I'm feeling like two different people (warning)

Some of this is me needing to vent, but also I'm kind of wondering if other people tend to feel the same way as I do. I'm not sure if it is anything to do with BPD, or people in general, or if it's just me.

I feel like I am two different people. Actually someone I'm close to said that's how they saw me, but I'm seeing it within myself and it is really frightening.
it is like i have this one side of me that (i'll call it personality #1) is honest and kind, caring and loving, very empathetic and considerate as well. But this side also has tons of guilt and depression and fear (a lot of it because of personality #2).
the other side (i'll call personality #2) is more spontaneous, impulsive and aggressive, doesn't think of consequences, and tends to be defensive and angry. When I'm in this side, I totally forget about "#1", and also i don't feel like i have any control over this side.
Anyways, the same pattern keeps occuring, and i feel like it's just a vicious circle that ends up damaging my self worth and esteem, and causes lots of negativity. It goes something like this:

-when i'm in personality #2, i often do something/say something impulsive without thinking of the consequences.
-then i eventually go back to personality #1, and end up reflecting on what happened. i tend to feel a lot of resentment for the other side (#2) because i almost feel like i have to deal with the consequences and guilt from what that side did bc i felt like it was that other side of me that did it, and not personality #1. (i'm wondering if i'm just not wanting to assume responsibility for my actions)
-therefore in personality #1, I realize that personality #2 is also a part of me too, and thus i am resentful towards myself. it hurts my self esteem and self worth. and thus i deal with lots of depression and regret and frusteration at the loss of control. I end up feeling hopeless because i felt like i couldn't control the personality #2 and also feel like i'm a horrible person.
-then i end dealing with stress or whatever, and i become personality #2 again. And since #2 always forgets about #1, the cycle begins again.

maybe i'm just thinking about everything too much. i'm not even sure if this makes sense. i kind of feel like i might be making a simple life experience into a super complicated equation or something. I tend to do that too when i feel trapped in my head. Feedback would be appreciated though lol. thank you.

Believe it or not, this post shows an incredible amount of insight. You've recognized your "false self" (#2)

The key is going to be controlling the false self and working through the issues that lead to that personality.

What you were yesterday isn't who you have to be today.

Are you in therapy? DBT can work wonders for working through these sorts of issues.

thank you for your reply!
i'm grateful for your feedback. i like what you said (the false self).
and i've just got accepted into a dbt program although i don't start for a couple weeks.

candicake wrote:thank you for your reply!
i'm grateful for your feedback. i like what you said (the false self).
and i've just got accepted into a dbt program although i don't start for a couple weeks.

Make no mistake that the false self really is just that - false. In psychological terms, it is a defense mechanism akin to how someone else might use humor at an awkward time. (I've been thoroughly guilty of this).

That's excellent you are starting treatment! Hang in there - the skills they teach you will help deal with the anxiety and fear that leads to the false self. It isn't easy, and takes a lot of work and time... you are going to hit some rough patches, but stay focused on the end goal... being healthier :mrgreen:

I don't see how you can divide up different types of 'personalities' based on what you are feeling/experiencing at the time. You are still present in your body, you are still your actual self.

My psychologist has described this really well for me, in terms of "modes" that everyone, not just people with BPD, go into under certain circumstances. With BPD there are these main modes. I think the thing you've done is label them as totally different personalities, whereas I look on it as different parts that make up your whole personality.

1. Healthy - where we would all like to spend most of our time. Where we feel happy, content, validated, OK with ourselves.

2. Punitive Parent - all those critical "I shouldn't be ill, I should be able to cope better" thoughts. Where you're really hard on yourself, scolding yourself for your perceived weaknesses.

3. Detached Protector - shut down mode. Where everything is simply too much to handle so you tend to dissociate. For me this is the worst mode because it's where I tend to have the self-damaging thoughts and behaviours. But it's a coping strategy for when things get too much - you detach yourself from your emotions to protect yourself.

4. The Vulnerable Child - that scared little kid inside each of us who really just wants hugged and told they're a nice person. This is the mode that is most upset by rejection and abandonment, and often I will flip into Protector or Stroppy to avoid feeling so vulnerable.

5. Stroppy (sorry, I can't remember it's official title - it's just what suits me). this is the aggressive, impulsive, out of control side. And this is what you labelled as personality#2. In reality, it's a mode that we tend to flip into to avoid feeling vulnerable. If you carefully deconstruct the events leading up to these "episodes", you will begin to spot triggers that have threatened to upset you and you've become angry, impulsive and a bit crazy to avoid feeling the really horrible, painful emotions.

Does that help?

candicake wrote:Some of this is me needing to vent, but also I'm kind of wondering if other people tend to feel the same way as I do. I'm not sure if it is anything to do with BPD, or people in general, or if it's just me.

