What am I not seeing here??

Well I was dumped yesterday by my BPD partner for the trillionth time, but this time felt different. The day started well, we were very loving and close, then I refused to buy him an iphone, he created a fight and dredged up old issues, and he ended up saying the love has obviously gone, dumped me, packed his bags and asked me to drop him off at his friends. Inbetween the drama of the argueing and him packing his bags, we were having a 'normal' conversation, he was calling me sweety and darling, making us a cup of tea and commenting on a skint that had come into the house. Is it just me who finds this strange and unusual? Then on the 20 minute drive to his friend he was telling me he wasn't the man for me, that I should be with someone with a job and money etc. I said to him, this feels like dejavu, you have left so many times before, why is this any different/ He said the last time you told me I had a mental illness, I told you that if you ever mentioned it again, it would be over....and I said, but I said I brought your mental illness up nearly 2 weeks ago and haven't said anything since because I realised you still wasn't ready to accept it, and you have come here to see me and being all 'lovey dovey' for the past couple of days, and suddenly because I tell you I'm not a walking bank, you dump me....I don't get it??? Folks, I don't get it!!! Then there is the normality of his conversation......what am I not seeing? And the fact that the day before he was telling my work mates how he was looking forward to moving up here to be with me permantly, and telling me how it would all work out fine when he moved in etc. I move house on Tuesday and he was going to move me, and I deliberately got a bigger house so there was room for both our stuff, and he was pleased about the move, but then on the drive down to his friends, he was saying it will be a new beginning for me moving into a new house, leaving the old behind (meaning him I think).
Why would he deliberately pick a fight with me? Then turn it around, and be super nice, humble and self effacing? Had he planned the dump for a while or is it another one of his impulses? If he had planned to dump me, why come here and why be all nice? I think he picked a fight because he wanted me to dump him, he has done that in the past, but when that didn't work, he decided to be nice and try and make me feel good about the break up. When I told him I was confused in the car down to his friends, and said I didn't understand what was going on, and asked how he could be so loving with me this am, only to dump me a short time later. I told him he deserved an academy award, and asked him whether he had ever loved me.....and he said something like I'm only seeing what i want to see, or what he wants me to see.....BUT what am I not seeing??>?

Hi, delljoy! Maybe he means that you can't "see" his feelings or mood swings. It must be tough for him, but maybe this could help him eventually see that he needs to talk to a doctor. Don't expect to make sense of his behavior, maybe not even he can do that right now. Is there anyone else who might help you convince him that he needs help?

Think of it this way:

When i think i'm a bird, i eat worms.

When i think i'm a cat, i eat birds.


The times when i'm a cat........i don't think i'm a bird. I can't understand why birds eat worms.

The times when i'm a bird........i don't think i'm a cat. I can't understand why cats eat birds.



When i say i love you.........I mean it. I can't understand how i could feel any other way.

When i don't love you.........i mean it. It's gone. I can't understand how it feels to love you.



Now imagine..........i can't control when i shift into a bird. Or a cat. I can't control when i love or when i don't.


How would that look to someone, on the outside? When i can't even see it..........and it's happening TO ME!


That's essentially it.


He is mentally ill. You can't understand it so well.........as you are not.


A person like him.........cannot be made to get help. They have to make themselves.

Something has to happen, to "awaken" them. Many, perhaps even most........never awaken.


Much like, in life........many, most........never awaken.


Changing one's mind, is hard. Changing one's mind when one feels there is no need to do so. Impossible.



Can you go back and answer your questions? Answer them for yourself now?


Did he plan on dumping you? Yes. Probably........i can plan to do anything, when i feel like i want to.

Why act nice? Because he changed his mind. He felt differently..........i can abandon any plans, depending what comes up.


Was he aware he was doing this? Probably not. He sounds like he's not very aware at all.



I think the real question is...........why do you endure this? Why do you stay with him? Why has this happened a trillion times?

What is it about your personality, that causes you to invest and re-invest in this relationship? This never ending cycle of abuse. (even if it's uncontrolled, it is abuse)

Wow...... Thank you..... You are so right, I have finally found the strength to let this man go.... I finally understand that is a form of emotional abuse, I finally understand that I can't 'heal' him because he doesn't think he needs to heal, I finally understand that it is pointless telling him he is mentally I'll because he thinks he is the 'normal' one. I have finally seen the light and realise I have been flogging a dead horse, and with love I can now finally let him go.... Again I say thankyou xx

Good luck, delljoy! I'm glad you're going to put yourself first from now on.