Help Me with my friend problems.. "please"

Hi,

A few years ago, a therapist told me that I had BPD. I ended up getting frustrated with the counselor, and never returned. Recently, however, I've been extremely emotional, sad, and angry. I need help finding a therapist that knows how to help me. Do you recommend ones that "specialize" in this? I am extremely critical and harsh when I speak to people so finding a good one is important to me.

In the meantime, I'm reading through these forums and getting more and more upset. I'm identifying with so much of what I'm reading -- I can't believe that others feel the same way that I do. Throughout my entire life, I haven't been able to keep close friends. We always end up fighting and never speaking again -- that is my m.o. I'm so sensitive, I can't take rejection at all. If I feel that a friend is choosing someone or something else instead of me, I become very insulted and hurt and I end the friendship.

I've been getting a little better. I moved to a new community 5 years ago and made some good friends. Last year, however, I felt like a good friend rejected me for a different one. i haven't spoken to her since and have alienated myself from her and the group that used to hang out together.

That is my history... pretty sad, huh?

Anyway, I'm now feeling very hurt over another friend. I'm especially hurt because I've personally done a lot to help her and I feel very betrayed. I can't sleep, I'm eating everything in sight, and I'm upset all the time. I know that i am not in a mentally stable place in my life right now, however, I don't know what to do. I want to confront her nicely and clarify this and let her know that my feelings are hurt and that I feel taken advantage of... Is this recommended for BPD's? Should we talk to people about our conflicts?

I know this all probably sounds incredibly stupid -- but these feelings are killing me. I can feel myself dying and I feel so much pain I don't know what to do.

Thanks for your advice.

I do this all the time. I can never keep friends. Most of the time I get super irritated with them and start ignoring them completely. I don't even care most of the time. However, if I still WANTED to be friends and they ditched me I would go into a complete rage and self harm.

Does your friend know that you have BPD? Or that you at least have some "issues"? If she does then I'm sure she can be somewhat understanding. Nobody will truly understand what we go through because they've never lived it. I always feel the need to talk to the person I'm having a problem with (if I still want to be friends with them.). If I go without saying anything I go into a deep depression and stop eating and cry all day and night. Once you talk to your friend you will feel better.

You can start by telling her that your feelings may be somewhat irrational but they are still your feelings and they aren't going to change. That's how I usually put it and people are much easier on me and try to understand instead of saying.. "Wtf?? You're insane.". Let all of your thoughts & feelings out in the nicest way possible. Then you guys can mend things and still be friends and hopefully prevent your feelings from getting hurt again. Talk to her asap so you can start feeling better!

You sound a lot like me.

I really don't have any close friends, anymore, and keep people at a distance simply because I know what the outcome will be.

I think you run the risk that your comments may come across as harsh. I know in the past when I would try to do this what was important to me never seemed to be important to the other person, and ended up turning into a bigger deal.

In regards to you getting back into therapy. There are DBT programs that some of the people in the forum have had success with. I'm gonna be staring it in May. If you prefer to just see a therapist it's definitely important that they have some knowledge in BPD. Not all therapist take borderline personality seriously. At least that's been my experience.

talking about things is recommended for human beings you have to let people know how you feel if you want them to understand. maybe you'll both understand something about how both of you feel, that might help explain things from either side. definitely tell her how you feel about things and talk it through - even if your feelings turn out to be irrational, it doesn't make them any less valid. hopefully you can both figure things out.

talking about things is recommended for human beings you have to let people know how you feel if you want them to understand. maybe you'll both understand something about how both of you feel, that might help explain things from either side. definitely tell her how you feel about things and talk it through - even if your feelings turn out to be irrational, it doesn't make them any less valid. hopefully you can both figure things out.

This is true, however I think a lot of us (at least me) have problems articulating what were perceiving or feeling and how it's bothering us. She made a comment that she is extremely critical and harsh speaking with people. There is a real possibility that her words will come out sounding blunt and to the point.

While I agree speaking your feelings is a good thing, I'd proceed with caution. You may want to practice what you intend to say with someone else and get their input...

Hi,

I'm on the other end of the problem. My best friend (who has BPD) recently walked away from the friendship and I feel heartboroken and don't know what to do. She recently moved away and and before she left she told me that I was "an irreplaceable person" to her but then she was very cold to me when I mentioned keeping in touch and when I suggested I go visit her sometime she said "I would avoid doing that". After she left she gave me her new phone number but whenever I text her she is very cold in her replies. I think she is trying to cut me off and I don't know why.

I'm really trying to be compassionate and understand BPD but I am also very hurt. Can you explain a bit more the way pushing away those closest to you works? And for those friendships that you've walked away from in the past, would you consider returning to them if the other person approached you?

I empathize with you completely...reading your story felt a bit like reading my own. Though I have managed to keep two of the very close friends I've had my whole life, that's not to say even those friendships have not been compromised by my extreme notions of "loyalty" and deep hypervigillance to any perceived betrayals. I too have split black and cut off MANY past "significant" friendships...though I will NOT say that they ended without good reason. Then again, if we didn't feel we had a good reason, why else would we have ended it? Anyway, these two lifelong friendships I have SOMEHOW managed to preserve have been tested many times as a result of these current friends maintaining ties with past friends that I have split black and cut off. It seems like nothing can get me angry quicker, or form a pit in my stomach faster, than hearing or seeing (via Facebook, etc.) that my friends have spent time with, or communicated with, these DEEPLY-hated EX-friends. In fact, even hearing the NAMES of these people is enough to make my fragile mood do a complete 180. I prefer to pretend that people I have split and/or cut off have ceased to exist at all...so when they are mentioned, it obviously rubs me the wrong way. It's a loyalty issue to me...I would not speak to ANYONE who wronged a friend of mine, or who a friend of mine hated. PERIOD. under ANY circumstances. Is it really too much to ask that in return?!