I feel like I am two different people. Actually someone I'm close to said that's how they saw me, but I'm seeing it within myself and it is really frightening.
it is like i have this one side of me that (i'll call it personality #1) is honest and kind, caring and loving, very empathetic and considerate as well. But this side also has tons of guilt and depression and fear (a lot of it because of personality #2).
the other side (i'll call personality #2) is more spontaneous, impulsive and aggressive, doesn't think of consequences, and tends to be defensive and angry. When I'm in this side, I totally forget about "#1", and also i don't feel like i have any control over this side.
Anyways, the same pattern keeps occuring, and i feel like it's just a vicious circle that ends up damaging my self worth and esteem, and causes lots of negativity. It goes something like this:

-when i'm in personality #2, i often do something/say something impulsive without thinking of the consequences.
-then i eventually go back to personality #1, and end up reflecting on what happened. i tend to feel a lot of resentment for the other side (#2) because i almost feel like i have to deal with the consequences and guilt from what that side did bc i felt like it was that other side of me that did it, and not personality #1. (i'm wondering if i'm just not wanting to assume responsibility for my actions)
-therefore in personality #1, I realize that personality #2 is also a part of me too, and thus i am resentful towards myself. it hurts my self esteem and self worth. and thus i deal with lots of depression and regret and frusteration at the loss of control. I end up feeling hopeless because i felt like i couldn't control the personality #2 and also feel like i'm a horrible person.
-then i end dealing with stress or whatever, and i become personality #2 again. And since #2 always forgets about #1, the cycle begins again.

maybe i'm just thinking about everything too much. i'm not even sure if this makes sense. i kind of feel like i might be making a simple life experience into a super complicated equation or something. I tend to do that too when i feel trapped in my head. Feedback would be appreciated though lol. thank you.

It's painfully bittersweet and strangely reassuring to read this. I feel the same way. It's been a struggle for as long as I can remember

I don't have much of a Stroppy I don't think. Mine would just be an indifferent "I don't care about anything type thing. ' Sorta like the protector. I think I do have the vulnerable child, though I don't want to admit it :s.

I don't think I'm BPD, but even a non-BPD can relate to feeling they have two people inside of them.

I feel like I have this airy happy head in the clouds type side and then this serious quiet apathetic critical side. Sometimes they interconnect, other times they don't ,but they are both me and sometimes both hard to deal with. I know i have other factors of my personality in there, but that are the mian characteristics I notice. It's really just because we're all 3-dimensional and have various sides because of that. Some sides of some , though seem to be malformed or too persistent.

I too have been struggling with this and for me it is a relief to hear that I am not alone. Sometimes I am hesitant to go into certain situations because I'm not sure that I'm going to be myself when I get there. All it takes is one trigger and I can go numb. It sucks. Mine seem to be the following, so far:

Numb, Aloof: My emotions are flat, I don't feel connected to other or excitement/energy. It feels like I exist more on the right side on my head.

Underneath it all: This is when I feel small, coddled and definitely not like a 28-year-old man. I am more perfectionist and slow, not so intelligent. Very simple. Feels comfortable, but also feels like a rut. I feel like a piece of furniture.

Crazy: This is when I have so much energy that I just don't know what to do with myself. I have to say this is my favorite and feels closest to my true self. I'm not numb, I don't feel like a walking couch. I'm able to experience the different sides of me arguing for the wheel. I'd say this is being conscious, being whole. The problem is that I eventually lose it.

That's when I get say or frustrated. Interestingly enough, recently I quite smoking and I felt great and normal for about a week, heightened energy levels, felt strong, confident... now I still haven't been smoking, but I feel kind of like I did before... (mentally) I think it has to do with addiction. I am not smoking cigarettes, but my mind is working on other things... I need challenges and all sorts of things that I'm simply not surrounding myself with in order to feel whole.

I do see triggers and things that lead up to this. One is work, the lady I work for... Sometimes I feel like she can be a total bitch. Then there is a friend who I feel "has power over me".

I honestly think so much of this has to do with being some sort of call to honor yourself and take care of yourself and follow your true desires in life. I don't know about anybody else here, but there have been so many times where I've betrayed myself or not stuck up for myself and I think that's led me to become somebody else... and now that I'm realizing all of this, I have to deal with all of those false selves begging for attention.

And by false selves I mean the fact that one portion of who you are claims to be the whole thing and the real deal... as mentioned by a previous poster... it is not false as in it needs to be discarded... it is false as in it needs to be embraced along with everything else.

For example, it's like the ego... if you go shooting and have a really good shot, but know nothing about guns and people start to praise you, then you get attached to this idea that you're an amazing shooter and nobody can stop you, you're going to experience a lot of pain and frustration when that voice comes in that says "I'm not a gun expert, I'm just a dude that likes to try new things, building model cars is really what I'm good at." If you were just honest about this from the beginning, there would be balance...

So I think the road back to feeling normal is to really start to express yourself and be honest. Take a look at the world around you and see what you agree with and disagree with, tell people how you feel . If your inner child comes up with something, let it say what it has to say... take it to the park and think of times where it wasn't like that, get perspective, read books on your interests.

Anyway, I think I'm running out of steam, but I'd like to say that I'm happy to be here and read similar experiences and I hope this helps.

@ isoko

In schema therapy, no 4 is the abandoned child and no 5 is the angry child I think.