I feel like dying..

My mom just called me a stalker.

I have borderline Psychotic features and have problems with obsessions with others.

But.. stalker? The idea of being an emotional stalker makes me want to kill myself. Seriously.

Honey, you are not a stalker! Don't listen to that non sense. I've been called one more times than I can even count. People simply cannot understand our intense passions and emotions. You are very caring and interested in people. You want to know all details of every current "obsession" I assume. I don't see that as stalking, I see it as learning. I have learned something from every single obsession I've had and damn..there sure has been a lot of them!

Please don't let your Mom get you down like this. She doesn't understand. My Mom has called me a stalker a million times. I learned to brush it off and just laugh at her. She can think whatever she pleases because I know the truth. She could never be as passionate as me!

What you do with that information is the important thing.

To what end do you use it for? Are you using it to set up "traps"?

I've found in my own experiences, that taking a chance and learning about someone for who they are and what they tell me and especially show me through actions is far more rewarding than finding out everything about them on the internet.



Follow the feeling down to it's core.

What is "stalking"?
Is that something that is a part of who you are or who you want to be?
What can you change?

Remember that what you are now is not who you have to be tomorrow. It may even take more than one day but it's like learning to walk. You may fall. That doesn't mean you won't get back up. Past behavior does not dictate choices you make in the present.

Taken from #2 of my 9 tips for overcoming BPD symptoms:

"You must learn how your mind works. When you feel an emotion you have to trace it to it's true origin"


Why does being called a stalker by your mom make you want to die? Is it your interpretation of the word "stalker" that makes you feel meshed with the word's negative connotations? Or, is it your mom's interpretation? Does your mom's interpretation override your interpretation? If so, why? Do you equate your mom's interpretation to other's interpretations? Do other's interpretations of the word override yours? If so, why?

Sorry to go a little off topic on your thread, mmonroe,

Transponder,

Let's say I'm a chronic jerk. I don't listen to people very well. I need to be the center of attention. I think it's because I need to constantly defend myself against a feeling that I'm worthless. I'm not sure though. So I have it traced back to an origin. I guess the attn seeking has softened a little, but now I'm still cold and aloof. The reason I'm cold and aloof. . . . I think it's because I like being alone. Social interaction interrupts my train of thought and it doesn't make me feel good so there isn't much reward. Now I want to be a good dad and a good husband, but I like to be alone and it interferes. Realizing I like to be alone has helped to a degree because now I put a stronger effort to give my social energy to them when I sense they need it most. However, I still feel like I'm inferior to most people.

You seem wise. I'd be curious if you see a happier/healthier way to look at things. Am I on the right track realizing I like to be alone more than with people. Am I on the right track realizing socializing doesn't give me a rewarding feeling so I"m just not very interested in it? Who I am seems to contradict who I want to be.

tranceponder wrote:TWhy does being called a stalker by your mom make you want to die? Is it your interpretation of the word "stalker" that makes you feel meshed with the word's negative connotations? Or, is it your mom's interpretation? Does your mom's interpretation override your interpretation? If so, why? Do you equate your mom's interpretation to other's interpretations? Do other's interpretations of the word override yours? If so, why?

I guess I associate "stalker" with being completely insane & capable of horrid things like kidnapping, murder & that crazy stuff. I know I would never do those things. I'm a "stalker" completely in my head, I would never act out anything. I guess its my mom's interpretation but the negative connotations of the word override any other interpretation that I could possibly make. I like to call myself "madly in love" & "obsessive" but not "stalker". Stalker has such a horrible meaning to me.That's why I feel suicidal when I think of myself as a "stalker" because I guess I can recognize the possibility and the truth in that word when applied to me. And the fact that I'm THAT, drives me more insane than I can possibly stand.

Thanks for making me think about the word. I'm seeing my therapist today in an "emergency scheduling" because of what happened & I can't take handling the feelings without talking about them. It's a good thing that I'm thinking things over before seeing him so I can get my thoughts & feelings straight.

buddhabuddy wrote:Follow the feeling down to it's core.

