Cant cope

I don't know how to survive anymore. Ive been spending the last 2 or 3 weeks trying so hard to hold myself together and be strong hoping my boyfriend would see the improvements and changes and have time to see that the person he fell in love with is still here and that we will be able to work things out. Last night he came home after i had rung him at work in tears as my aunt had just died and told me I have 2 weeks to figure out what I want to do and move out of our house, he doesnt care about me: well he does but only in the way that he would care for anyone walking down the street as a human being, when he hugs me and kisses me he doesnt actually want to he's just being nice to me because he feels sorry for me, none of the things he said when we were happy together were true and i could just be anyone; none of what we had means anything to him. I love him so so much, i have never in my life met anyone i got on with the way we did, we were perfect together, we had everything in common, we had a wonderful life, beautiful house, so much fun, ive ruined it by acting the way i did and ive thrown it all away, i had everything i ever want it and i acted like i did and have lost it all. I hate myself, there's a huge empty hole inside of me and the pain is circulating around it, i feel sick, i cant think, im trying to go to work and put on a brave face and im dying inside, i dont want to imagine my life without him, i cant bare the thought of him belonging to someone else, i cant live with this pain, people say it will get easier - when i was single every day was a nightmare, it was being with him that made me happy, without him i have nothing, ive never met anyone in my life as perfect for me as him, i dont think i will find another one, i cant stand the thought i was so lucky to have such an amazing person, that i threw it away and someone else will have him. I cant live feeling like this, i want it to end now, i dont want to hurt my family but I dont want to be here, i cant function and i dont want to have to try anymore, the pains going to get worse if i leave our home and then seeing him with others, i cant cope now i'll never be able to cope then. I want to end everything, i want to be able to do it without hurting my parents but I know i cant so im just going on suffering but i dont know if i can take it much longer.

hi, sorry your going through all of this right now. theres not alot that i can say accept that i have bean there and it sux. big hugs.
after reading your post i just wanted to say that try not to blame your self for everything, remember that noone is perfect and that includes him although i know how hard it can seem like he is right now.
do your best to be rational if you can, and help your self to calm if posible.

in relationships eaven were neither one has baggage neither is perfect and neither is the relationship, so try not to be so hard on your self.


big hugs x

Oh hunny....(((hugs)))). I could have written that post last June. My husband and I had been together since we were 18 - so nearly 13 years, and married for 5 and a half. He was my other half in every way. He understood me, accepted me and loved me. But my behaviour (frequent suicide attempts) tore us apart. And I try to look on it as it tore us apart rather than I pushed him away, because it's not quite so painful (still painful, but not quite so negative).

I was in utter despair when he told me it was over because it felt like it came out of the blue, although later on I did realise that I'd noticed things were different the weekend before and for several weeks before that. Like you, I fought really hard for several weeks, trying to prove how much "better" I was and I even promised never to try anything ever again, if he just gave me another chance. However, after so many weeks I reached the point you are at just now and tried to kill myself yet again. But I got help in time and then I just felt really stupid because with that one act I had absolutely shut off all hope of him ever taking me back. Nearly a year down the line and I still hope that one day he will change his mind, but deep down inside I know he's not likely to. It doesn't mean that the 13 years we had together were a waste, or that the time we had together meant nothing to him. The good times we had made it all that much harder for him to finally admit it was over. We have 2 wonderful daughters so we have to keep on seeing each other and it IS hard. I'm not going to lie and say it isn't hard seeing him each week and only get polite conversation out of him. It's horrible when he says things that upset me, whereas before he would go out of his way to keep me happy. I know he cares, like he cares for any of his friends, but he doesn't love me anymore and its not nice. It is horrible, because without him I feel incomplete - but I try to look on it as rationally as I can and say that feeling incomplete is part and parcel of BPD; it's why break-ups affect us more than normal.

BUT - I am living with all these feelings. I eat more chocolate than i should, and I still alternate between wanting to punch him and hug him, and I still curl up inside at the thought of him seeing someone else, but I can live with it. I have a nice little flat which I have decorated how I want it - no compromising on colours to suit both of us. I get lonely, but the TV is good, as are forums like this, and I can chat with friends via text or facebook of an evening.
I was part of a couple for so long, and it defined who I was - but I'm slowly learning who I am as a single entity and i think it will help my recovery that little bit more. I HAVE to work out what I like to do, what music I like, what I want to watch on TV etc., rather than doing whatever he wanted.

So please, take it from someone who knows what you're feeling - don't do anything that will hurt your family. Don't hurt yourself because it may only be another nail in the coffin lid - it's the proof he may need that you aren't getting better and that he's better off on his own. That sounds harsh, I know, but if you want to win him back then you have to keep on with the good work. It might still never happen, but along the way you will learn how to manage on your own and learn that it's a valuable tool. Learn that you CAN be independent and you'll feel that bit stronger. He may never want to try again, or he might. But you have to get on with YOUR life now, which is the hardest thing you will ever have to do. But you can do it and we are all here to help you.
x

I'm going through almost precisely the same thing right now. So much so that it would be pointless to write anything about it as you've pretty much written it all for me.

I'm not going to annoy you with trite advice. That sort of thing always annoy me, anyway. I'm just here to say that I know.

I feel you, and I'm so sorry sweetie. *hug*