Girlfriend possibly has BPD

Hello everybody,

I've been with my girlfriend for almost 4 years now. I've dealt with her moods pretty much right from the start. They weren't AS noticeable the first few months, but in hindsight, I can see that they were just sort of hidden by the way our relationship began. I've used several words to describe her. Some nicer than others, to be honest. But what is true, is that being with her is ALWAYS walking on eggshells. I can say something to her that I've said 100 times over to 50 different people, and she will be the only one to lash out over it. Usually getting up, getting angry, and shutting herself in a room. She is extremely sensitive to any kind of criticism. So I've been stuck between just keeping my mouth shut about everything. If I have an issue with her behavior, I have one of two options. Either I don't say anything and it continues. Or, I do say something, she becomes unnecessarily upset, and it will still continue. So I do a lot of biting my tongue. But even with biting my tongue, I somehow manage to "get into trouble" with her on the daily basis. I've been thinking that maybe something is more deeply wrong here than her just being sensitive. She claims that I'm critical and negative. I've even somewhat started to believe this, but it's never been an issue in the past. I've spent the last 2 years looking at myself regarding this. Is this in fact my issue? And while I have definitely found I have some issues of my own, nothing has indicated that they are the source of her anger. I see that for her, I very much am though.

So a while ago I started thinking that she had some type of mood disorder. BPD seems to describe her on MANY levels. I'm not doctor and I'm not claiming that I know this is what is wrong, but I really do think this might be the issue. The problem is, in the past two years, I have, in the heat of an argument, suggested that she was bipolar. I don't actually think she is, but it's often a term used to describe intense mood swings, as wrong as it is. She went mad over that! It was probably the most angry I had ever seen her. We took some time apart and when we talked about it, she wanted me to retract the statement in almost a desperate way. I did retract the statement, because as I mentioned, I don't think she is bipolar. What I wanted to say was "I don't think you're bipolar, but I do think there is some other diagnosis." I didn't. I just let it go.

Here comes my dilemma. Something needs to change. I can't live like this. Everything I do is wrong somehow. In order to make it through a day, I literally have to kiss her ass the entire day. I love her, which is why I've stayed. Ideally, she would go get some help. I could give more if I knew she was trying to get help. But I fear I will get the same reaction as I did before. In fact, I'm almost certain I will. She is extremely judgmental of people with any sort of mental health issue. I can't see her ever even admitting to herself that she has a problem, letting along walking into a doctors office and asking for help.

What should I do? Walk away? Beyond how I'd feel about doing that, I'd feel horrible just walking away. She needs help. But at the same time, she is in her mid 40's and has managed to survive this long being "sensitive and caring" (her description of herself regarding this issue) and I think she's very stuck in her ways and way of thinking about herself. She very very much wants people to see her a certain way. She lies about anything that would paint her in a bad light. She blows little compliments up and talks about them far more than the average person. For an example, the valet guy remembers her name, and to her this shows her status. We will sometimes have a 20 minute conversation about how he recognizes her. My point is, her image is of utmost importance to her. How could I possibly bring this up without an explosion?

Any advice would be much appreciated. Or perhaps I'm completely off base with the BPD as well. I just want to be able to say I'm unhappy with the weather without her taking that as some sort of insult on her.

Thanks.

I'm not sure about BPD here... it could be Histrionic PD too. I really do dislike labelling people that I don't actually know though. I'll just focus on what you've written about her.

Can you give me an example of a comment you might make that would upset her? Whatever happens, don't repeat the same routines/processes as before. For example, if an argument happens tonight, don't do what you'd normally do. If it's that you always resort to apologising in order to mend things, DON'T apologise, no matter what she throws at you. The routine has to change because it's tearing you both apart. You don't have to chase after her anymore. Try to get control in the relationship... let her do some chasing. I'm not saying that you should threaten to leave, but just behave as if you might leave if she doesn't change. For example, when she argues, just walk out of the room and get on with your own things. Just don't walk on well-trodden ground.


Kevin

It's kind of like the Mafia isn't it? You want to tell Tony Soprano he's fat and needs to go on a diet.....but he'll probably have you whacked!

If you want her to get help..........you're going to have to get whacked it would seem.

What i would suggest..........is don't write anything down. No emails about how you feel or letters........it's far easier to read hostility into those things.........

Practise putting on a big happy smiley face..........i guess you've got practise doing that having to kiss her ass all these years.
Put all that training to good use...............and sit her down and talk with her.

Can you do that? Like realistically are you capable of doing that?


She probably will go mental.............but that's who you've picked. You've got to just hold your ground........and if she wants "time off"..........then use that time, to move on, unless she agrees to start seeking help. With you.......couple's counselling for starters. STARTERS!

If the description of the person you've painted here is accurate...........then you really have to just let the bomb go off and still be standing when the dust clears.

