Why do I like hurting my boyfriends?

first of all, by keeping boyfriends as plural, I don't mean to say that I'm currently in a relationship with more than one. But everytime I've been in a relationship, I've had this instability.. so much so that I've consciously or unconsciously hurt them.

To give you a little insight of my history:
1) I've had loving parents.. but they were also very violent. I've been physically abused since I was a child which stopped just two years ago. (I'm 19 now, and do not share good relationship with either parent.)
2) The first time I fell in love, I was cheated on. The same very weirdly continued for the next three relationships. Tragic and very unbelievable, I know. Since they were my first relationships formed at an immature age, I was very attached to the people involved, devastated when truth hit me and had no idea how to handle it.
3) Due to the family pressure and relationship turmoil, I resorted to cutting myself frequently.. forming words on my skin with the blade, such as ANGRY, LOXE, I HATE <3
4) By this time, you must have realized I was pretty ****** in the head. I had many "stupid" theories like never hurting people who love, because of which my first kiss and sex was UNaccording to my will, but I kept my mouth shut just because I didn't wanna hurt them. Today, I realize, that the consequences of it are far greater than I thought. I've smoked up a few times, and 50% of the time I'd felt or imagined nails gnawing at my vaginal wall because of which I've had epileptic fits.
5) I really attempted suicide last year. Really, because, I'd attempted it before but not so seriously as that time, ever. I survived, and now I've evolved into this very optimistic person very ironically and astonishingly.

BUT... I still like hurting the people I date. It's unconscious, and I realized it just today! I go through this phase of loving them so much that they'd believe I'm their soulmate, denying my relationship with them when they would pine for me and ask me to take them back.. whilst I'd have my eyes on someone else and attract them to me too! I've cheated on thrice till now. But then.. I'd go back to them, and the cycle goes on! Till I have a new victim.
WHY?

You answered your own question, really.

Look at your history. If you know anything about psychology and the theories behind the cause of this illness, then you also know that parental abuse or neglect typically trigger it. Typically, it's our first intimate relationship (the one with our parents or first caregiver) that characterizes how we will behave in all future relationships.

You hurt people in intimate relationships because you have come to associate loving someone with hurting them (because your parents, the people who should have loved you, hurt you). I would venture to guess you have come to associate love with pain, as clique as that sounds. I also think that, in general, Borderlines tend to sabotage relationships by behaving hatefully toward their partners because they're afraid of getting too close to another person in an intimate and loving way. Because if you become genuinely intimate (in an emotional way) with your partner, then you're opening yourself up to the potential to be hurt by this person. It's almost like a preemptive strike. You hurt your partners to push them away before they hurt you.

i agree with Cat Eyes there, you did answer your own question...

ive also read under the fear of abandonment borderlines have an even bigger fear of intimacy. i understand the hard to let people close part, i struggle with that a lot too. my way of reacting is different, but i think the underlying problems are often similar, i guess people just react differently. i guess you need to work towards taking it more slowly, letting people in bit by bit. i know its not something you can do just like that, but its a "bigger picture" thing. as Cat Eyes suggested, wanting to hurt your partners could be a mix between fear of intimacy, because you feel they will hurt and abandon you, and hurting them before they can hurt you, sometimes it can be anger at the original pain too.

I am the same way.

It is so hard. If I don't fight constanly with my intimate partner I don't feel they love me and I find the relationship hallow. Odd isn't it?

I don't like when things go well.

It's a struggle everday who knows if it'll go away.

I agree with what was said..............

And also would like to add, trust. You don't trust people. You may think you do.........but you probably are incapable of actually trusting anyone.

That could be (IS! lol) why you like to hurt people also. You like to hurt them and hurt them some more, and if they take you back.........it gives you a happy feeling, like they really must want you. Which is probably as close to trust, as you are currently capable of having. Power is your form of trust.

WHich is awful.


That does suck though eh?

My first "real" gf.........cheated on me. It was almost like confirmation.


You may also have some HPD traits going on.............

Well, they seem to think it's all those reasons, probably true...

But I'd like to throw this out there...
I was not a victim as a child.

I still liked hurting guys, for a long long time...
Because it was fun. The sense of control was awesome.
Why did I like that? There have been many theories.

