Being social is torture.

I really want to believe it gets better. Every social event/interaction for me is complete misery. It's so hard to keep fighting the urge to burst into tears or sneak off into the bathroom and cut myself. I wonder if I'm just hopeless. I just have absolutely no fun being social. I'm too anxious andI have nothing to say because of years of being to shut up. Then as I got older people chastised me for having nothing to say and being "boring" or "quiet". I'm just so tired of fighting this battle in my head. Tonight was a challenge to not shame myself. I went to my friend's art opening where I knew no one and I just stood quietly sipping my drink while I stood in these awkward postions and proceeded to spill my drink on myself. It took ALL of my strength, I do not exaggerate here, to not punish myself with the sharp end of any object I could find. I just feel so hopeless. How do I find any purpose in life when I can't connect with others? Life is a about friendships, family, and community. I will never have any of that without--maybe--thousands of nights like the aforementioned where I practice not shaming myself or giving into negative emotions. But I feel like I will go crazy after that much stress.

I just don't think I can take all the effort involved in rewiring my negative emotional circuitry. And I really don't want to hear about how I should just "keep truckin'" and how things will get better someday. I get that enough in therapy. I would enjoy a simple realtion because god knows it's hard to find someone who can relate to the those with BPD. I just maybe am craving some compassion. Idk anymore. Its just so hard to sit with contentment silently when you have nothing to say yet feel you should try because you were criticized for being quiet by peers and feel #######5 on top of all that because you're reminded that nothing in your life is enjoyable.

It is hard, and it is horrible.....but it doesn't have to be. I know you don't want a pile of comments about how you can make yourself more sociable but I'm going to give you some anyway. please try to read them, take them in and not dismiss them out of hand with a comment along the lines of "but it's not so bad for you, it can't be". That's not me judging you, btw, that's me making an educated guess because that's how I feel sometimes when people are trying to help me.

You said it yourself in your message, it's anxiety. it's not that you are a stupid person who "can't even" hold a conversation. You are anxious because you don't feel comfortable in that kind of situation. I don't either. I think it's common with BPD to have this dysphoria in social circumstances. Our brains just don't know what to say and how to have small talk. We know how to talk about ourselves, and how we're feeling and what we're doing....but are also acutely aware that we may be boring people. We constantly put ourselves down so that we feel totally unable to communicate with anyone.

But it's all down to that dysphoria and then our own negative thinking. I know I've discussed this often with my therapist - that I don't know how to act, what to do, should I put music on, what music, should I have offered a cup of tea, did they expect a biscuit, did I witter on about myself too much? And that's having a genuine friend coming over for a visit one afternoon. And she simply says something along the lines of "I get on with you. we talk. the problem is inside your head - I've seen you talking in groups with people and you come across absolutely fine." And it IS in my head.....OK so I could do with some practise but I have learnt to not give myself so much of a hard time when I find myself drying up. I kick myself, but only gently. it's something I want to really focus on in the next few months with my therapist.

the thing is, if you try to avoid it, the harder it gets. By hiding away in a corner, illing your head with doubts and critical self-talk, you are making it even harder to go out the next time. You need to learn to be kinder to yourself when things go badly. You may never be the best conversationalist at a dinner party, and you will probably always feel a little awkward, but you CAN help yourself feel better. I know it's possible because I felt like you for a long time and now I go out to different groups nearly every day. I've made myself do it....sometimes it's horrible, but most of the time I come away feeling proud of myself for doing it.

Thank you so much for the support. I'm just extremely overwhelmed right now.