What is "stalking"?
Is that something that is a part of who you are or who you want to be?
What can you change?

I kind of did this above but I just wanted to acknowledge your post & that this was a good thing for me to think about. Even though it hurt immensely to put down my fears & such in writing because it made more real, I guess. To your second question: I feel like its part of who I am. I mean, these people ARE a part of me now. They hold traits that I never had the capacity to have & now I feel as though a part of those traits are forever within me & I want to keep those things. Is that really such a bad thing?

I guess I could change my CONSTANT thoughts about them. Try to block some of them out. But my mom has a big problem with me writing about them. Like in poems & stories. But, I don't want to change that. I wrote some of my best & most passionate work when they were the subjects.

Lilycat10 wrote: I don't see that as stalking, I see it as learning. I have learned something from every single obsession I've had and damn..there sure has been a lot of them!

I should probably clarify. I'm not physically stalking these people but rather emotionally stalking. (God, I absolutely despise that word) They were people I have met briefly in my past. Like acquaintances that I met for a few months & the second one for a few days. But their impression on me was so incredibly strong. So, I "emotionally" stalk them through thoughts about them, poems & stories. Things like that. And my mom called me a stalker because I do that.

But I definitely learned something from both those women. What really drew me to them was not just their beauty & utter siren-like demeanors, but the "traits" that they had. The first woman had an utter down-to-earth quality that I didn't have but I wanted. The second girl, the more powerful obsession, had traits of immense composure & apathetic demeanor that I desperately needed. These are the things that attracted me to them & that I desperately needed for myself. So... I integrated them into myself.

My mom is thoroughly creeped out by me & it hurts. It makes me suicidal to think that she feels that way about me.

I just want to say again, thank you so much for responding. I needed some replies.

mmonroe,

Some of my feelings, if I let them go, are not acceptable. I don't know if there is any merit to this or not, but I've learned to not trust myself, not be myself and instead try to be like other people. I have immense fear, but I try to act fearless. I'm afraid what people think, but I try to act like I don't care. I want to be to myself, but I try to be warm and social like everyone else. It's all a big act. The only person I really fooled is myself. I haven't been fitting in very well with my way of doing it (the fake way).

I don't know if we're exactly alike, but you seem like you're not being yourself, not focused on finding yourself and instead focusing on being like other people. I'm guessing you're pretty young. I'm 30 years old. I tried doing it that way and it failed. I think there is something to transponder's methods of finding ourselves. Since I've done that, I'm finding I'm not what I wanted to be, but I am me and I'm starting to fit in a lot better just being me (although I have a ton of work to do yet).

MMonroe wrote:

buddhabuddy wrote:Follow the feeling down to it's core.

What is "stalking"?
Is that something that is a part of who you are or who you want to be?
What can you change?

I kind of did this above but I just wanted to acknowledge your post & that this was a good thing for me to think about. Even though it hurt immensely to put down my fears & such in writing because it made more real, I guess. To your second question: I feel like its part of who I am. I mean, these people ARE a part of me now. They hold traits that I never had the capacity to have & now I feel as though a part of those traits are forever within me & I want to keep those things. Is that really such a bad thing?

I guess I could change my CONSTANT thoughts about them. Try to block some of them out. But my mom has a big problem with me writing about them. Like in poems & stories. But, I don't want to change that. I wrote some of my best & most passionate work when they were the subjects.

Do not ever stop writing. If it is a creative outlet for you, do it.
As long as you do not act on those writings, they are just words and I imagine it feels really good to get them out.
Writing, music, art... these are all things that help express emotions and work through them for the creator, not the audience (i.e. your mom). Not everyone likes Jackson Pollock. Jackson Pollock didn't care.

Us who don't have BPD can obsess too. I still have constant thoughts about my ex. They are lessening over time, but they are still there far too much. It's a process. I know writing things out has helped me immensely.

