Please no.. not another psychotic episode. :(

Every few months I go through a 2-3 week period of being pretty psychotic. It's always triggered by something. Usually by something scaring me or THINKING (real or not real) that someone is lying to me. 2 months ago this happened because I THOUGHT my fiance lied about going to get fast food. How ridiculous does that sound? I know now that now but at the time it was so real.

Last night when entering my apartment at 2am, a man was in the building by the door. I was trying to open the door and he held it so I couldn't. I tried again and he glared at me and still held it shut. He looked so creepy and I was scared to death. I turned around and saw my neighbor(he's like 6 foot 3 and very intimidating looking). He asked what was wrong and I told him so he swung the door open and gave the guy a look and the guy said hi to him. He waited until I got inside and made sure I was okay. I don't know who this creepy guy was.. he went into one of the other apartments. This triggered my paranoia. I laid in bed.. wondering if he would come kill me. I was also thinking it was a planned out operation and he had been waiting for me but saw a car pull up and changed his plan.

I am still scared today. I am worrying about everything and I can feel myself slipping into a paranoid episode again. I want to stop it and I don't know how. Any ideas??? I talked to a friend this morning and that helped slightly but not much.

I saw a group of 10 people walking down my street today. I assumed they were all having a meeting about how to eliminate me.

I'll try to briefly explain my delusions:

Thinking my fiance is lying to me about any random thing. Most of these thoughts are outlandish and stupid. I feel badly that I do this to him because he's very understanding of my disordered thinking but after a week of this he's had enough and I completely understand why. :/

Thinking my future in-laws are talking about me and plotting against me. I even hear it sometimes or feel like they're reading my thoughts. This is a pretty prominent one and it forces me to be silent and not speak to them. I even cry about it sometimes because I think they're being so mean to me. Sometimes they are, honestly, but it's also part of my delusions.

Suspecting my Mom has been drinking or doing drugs or smoking. Also has been some truth to this but I go overboard.

I'm scared as I'm writing this because I think my in-laws may be spying on my computer with some sort of program or something.

I suspect someone changes the tires on my car at night when I sleep. I'm not sure what the purpose of this would be..maybe just to drive me insane.

Sometimes when getting in my car, I feel a warm sensation on the seat and I think someone has been driving it while I was inside my house. I should also point out that I'm the only person that has the keys to it.

I'm very afraid of my loved one dying and sometimes thing.. "If I don't do this task, they'll die."

I also feel as though I need to sit in a certain position while phoning someone. If I'm not in that position, then they will not pick up. I've proved this to be true.

I think military men are on the roofs of houses and building at night and they're ready to shoot me with their rifles at any moment.

I feel a "presence" behind me at night. I feel followed. It's so frightening.

I have these delusions on and off even in my "normal" life... but they hardly affect me. They really really affect me when I'm having an episode of paranoia. Can anyone help me?

Please don't suggest meds or a therapist. I tried a therapist and it didn't go well, and I have no money for another. I am also anti-med. I just want to calm down an stop it and I don't know how. I'm always open to the idea that I'm imagining these things. They are just so scary that I can't be 100% sure that I'm wrong.

I don't have much advice beyond the obvious "get a therapist & meds" spiel. It does sound horrible what you're going through, however. I sympathize.

Some of that even sounds like OCD-tendencies. Such as having to sit a certain way when calling someone.

Does rationalization help at all? How about thought-stopping, immediately pushing the thoughts away when they crop up?

Yea I was told that I had some OCD traits. It's not severe but I beat myself up over it if I change one of my rituals and something doesn't go right. The times that I've sat a different way and someone hasn't picked up the phone I get so depressed and hate myself.

Thought-stopping is the only thing that helps at all. I've been getting better with that. Every time one of those intrusive thoughts come I make my head switch to something more pleasant. It can be rough sometimes when all that comes to mind is negative things!

have you considered visiting the schizophrenia forums?? i mean... if it was anything like that i suspect it would be mild, as it is cyclical (like bipolar) and you understand you're having the delusion after the fact.

meds sound like the only answer that will have a solid effect. modifying your thinking can only do so much, as our thinking is inherently flawed (or we wouldn't be here!).

suggestions:

check out the anxiety threads. there's something called an "anxiety bag" or "comfort bag" that i find immensely helpful when i'm feeling out of control or paranoid.

"one day at a time" one day too much? "one hour/minute at a time" i've recommended this to several people here and good gods, it works! let me explain it again: tomorrow is tomorrow, it's not here yet, so i'm not going to worry about it. screw tomorrow. today is what counts, and i'm gonna do what i can now. i am in control right now, and that's all that matters. what will be will be tomorrow, but until then i'm going to deal with what's happening in THIS moment and no other. not yesterday. not tomorrow. TODAY.

try replacement behavior for some OCD habits. when i feel the urge to pick at my scabs, i tear into a pencil eraser instead. success rate... eh, 50%, but its better than nothing.

have someone on call all the time for when you are feeling scared. make sure they are available to help you, even come over and keep you company. just having someone there can work wonders on paranoia, and if something gets out of hand they'll be there to get you the help you need. keep a list of numbers handy.

good luck!

Synesthesia wrote:have you considered visiting the schizophrenia forums?? i mean... if it was anything like that i suspect it would be mild, as it is cyclical (like bipolar) and you understand you're having the delusion after the fact.

meds sound like the only answer that will have a solid effect. modifying your thinking can only do so much, as our thinking is inherently flawed (or we wouldn't be here!).

suggestions:

check out the anxiety threads. there's something called an "anxiety bag" or "comfort bag" that i find immensely helpful when i'm feeling out of control or paranoid.

"one day at a time" one day too much? "one hour/minute at a time" i've recommended this to several people here and good gods, it works! let me explain it again: tomorrow is tomorrow, it's not here yet, so i'm not going to worry about it. screw tomorrow. today is what counts, and i'm gonna do what i can now. i am in control right now, and that's all that matters. what will be will be tomorrow, but until then i'm going to deal with what's happening in THIS moment and no other. not yesterday. not tomorrow. TODAY.

try replacement behavior for some OCD habits. when i feel the urge to pick at my scabs, i tear into a pencil eraser instead. success rate... eh, 50%, but its better than nothing.

have someone on call all the time for when you are feeling scared. make sure they are available to help you, even come over and keep you company. just having someone there can work wonders on paranoia, and if something gets out of hand they'll be there to get you the help you need. keep a list of numbers handy.

good luck!

Yes! I do quite often. I can only relate to some of the things people are saying.. but they seem to insist the delusions are a fact. I'm open to the fact that I could be wrong. Someone did tell me like a week ago on another thread that BPD can cause delusions.

Ok thanks! I will have to look for that!

I've been working on living hour by hour because day by day is too much too handle most of the time. I do my best but I'm the biggest worrier I know!

I am with someone 24/7. I'd say I'm alone for about 10 minutes per day. I can't deal with being alone because of the paranoia and rejection. I alternate between my fiance and a close friend. They have opposite work schedules so it works perfectly.I try to share my feelings and that helps too.

Thank you for your suggestions!

On top of the suggestions already given, I can only add one....I don't know if this will even help, but it won't hurt, surely. When my paranoia (which is usually accompanied by auditory hallucinations) gets real bad, I drown it all out with music. Usually that's the only thing that helps. I grab up my MP3 player, and blare it non-stop until I get the paranoia out of my head. Sometimes it's quick, sometimes it takes hours; a few times I had it on consistently for a few days. But it helps. Sorry I couldn't offer better advice But I hope you get past this soon, I definitely feel for you.