I feel like a big baby who can't just be mature and regulate her life normally. That's how people who don't understand treat me; as if I'm simply immature and weak. I'd say I'm pretty ######6 strong to go to school everyday and go out twice a week when both make me physically ill. I get exhausted, chest pains from anxiety, blank out mid sentence, twitch, stutter etc. I'm wondering if I'm too far gone. I am INTENSELY uncomfortable in social situations. I can't help but monitor my every move; I have zero control over my nervous system and emotions. Positive thinking does nothing, deep breaths are pointless, putting my feet on the ground, does NOTHING. I know it all takes time but it's going to take years and I'm deeply in pain TODAY. God, every one of my peers are overcoming their adolescent insecurities as they find themselves and their place in the world. Everyday I seem to regress and hate who I am more. The only people that can relate to me are the mentally ill. Come to think of it, everyone (except my one best childhood friend) important in my life that relates to me, have been mentally ill. My father is bipolar, my sister has social anxiety, 3 of my ex-boyfriends have schizophrenia.I just gravitate towards those who are mentally ill because of their compassion and maybe can't handle the unacceptance from "normal" people.

Perhaps I'm just too sensitive for this world:

"Starry, starry night,
Paint your palette blue and grey,
Look out on a summer's day with eyes that know the darkness in my soul,

Colors changing hue, morning field of amber grain,
Weathered faces lined in pain,
Are soothed beneath the artist's loving hand.
For they could not love you,
But still your love was true.

And when no hope was left in sight,
On that starry, starry night,
You took your life, as lovers often do.
But I could have told you, Vincent,
This world was never meant for one as beautiful as you.

Now I think I know,
What you tried to say to me,
How you suffered for your sanity,
How you tried to set them free.
They would not listen, they're not listening still.
Perhaps they never will..."

Small steps honey....that's the way to take it. In therapy it's called "graded exposure". Don't expect to be able to attend a big social event....concentrate on the smaller ones first. the example that always gets used is talking about a dog phobia.

You wouldn't be able to walk up to a great dane and pat it on the head, or let it lick your hand. You have to start small. Start with looking at photos of dogs (even projected onto a screen if handling the photos is too hard). once you feel comfortable with that, get someone to have a dog on a lead at the end of the street, a small dog or puppy, and gradually go a step closer when you feel comfortable. Then you get used to being in the same room as a small dog/puppy - first with it on a lead, then with it roaming free....again only as and when you feel comfortable. Then repeat the street exercise with a bigger dog, then the room, then an even bigger dog. DO you see what I mean?

With a social phobia, you again have to start small. Think of something that you would like to be able to, that feels uncomfortable, but you've maybe managed in the past to do for a short period. Maybe walking down the street on a Saturday, or sitting in the car at the supermarket carpark....then gradually increase the contact. You'll probably know best as to what stages would work best for you. Come up with a list of situations where you've felt overly anxious and then rank them from the absolute scariest to the scary but maybe......

When you do get panicky, and you will because you're doing something scary, try not to judge yourself. Say "I panicked, but I'm still learning how to do this so it's OK". Don't say anything like "I'm so stupid and useless, I'll never get any better" even though that will be your automatic thought. Write down the positive thought and keep it on you if that helps. Also, try not to wind yourself up before you go out. If you find yourself thinking "I'm never going to manage this...I'll pass out, I'll look stupid" etc, then you are building failure in from the start. Reframe your thoughts before you head out the door and it might make it easier for you. Stop the panic before it starts essentially. When you feel the anxiety building, try to concentrate on how you're walking. Think about which part of your foot is touching the floor, does your shoe rub anywhere, can you feel stones, are you on grass. Or run through the alphabet, or count the number of steps you're taking, or read car numberplates as you pass them....something to keep you focused on something other than how bad you're feeling.

These are all things I had to do myself when getting used to being out by myself after so long in hospital. I was terrified because I believed I couldn't be on my own without wanting to kill myself. I hd to build it up - from going out the ward door on my own with someone standing at the bottom of the steps where I could see them, then they waited outside the door at the botto, then at the other side of the walkway, then inside the main building, then at the canteen door, th]en around the corner, then I got 5 minutes to go to the canteen, then 5 minutes walking in the grounds, 10 minutes, 15 miutes, 20 minutes, half an hour, an hour, unescorted to therapy sessions (other than a driver), then on the bus on my own (phoning with the bus times), then 2 hours on my own etc....it took a while (several months) and I had slip ups, but I just had to pick myself up and keep on because I didn't want to spend the rest of my life in an institution.

I hope that helps