cup of tea, get in the car turn the music up and scream.

Hugs, thinking of you...

Comingoutofmyshell wrote:Hey Squeekerz,

You need to think clearly here, 3 yrs is a fantastic achievement and very positive thing. Self harm is not the answer here, please promise me you won't undo all the great work that you have done.

You can still get married so continue to focus on that. Go do something nice for yourself - maybe go for a walk clear your head, have a cup of tea, get in the car turn the music up and scream.

Hugs, thinking of you...

Thank you. I know... I'm being ridiculous. It's just so hard when I start feeling low. I've been focusing on our marriage to help me get through the days he's gone. When I start reading things that make it seem like it will take too long to reach that goal... I freak out. I really wish that I could talk to him... it would help SOOOo much. I don't think anyone realizes how hard this separation really is for me.... -sigh-

I'm glad I have the support I have here. Sometimes I wish I had more instantaneous support though. Ha... 'cause if my friend hadn't been online to vent to until I got a response, I think I'd have continued crying my eyes out. I did find out that even if he and I can't get married after basic, within a few weeks he'd be free to leave base and we could get married wherever he is during his schooling. ugh... I wish I knew all this BEFORE he left... it would've prepared me so much....

Squeekerz wrote:

Comingoutofmyshell wrote: I'm being ridiculous.

No you're not, it's a trait that comes with the condition, we all freak out and panic at some point. Remember to tell yourself you're a good person, and look back at your achievements.

Continue to focus on the happy day and just take each day at a time. Think of all the girly pampering things you can do while he's away

Comingoutofmyshell wrote:

Squeekerz wrote:

Comingoutofmyshell wrote: I'm being ridiculous.

No you're not, it's a trait that comes with the condition, we all freak out and panic at some point. Remember to tell yourself you're a good person, and look back at your achievements.

Continue to focus on the happy day and just take each day at a time. Think of all the girly pampering things you can do while he's away

Haha! I should try and avoid that TOO much, 'cause then I'd go crazy with my spending. lol Maybe I'll buy another corset... I know! I should splurge and buy health drinks and stuff, 'cause I don't eat often... but I'll drink my meals. Haha!

I can't imagine how hard that is.

I don't think I'd be able to do it. You are very strong squeeks. I commend you and I'm sorry you're going thru this time. Hopefully things will get better<3

what are you afraid of?

Hi Squeekers. Im sorry to read your having such a tough time! Its is so great that you have manged to not Cut in so long. I hope you can stay strong. It might help to imagine how far a journey you have traveled since you last SH'd. Kinda like this. Imagine each dash as a time you didnt cut. Each space between the dashes is where you chose a healthier and more nurturing way.......... A loving way.
You-------------------Shelf harm-----------------------Stopping---------------------------------------------------------------------------------
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
------------------------------------------------------------Now.
I hope you have found some support today, some healthy distractions. I hope you found some Love inside for you. You deserve goodness, kindness, tenderness and gentleness. I hope you Bless your body, with Nurturing your feelings, and not with harmful actions.
We have to begin with being good to ourselves.
With Hope and a Hug,
One

onebravegirl wrote:Hi Squeekers. Im sorry to read your having such a tough time! Its is so great that you have manged to not Cut in so long. I hope you can stay strong. It might help to imagine how far a journey you have traveled since you last SH'd. Kinda like this. Imagine each dash as a time you didnt cut. Each space between the dashes is where you chose a healthier and more nurturing way.......... A loving way.
You-------------------Shelf harm-----------------------Stopping---------------------------------------------------------------------------------
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
------------------------------------------------------------Now.
I hope you have found some support today, some healthy distractions. I hope you found some Love inside for you. You deserve goodness, kindness, tenderness and gentleness. I hope you Bless your body, with Nurturing your feelings, and not with harmful actions.
We have to begin with being good to ourselves.
With Hope and a Hug,
One

Thank you. I have definitely found support in my fiance's family. If I didn't have that support, I wouldn't be able to make it through this. Through them I'll be able to go to graduation and visit him while he's gone. Without them, I would have no way to get there, because I do not have the means to travel across states alone. ^.^

In regards to harming myself, I just really want to do it when things are bad, because I want to see the cuts. I'm wondering if a tattoo would have the same effect for me... if so, perhaps I should get a meaningful tattoo on my forearm. I wonder if I could have one designed by my fiance's sister, and then their mom and I can make a date about getting tattoos. LOL

crimsonandclover wrote:I can't imagine how hard that is.

I don't think I'd be able to do it. You are very strong squeeks. I commend you and I'm sorry you're going thru this time. Hopefully things will get better<3

Thank you so much! I don't feel strong. Haha... I feel like a total wuss. I keep crying to his mother, but she is so understanding. It almost feels like she is more so than my own mother, as sad as that is. But my own mother is going through A LOT of stress at the moment, so I can't be too hard on her. My grandmother is not doing well and my mother has to regulate all her dozens of pills as well as monitor her sugar and give her insulin... She also has to make sure she's eating, 'cause she keeps falling asleep even while chewing.... Pain meds are bad for staying conscious I guess... On top of that she has to teach Sunday school, do the gardening at church, practice singing, and doing other random things. She has a lot on her plate!

In any case, thank you very much for your kind words.