Am I a NON or is it me with the problem ?

Hi,

First post - need some help. I've had (am having) a relationship with a girl who I think is either BPD or HPD. She knows she has issues and after 2 days of reading up on each subject, I think she is one or the other.

In summary - Known her 2 years, close for the last year after sleeping with her and have been in almost daily contact since. Never had a long distance relationship before but we're very close. But it's been hurtful when it shouldn't have been.

I've always known and thought there was something 'different' about her but last week she was in a mess over her current boyfriend and mentioned harming herself. This is what has prompted me to dig deeper and look on the internet for some reasoning.

We're very close and are supposed to be meeting in the next two months. I am married (please don't judge me on this - I know I've been stupid) but I just got so hooked on this girl (20 years younger).

But it's got to the point now where I'm the one wondering if I've got the issues. I'm sure I'm not as the sypmtons she displays are pretty spot on with a mixture of BPD and HPD. She seems to try to make me jealous alot of the time, is so sexually provocative/attractive, seems to have alot (nearly all) male 'friends', has been raped by an ex, seems like 2 different people at times and things just don't seem to stack up etc. etc.

I've tried to leave it alone for nearly a week because quite frankly, I'm crapping myself over what I'm involved with. Plus, her most recent picture on Facebook is one of her, in her (and her boyfriends) flat, showing her sexy stockings in a provocative pose and the photo was taken by an ex of hers. And I know she's tried to make me see it by messaging me on Facebook just to make me see the picture.

I'm starting to think I'm paranoid and it's me with the problem????

She text me this morning with a now quite normal 'odd' cryptic text and when I reacted the way I did (i.e. not particularly interested) I got the same old "you're strange" reaction.

It's hurting me on two levels. One, that I shouldn't be involved while I'm married anyway and two, I've been overall depressed with the relationship for the last year but can't break free from it.

Any thoughts, I think it's me who's going mad ?

Thanks

shock wrote:Any thoughts ?

Yes.

1. Its hurting you that you shouldn't be involved with someone while you're married - that's you, not her. You're married, and its your guilt, and your actions are your choice. Whatever you decide to do, it doesn't have anything to do with her having a PD or not.

2. You can't break free from a relationship you're depressed in. Whether she has a disorder or not, you need to ask yourself why you can't break free.

Current boyfriend ? You mean you're lined up to be her next? Or is she also planning to have an affair behind her partner's back? (Not judging, just asking.)

Cryptic texts and stockings?! Terrible, must definitely have BPD or HPD. Or she could just be a woman who is 20 years younger than you? I know you could come back at me with a whole load of criteria she fits and examples, but what i mean is that i think its not really the point.

I don't think it sounds like there's something wrong with you, but I do think you're looking for an excuse to help you stop/end the affair. How about, "I'm sorry, I can't do this, I'm married and I've made a mistake." The real point here is not what's wrong with her, but what's up with you right now? What's making you want to run off with this woman you're so unhappy with? What's wrong with your life? Your marriage? If she's 20 years younger are you about the right age for a "midlife crisis"?

Stop trying to diagnose the poor girl... talk to a friend or get yourself a life coach or something, someone who can help you figure out what isn't right, cause trying to diagnose her with a disorder before you're even really in a relationship... i get the impression you just don't really want to have this affair. Do yourself a favour and sort out what it is you do want or what you need to change in your own life to make yourself happy instead of distracting yourself by trying to diagnose someone you don't want to be with! if im barking up the wrong tree, let me know.

but still, i just can't see how it would help your situation to diagnose her.

Fair points.

Maybe I need to just end whatever this is, bite the bullet and get back to the happy me that I was before I met her.

Reading what you've written suggests that maybe this is more my issue than hers. That's possibly true but I really don't know, hence the post.

I think I've got insecurities which I haven't experienced since I was alot younger. Maybe I am trying to push my blame onto her, unfairly. Deep down, I know there's no mileage in this relationship and I'm destroying my marriage and family life. If I was a bit harder, I'd just terminate contact. But I'm soft like this and don't want to hurt her feelings at the same time as making me sad. Genuinely.

Whichever, I feel like $#%^ over the whole thing and if I've learnt one thing, never have an affair.

But I do maintain that she has some kind of issue. She's admitted this. To talk about suicide last week because her boyfriend didn't understand her is pretty severe in my book. It's put some pressure on me when she turns to me to talk about this $#%^. I just want to help her and did so accordingly, as well as I could.

It's quite a complicated scenario - one which I want out of but also feel compelled to make sure ends OK.

??

Confused? Well, I'm that, for sure.