There will be many theories about you, and many have been listed here.
Only you can narrow down the truth.

The reason why, however, isn't always so important and the reason why you stop.

I grew out of my sadistic habits to hurt those I loved.
I'm much more grounded now, and that's the important thing for me.
Maybe the question you should be asking yourself would be "what would make NOT want to hurt someone?"
Or... "what would make me feel safe?"

I dunno... just a thought.

thanks guys! It would seem very stupid, but I didn't know you could post replies to your own post, hence the long time for thanking you for the amazing replies..

I guess you all are right in different measures in various ways. I just dumped my (ex) boyfriend yesterday, and while he whimpered over the phone yesterday, i liked the sound of it. So sadistic, so utterly disgusting and disappointing.. but yes, I like the feel of having control over mine and someone's life. I never go out o my way to dominate though, but I latently do so. I'm NEVER the possesive kind, instead I tell most of the people I've dated till now that I trust them enough to leave them in a hotel bedroom with another girl, or I wouldn't ever freak out if I saw them in an intimate position with another lady randomly, but only I seem to know that those are just lies and my trap to get them closer to me!

and yes, I do have big trust issues. I'm committment phobic for the same reason, probably. It's like.. I want the love, I crave for it and the physical display of it like holding hands, kissing and the smallest and sweetest ways of its expression, but whoa.. once I really fall for someone it's a different ballgame! I run away from them, I cut myself to punish myself for getting attached. But otherwise, I'm constantly trying to attract someone or the other.. easily, without taking it the least seriously.

I hate myself for being so complicated. And I know noone can ever love me truly, if they know what I really am!

arundhati0110 wrote:thanks guys! It would seem very stupid, but I didn't know you could post replies to your own post, hence the long time for thanking you for the amazing replies..

I guess you all are right in different measures in various ways. I just dumped my (ex) boyfriend yesterday, and while he whimpered over the phone yesterday, i liked the sound of it. So sadistic, so utterly disgusting and disappointing.. but yes, I like the feel of having control over mine and someone's life. I never go out o my way to dominate though, but I latently do so. I'm NEVER the possesive kind, instead I tell most of the people I've dated till now that I trust them enough to leave them in a hotel bedroom with another girl, or I wouldn't ever freak out if I saw them in an intimate position with another lady randomly, but only I seem to know that those are just lies and my trap to get them closer to me!

and yes, I do have big trust issues. I'm committment phobic for the same reason, probably. It's like.. I want the love, I crave for it and the physical display of it like holding hands, kissing and the smallest and sweetest ways of its expression, but whoa.. once I really fall for someone it's a different ballgame! I run away from them, I cut myself to punish myself for getting attached. But otherwise, I'm constantly trying to attract someone or the other.. easily, without taking it the least seriously.

I hate myself for being so complicated. And I know noone can ever love me truly, if they know what I really am!

Right you probably like to take all you can and give nothing back. Sadly I am the same way. I am all about being "Loved" but not "Loving" if you get what I am saying.

Right you probably like to take all you can and give nothing back. Sadly I am the same way. I am all about being "Loved" but not "Loving" if you get what I am saying.

That makes me wonder sometimes, if the case would be different if i was homosexual. I'd have to admit that off late, I've become more and more inclined towards lesbianism and have had so many fantasies and dreams with the same sex! I never fantasize about men, but it's not the same when it comes to women. Maybe all the constant drama and negativity with men has hurt me so bad, that I just want to hurt them the same way again and again, even though they come with different faces and personality.

Maybe it would be tough for my parents and even me (keeping in mind Indian society is one of the most narrow-minded ever), but probably keeping my hands and hearts off guys, and projecting the love and attention to the same sex would work better.
I don't want to hurt after all. Myself, and the others.
The immense awful pleasure I get while hurting others, makes me feel so so terrible and inhuman afterwards. But it's so uncontrollable and unconscious. And this recent obsession with lesbian thoughts reminds me that I'd read in an article once that BPDs are confused about their sexuality. Well, I'm following the track very religiously then.. lol!

Do you (or any other members with BPD) think that it might be the attempt to transfer your own inner pain to your partners? Perhaps show them how much you hurt inside?