A question about recovery.

Has anyone been in recovery a few years? Does it get any better or do you just become a master of pushing thoughts and feelings to the side? Does it simply become bearable? Do you still feel like suicide sometimes? I guess everyone has read that 10% of people with bpd kill themselves. I always think its the people who don't try to recover out of fear or whatever or those that are just starting to recover and get set backs and do something drastic (because if they are not doing things perfectly, they aren't going to do them at all, dammit!).

Anyway, I would just like to know peoples experience with long term recovery.

I haven't been in long term recovery...
I don't really consider myself 100% recovered... even... just... better.

I'm far different than how I was though. I'm not suicidal anymore, I don't lose it very often. I'm just... better.
I'm a well-adjusted, productive member of society, with a job and an active social life that smiles often and lives...

I consider myself happy, really happy... that's a new feeling that when I first showed up on this forum.
I still have episodes, but normal people do to. I've asked them, they admit that sadness is a part of life. It's hard to judge.
My shrinks both agree that I'm better. Cured and recovered are relative words, and I will probably never use them in reference to myself, but I'm BETTER... ^_^

Maybe in a few years I'll feel even better. I'm not sure. I'm still young, but things can always get better.
I admit it's a lot of controlling myself, and I still freak out sometimes, but the difference is knowing that it stops, and what comes next. I know I'm in control of me, instead of the BPD being in control of me. I'm me. It's more than bearable, I'm happy, I'm more fulfilled and I enjoy life.

I wish nothing but that for everyone.

Wow, that is really refreshing to hear. On alot of faqs i've read about bpd, they say its a myth that you can not get better from bpd. So I know its not just me who realizes the depth of the #######4 and says "Oh, $#%^, I'm ###$". I'm trying really hard right now to get better, but sometimes the pain hits me sharply and sometimes its the long, slow ache that get's to me. I want to hope I can be really happy, but I keep thinking that I'm being overly optimistic. Black and white thinking, that is.

I am VERY curious about how intensely and how you feel bad, for people who have been in long term recovery.

I understand though about being different. I don't necessarily want to live, but I don't constantly feel like killing myself anymore. Its so funny to me that life is like that for me. For us, I guess. Its so......absurd. I try really, really hard everyday to function and not go crazy. To not let my thoughts control me. Its difficult. Is this monkey on everyone's back? Even long into recovery?

Also, I just want to remind everyone to post your accomplishments and praise others at my topic:
http://www.psychforums.com/borderline-personality/topic62531.html

I think you can get better. You just have to let yourself. That's the hardest part.

I have been in treatment for BPD for nearly 2 years now, but it's only in the last 6 months that I would consider myself as recovering.....since I got out of hospital and started having to live on my own after my husband ending the marriage.

It hs been tough and there have been a couple of times where I've felt almost, but not quite, as bad as before "recovery" started. But, the difference from before, is that I didn't wallow in the bad emotions so much. I accepted that I was feeling bad, tried to work out the reasons for the feelings, and I protected myself and got myself through the time. And I did all that without consciously realising that's what I was doing - the skills from DBT just automatically helped me. But the skills took at least a year to sink in.....I would say it takes 1 year of DBT to learn what the skills are, and then another year to learn how to use them in your day-to-day life. Of course, the more you practise, the quicker you can start applying them....i'm a fast learner and I did extra work outside the group each week.

The thing with recovery is that you need to start understanding "your" BPD to begin recovery. You can understand all the generalised symptoms and problems, but until you start working out EXACTLY how they apply to you in your everyday life, you won't get any better. The first step is to be able to identify WHAT you're feeling - frustration, irritation, anger, fury, hurt, disappointment, rage, lonely, abandoned, rejected, afraid.....every single one of those emotions could result when somebody cancels an arrangement with you. it's up to you to be able to label each one as you feel it, rather than feeling "overwhelmed".....not easy, but if you can put a name to at least 1 or 2 bits, then you're well on your way. It IS hard - not being able to identify emotions is part and parcel of being us, but if you really think about it hard enough, you can start to tease them apart. Once you can identify HOW you feel, you then calm yourself with an appropriate Coping Thought, like "I feel abandoned because X always has cancelled on me. it's natural to feel this way - it's not nice but it will pass and we'll catch up soon" You have to make it non-judgemental - that way you VALIDATE how you're feeling which is often enough to lessen the pain....funnily enough when I originally typed the coping thought I put "X always cancels on me" then realised that was judgemental and negative so I canged it - even with practise it's difficult!

That's some of the basic steps you can take to sstart getting control of the negative side of life. With practise you get better control over your emotions and so they have less control over you. They don't go away completely, but they get dampened down much quicker and it's not that you're ignoring them....you're just learning to live with them better. Acceptance is a big part to recovery. I now accept that there are certain things UI am always likely to find difficult in life. But I know how to handle myself when they happen, I have an excuse for them happening (i.e. the BPD - before I just felt stupid) and somehow they just seem to lessen in intensity a lot quicker. when i do have "moments", they are shorter-lived in duration and not as terrible as before. I did self-harm at the start of the month, for the first time in a while, but it was just the one scar on 1 occassion which is a lot better than previously. I have felt a bit suicidal, but again that's been maybe a 3 or 4 out of 10 (0 being actually doing something) so it's manageable....not pleasant but I know it will pass.

Just be kind to yourself - that's one of the most importnatn things I reckon. Allow yourself times where things are too mcuh and too difficult, but get back up on the horse when you can. That's what I've done in the last week and it's good.