Regarding taking on part of them as yourself... this is an interesting concept to me that i may not fully understand but I'll attempt... i would love to hear feedback on this:

Let's say you were born with one arm tied behind your back. That doesn't make you bad or wrong, just different. You still have 2 arms, you just haven't figured out how to untie that other one. You meet someone with 2 arms that are not tied. You cannot take one of their arms to complete yourself. The way to get two functioning arms is to learn how to untie that other arm.

BuddhaBuddy: It's funny that say "never stop writing". I just came back from my (emergency) therapy session & my therapist said the same thing when I said my mom told me to stop writing about her. Basically because I used to carve her name into my thigh & arm. He said, its much better to let it come out creatively & make beautiful art then to be self-destructive. So he is fully supportive of me writing about my feelings. Plus, this is the first time I'm actually proud of my work. So he wants me to latch onto that as well.

Your metaphor was really interesting to me. I guess what you're saying is that, instead of taking "her" & "her traits" into myself. I need to try to find my own unique traits within myself that I'm searching for? That's how I interpreted it anyway. I can certainly relate to that however.

Well, I feel MUCH better after my therapy session. I think I just really needed to get my feelings out. I did cry a little bit when talking about my mom calling me a stalker & how the thought of being one makes me want to commit suicide. Its one of the few times I've ever cried in a session. We talked a lot about what my relationship with this woman REALLY is. And that its not a stalker relationship. We shifted through a lot of things. But he really increased my mood & made me more lighthearted with some jokes & such.

I don't feel suicidal anymore. Thank god. I feel much better.

I think the key to this is just to try to get out my feelings as much as possible & try to figure out how I can integrate this & eventually not "need" her anymore. I can't just bury it within me like my mom wants me to. It will only burst out again another time.

MMonroe wrote:BuddhaBuddy: It's funny that say "never stop writing". I just came back from my (emergency) therapy session & my therapist said the same thing when I said my mom told me to stop writing about her. Basically because I used to carve her name into my thigh & arm. He said, its much better to let it come out creatively & make beautiful art then to be self-destructive. So he is fully supportive of me writing about my feelings. Plus, this is the first time I'm actually proud of my work. So he wants me to latch onto that as well.

Your metaphor was really interesting to me. I guess what you're saying is that, instead of taking "her" & "her traits" into myself. I need to try to find my own unique traits within myself that I'm searching for? That's how I interpreted it anyway. I can certainly relate to that however.

Well, I feel MUCH better after my therapy session. I think I just really needed to get my feelings out. I did cry a little bit when talking about my mom calling me a stalker & how the thought of being one makes me want to commit suicide. Its one of the few times I've ever cried in a session. We talked a lot about what my relationship with this woman REALLY is. And that its not a stalker relationship. We shifted through a lot of things. But he really increased my mood & made me more lighthearted with some jokes & such.

I don't feel suicidal anymore. Thank god. I feel much better.

I think the key to this is just to try to get out my feelings as much as possible & try to figure out how I can integrate this & eventually not "need" her anymore. I can't just bury it within me like my mom wants me to. It will only burst out again another time.

Our parents' generation is funny. Many, if not most of them are really sweet people.

But they don't get "it". They were never encouraged to be creative, to tap into healthy "madness". They were never encouraged to think outside the box. They didn't take (healthy) chances and they didn't live. They like TV and fast food. Their generation gave us the cold war, vietnam, the threat of nuclear annihilation, Nixon and Reagan. They want to tell us that our generation is insane while at the same time, at any moment they might blow up the world just because they don't like communists?

/endrant: the point is that our parents are good people, but they don't know everything.



Your therapist is absolutely correct: carving her name on your leg IS NOT HEALTHY. Writing on paper is much more efficient anyhow and if you misspell something, it's a lot easier to go back and fix it.

I think you got my metaphor.

I'm happy for you that you don't feel suicidal anymore as well. I'm sure that it's a much better place to be in. "I feel like living" seems like a more apt title for the thread now