I started therapy yesterday and cried all the way through.

Well I went to see my therapist, a nice lady with an open face and friendly manner, younger than me, but not too young and very modern trendy looking like me.....I felt I could relate to her.

Anyway I told her my story right from the beginning, and even as I was telling it, it sounded unbelievable, something that would happen to someone else not rational, intelligent, educated, organised, strong me. As I was relating it all the tears started falling....I suppose it was good because I hadn't allowed myself to cry at all in the last 3 weeks, since the last 'dumping'.

When I related to her his disappearing over the years, his ignoring me for days on end, his turning his phone off, his changing his phone number, his not being there for me during crucial points during my life and abandoning me in times of needs, then him sucking me back in a few days, or a few weeks later.

When I related to her the money he had manipulated out of me over the years, the things he had stolen from me, when he registered my 2 cars in his name, 'saying don't worry babe, it will be ok, we will be together for life'. When he asked me for money and I lovingly and blindy gave it to him, because he kept promising me half of his compensation money from the government......but the money conveniently never arrived.

When I related to her that I kept him and his out of control druggie daughter for 4 months with no money from him, the girls mother or the government. When I related to her that I worked, ran the house and tried to manage the daughter, whilst he just sat at home emotionally overwhelmed.

When I related to her his rages that would go on for hours where he would project his issues and character flaws onto me. When I related to her that I had been trying to get him to go to therapy for over 3 years to get the help he so desparately needed, but how he refused to admit there was anything wrong.....he thought all these 'behaviours' were normal. SHE just looked at me and said 'poor dear, he's borderline', and I said 'I know, his syptoms are so classic its a wonder it wasn't diagnosed years ago.' I think this is because when ever he has seen a shrink over the years he has managed to manipulate them into thinking he hasn't got a problem.

I cried and said to this lady......how did I let all this happen to me, how did I attract
this man in the first place, why did I let this happen? These are all questions I'm hoping the next few weeks will help me find the answers to.

Talking to someone impartial and telling the whole story has made me see clearly the extent of his illness, I've only just touched the edge of his problems on my posts on this forum.....I could literally write a top selling novel about the last three and half years of my life.

Take tissues with you.....I always take a handful with my folder of stuff. I cry at every session so I don't bother putting on makeup as it will only get ruined and I'll look doubly hideous crawling out through the waiting area. My therapist has (jokingly) said if I feel confident to wear make-up and manage not to cry for 4 sessions in a row....that's when she'll know I'm well enough to manage without her.

And I am actually writing a book containing a lot of my backstory.....writing about things is good therapy for me. Although I've made it fictional to take away some of the sting, there's a heck of a lot of me in my main character.

Crying is normal.
I cry in therapy too, and I've been going for years.
Not every time, anymore, but I did for a while.

Talk therapy was very helpful to me.
I'm glad to hear it's helping you too.

<3

And of course, we're always around to listen if you're in the mood to vent and you're not scheduled at that exact moment.

My girlfriend rang me afterwards to see how it went, and I ended up crying on her for another hour or so. I found it very cleansing. Now I'v just got to retrieve one car from him, then my connection with him is totally over. I'm $30, 000 poorer because of him, but consider myself lucky that I came out relatively unscathed. I'm strong, resilient, I know my heart will recover, but whether I will still be the same niave, trusting person again I don't know. I feel I have learned so much from the experience, and know the next few months are about recovery for me, about personal growth and moving on. A part of me cries for him, that this is his life, that this is what has been doled out to him. I know it won't be long and he will move on to the next woman, he maybe has already, and he will 'morph' into what they want in a man, he will venture into the same interests and become a different person altogether. I know it won't last, he will start his 'hoovering' and she will discover his illness, his incapacity to cope with life without becoming someone elses life. So sad, such a waste, if only he had sort treatment years ago when his problems first started. BUT his childhood was so abusive, he had to develop juvenile skills to cope with his pain, and he was still using the same skills, and still feeling he had the same pain, even though the abuse had stopped nearly 40 years ago. What a waste of a life......at least I know I will recover, I will have a healthy relationship in the future and a long happy life....what has he got to look forward to?