Thanks for sharing, that's really interesting to me. I understand a lot of what you're saying as I apply it to my own recovery. I have only been in recover since Feb 7 of this year. I've "only" cut once (it was QUITE deep) and I've "only" wanted to kill myself, I mean really kill myself, three times. I just find it funny how I find that to be something to be proud of myself about! However, I am proud.

I really hope others who have been in long term recovery will share expierences about how bpd still affects them to this day.

I think the thing about recovery is that you have to keep with the program and keep trying or otherwise you can relapse. Also, major life changes can affect you in ways that will test your recovery. I know for me personally, I considered myself a recovered borderline for about 5 years. I had been in CBT for about 3 years, got involved in a stable (but dysfunctional) relationship, and did pretty well. I was recovered. No more impulsive behavior, no cheating, started back to school, worked a full time job, everything was ok. The problem was the dysfunction in the relationship finally became more than I could handle and I set about sabotaging it. I always felt like if I did something to end it, I wouldn't feel abandoned, but that never works. So anyway, when the relationship was finally over, I frantically tried to get him back. I had been wanting him gone for 4 years of the 6, but now it was an abandonment and I learned that even though I considered myself recovered (I never cut, never thought of suicide, etc), I wasn't working the tools I had. I relapsed in a big way. Back to the impulsive behavior, the suicidal thoughts. The only thing I didn't relapse in was cutting. I really wanted to a couple of times, but have at least passed that point or gained control of it, whatever. It has taken me almost a year to get to the point that I realize that I am in relapse and need to do something to get back on track. I don't think Borderline is anything that completely goes away. I think the best outcome is that we can learn to use the tools in DBT and CBT to lessen our fears, impulses, and the intensity of our emotions. I'm sure it does get easier and I certainly hope that one day I can look back and say I am truly recovered with no possibility of relapse, but I know that won't be an easy place to get to and really don't want to think about the road getting there. I know it's going to be a hard one because I have been on it before.

imkacie wrote:I think the thing about recovery is that you have to keep with the program and keep trying or otherwise you can relapse. Also, major life changes can affect you in ways that will test your recovery. I know for me personally, I considered myself a recovered borderline for about 5 years. I had been in CBT for about 3 years, got involved in a stable (but dysfunctional) relationship, and did pretty well. I was recovered. No more impulsive behavior, no cheating, started back to school, worked a full time job, everything was ok. The problem was the dysfunction in the relationship finally became more than I could handle and I set about sabotaging it. I always felt like if I did something to end it, I wouldn't feel abandoned, but that never works. So anyway, when the relationship was finally over, I frantically tried to get him back. I had been wanting him gone for 4 years of the 6, but now it was an abandonment and I learned that even though I considered myself recovered (I never cut, never thought of suicide, etc), I wasn't working the tools I had. I relapsed in a big way. Back to the impulsive behavior, the suicidal thoughts. The only thing I didn't relapse in was cutting. I really wanted to a couple of times, but have at least passed that point or gained control of it, whatever. It has taken me almost a year to get to the point that I realize that I am in relapse and need to do something to get back on track. I don't think Borderline is anything that completely goes away. I think the best outcome is that we can learn to use the tools in DBT and CBT to lessen our fears, impulses, and the intensity of our emotions. I'm sure it does get easier and I certainly hope that one day I can look back and say I am truly recovered with no possibility of relapse, but I know that won't be an easy place to get to and really don't want to think about the road getting there. I know it's going to be a hard one because I have been on it before.

That's really sad to hear and really scary too. I don't mean to make your situation all about me, but here it goes anyway. It worries me that I'm going to have spend every day, every hour, every moment sorting through all this busllshit. That doesn't sound like happiness to me.

I am very sorry, for your situation though. It sucks that we didn't want this, but we have to deal with it.

Can I ask if you were still in therapy when you broke up?
.......if not, are you going back to therapy now?
........if not, then what do you plan to do?

...I feel I have been recovering from 'something' ever since I launched out on my own many years ago. Many of my techniques would bewilder a crazy person and some of them would leave an even crazier person aghast !

I've given up quite a few times BUT something runs deeper within me and I persist believing, even without evidence, that there is something better for me than my 'unique' suffering. So.....do you have that faith ?

Even 5 seconds of clarity every third day at times in my life has kept me persistent. I am gonna look under all the rocks for as long as it takes. I get familiar with some rocks that are not helpful to look beneath and save my energy for other better rocks (so to speak).

Yes I can and will say it does get better.

I believed this so firmly that I reached my goal of getting off all the medications that were unsuitable over the years, quitting hard drugs, soft drugs, smokes,...I'm still pushing for no alcohol....getting there....

I've had so much therapy and rehab and therapy and courses and groups and...wait for it......FAILURES at all of em, but I still persist. It's a big world and I keep at it.

I would not be striving like this if I didn't believe and have faith that I can conquer my 'demons'...heal..enjoy life.

It's a fight..it's a battle.. I can't win all the battles but I can get better at choosing the ones I fight.

so...yes....I endorse persistence.

That's.....pretty inspirational really. I don't know what techniques that they prescribe in dbt or cbt but I use a lot of stop thought. I read about it in the paedophile forum, actually. When I have a thought coming on that I don't want I just....stop having it? I don't know. It works, though.

I'm curious to know what yours and other people's techniques are.