Hi Shock,

I’ve been stupid in the past so I can’t judge you for that. Katana made some good points. Some of her behavior could be indicative of a PD; or it could the typical behavior of an immature, 20-something woman. Regardless of what problems she has or what she does to entice you; the decision is yours alone. We may want to blame the other person, accuse them of manipulating or seducing us into ruining our lives. Maybe there is something about her that triggered a chemical reaction within you, but at the end of the day you’re still responsible for your actions.

I can understand the allure of a girl 20 years your junior. Would I be wrong in guessing that it was a nice boost to your ego? Perhaps this affair provided you with thrills and excitement that you haven’t experienced in awhile. I’m pretty sure she got off on the idea of being with a married man; being desirable enough to make you stray. You can tell me to stick a cork in it; maybe I’m just projecting at this point.

Does your spouse know about this affair? Are you working on your marriage or want to work on your marriage? If this girl does have BPD or is prone to acting out, I would advise to end contact as soon as possible. It’s just that these kinds of relationships can take a very ugly turn. If she’s the kind of person who will keep pushing the ante to get your attention, this can blow up In your face and hurt a lot of people.

Hi,

Thanks for your input.

I think she is maybe a tad immature. But also very intelligent, and artful. (relevence? I dunno)

A boost to my ego? Oddly, not really. Not in a big headed way but genuinely. I didn't do it for show, it was really natural. My feelings for her were/are purely natural and not superficial. And to be fair, the feelings aren't reminiscent of my youth, they are pretty unique. I have had many girlfriends/lad night stands in my 'youth' but this was something quite different. (possibly age difference related?)

No, my wife is unaware of this as far as I know. I hope so, for both our sakes. I feel (fear) I've gone beyond a certain point. And I also fear that retribution for ending my 'friendship' may result in an email being sent to my wife, revealing all. That's a concern.

It's a ###$ up situation - that's for sure...

shock wrote:Hi,

Thanks for your input.

I think she is maybe a tad immature. But also very intelligent, and artful. (relevence? I dunno)

A boost to my ego? Oddly, not really. Not in a big headed way but genuinely. I didn't do it for show, it was really natural. My feelings for her were/are purely natural and not superficial. And to be fair, the feelings aren't reminiscent of my youth, they are pretty unique. I have had many girlfriends/lad night stands in my 'youth' but this was something quite different. (possibly age difference related?)

No, my wife is unaware of this as far as I know. I hope so, for both our sakes. I feel (fear) I've gone beyond a certain point. And I also fear that retribution for ending my 'friendship' may result in an email being sent to my wife, revealing all. That's a concern.

It's a ###$ up situation - that's for sure...

Unfortunately intellect and maturity don’t always go hand in hand. It’s funny how very brilliant people can end up doing very bat-shit, stupid things.

Two opposing things can exist at the same time. Your relationship may have developed naturally and without lewd intentions, but you’re still getting something out of it. It might be subconscious, something you can’t quite put your finger on. By your own admission this is someone who is screwing with your head and you still feel the need to be with her in some way.

Your concern about her exposing you is a very real possibility. To be honest, I think it’s a matter of when and not if. How do you think this is going to end? Are you just going to keep sleeping with this girl on the side and remain married to your wife? Is that the plan?

You never said whether you were working on your marriage or if even wanted to stay married to your wife. Do you?

shock wrote:Deep down, I know there's no mileage in this relationship and I'm destroying my marriage and family life.

Which is why you have to stop. You know as well as anyone does you're not leaving your wife and family for the love of your life, you're risking seriously messing up both your life and hers.

shock wrote:If I was a bit harder, I'd just terminate contact. But I'm soft like this and don't want to hurt her feelings at the same time as making me sad. Genuinely.

shock wrote:It's quite a complicated scenario - one which I want out of but also feel compelled to make sure ends OK.

shock wrote:It's put some pressure on me when she turns to me to talk about this $#%^. I just want to help her and did so accordingly, as well as I could.

Think about this differently. This isn't about being "hard". The other day I had to give a friend some bad news, it wasn't easy to do, and he probably thinks im a total bitch now. i did the decent thing and gave it to him straight without splitting, and having to hurt him made me sad because weve been friends for a long time. but i know it was the right thing because not saying or doing anything would have been hurting him more, at the same time as hurting me, and through that, maybe the people around me too.

if you really want the best for someone, sometimes you have to do the right thing, not just try to protect them from pain in the short term. and for you that means if she does have BPD, you need to understand if you want to rescue her, if you want to take care of her and protect her from the pain she'd have to experience, you won't be helping her.

shock wrote:But I do maintain that she has some kind of issue. She's admitted this. To talk about suicide last week because her boyfriend didn't understand her is pretty severe in my book.

i agree with that - she probably does have issues. can you imagine the hell she will be put through if you carry on like this and everything blows up - the hell that will break loose and ruin both of your lives? What about your family?

shock wrote:Whichever, I feel like $#%^ over the whole thing and if I've learnt one thing, never have an affair.

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I agree!