Be as nice and as friendly and as reassuring and non-argumentative/hostile as you can............in the face or her wrath and anger............but don't back down.

You want her to do something, she clearly doesn't. But she has to, or you want out.
So you've got to just make her clearly see that it's door A) or door B).................hopefully, you can repair the damage that causes, by going through door A with her.

So really.......you have to drag her kicking and screaming into your reality. And understand, she'll be kicking and screaming. Your ears will hurt.......and she'll kick you!

So if you don't want to walk away.........you're going to have to smash through her and MAKE her do what you want.
Which seems like, it's not at all who you are. But it's who you are going to have to be. (so maybe, learn how to be more assertive first?)

Think of it like going to war.

Right now, you're doing recon. And i'm telling you and you already know..........the enemy is dug in deep and is going to resist.
So you've got to prepare to meet that resistance..............what works with her? What's her language?
Is this a war you can win? Are you willing to win it? Do you have to win it?



My mother is much the same way. The other day, she told me a story about leaving her lights on and her car battery dying. Anyways........it turns out, it was some dog's fault.
I'm serious........it was some random dog's fault somehow. I don't even remember how it was some dog's fault........but in her mind, it was.

Chucky wrote:I'm not sure about BPD here... it could be Histrionic PD too. I really do dislike labelling people that I don't actually know though. I'll just focus on what you've written about her.

Can you give me an example of a comment you might make that would upset her? Whatever happens, don't repeat the same routines/processes as before. For example, if an argument happens tonight, don't do what you'd normally do. If it's that you always resort to apologising in order to mend things, DON'T apologise, no matter what she throws at you. The routine has to change because it's tearing you both apart. You don't have to chase after her anymore. Try to get control in the relationship... let her do some chasing. I'm not saying that you should threaten to leave, but just behave as if you might leave if she doesn't change. For example, when she argues, just walk out of the room and get on with your own things. Just don't walk on well-trodden ground.


Kevin

Kevin, I understand not wanting to label people when you don't actually know. And while I realize that I've definitely suggested this is the issue, I'm just trying to figure it out myself.

I've tried many different tactics to have a different outcome. I can give you a couple recent examples of things that upset her. The other night we were watching Dog Whisperer and Cesar said that many dog lovers want to reward before they get the behavior they want and that the nurturing type also tend to do this. I said, "you're the nurturing type." It wasn't said in a negative tone and even if it were, we always critique our dog training skills. Anyway, apparently this was the wrong thing to say. She, for lack of a better descriptions, flipped out. Another example happened the other night. She was complaining about some people who work under her at the office and saying that they were a pain. I said "it's a good thing I don't work under you, I can be a pain." This wasn't even a comment about her, but rather about me. She immediately shut herself in the room. Now whether or not I can be more sensitive, I don't want to have to constantly walk on egg shells. These don't seem like comments that should evoke such a response.

As for apologizing, I don't. This is an issue of my own that I've come to realize, but I cannot apologize if I don't feel I should. So that is never a worry. And while I used to chase after her, I don't anymore. She won't chase after me either. If we didn't live together, we would probably break up every week because nobody chases anybody.

I've literally tried every different way to respond to her as I can think of. None of them result in any kind of change. Which is what brought me here thinking that she needs help that I cannot provide her. As I mentioned, I think the biggest problem is that she doesn't think she has a problem.

Twistedmister wrote:It's kind of like the Mafia isn't it? You want to tell Tony Soprano he's fat and needs to go on a diet.....but he'll probably have you whacked!

Yes, yes it is! haha.

Twistedmister wrote: Can you do that? Like realistically are you capable of doing that?

I don't know. I mean, yes I'm capable of doing it, but I have in the past, tried to talk to her about issues, and it never turns out great. I can more than imagine how sitting her down and actually suggesting she needs "help" would go over.

Twistedmister wrote: She probably will go mental.............but that's who you've picked. You've got to just hold your ground........and if she wants "time off"..........then use that time, to move on, unless she agrees to start seeking help. With you.......couple's counselling for starters. STARTERS!

I've got to say, and perhaps this should be my answer, but I think she'll just say "see ya." I think the idea of admitting she needs help is a greater loss to her than anything else in the world. I don't even take that personally, as I think it has been part of her makeup for 40+ years.

Twistedmister wrote: You want her to do something, she clearly doesn't. But she has to, or you want out.

I think because I've been so careful to address the issues that come up rather than pointing fingers at her about the fact that they shouldn't come up, that she will feel it came completely out of nowhere. We've never communicated well. She's extremely reactive and all discussions are led by emotion for her. ALL of them. I am extremely the opposite. Being logical, rational, and calm, seems to just upset her more. I'm typically an assertive person, but with her, I do avoid conflict more often than I would with anybody else.

Twistedmister wrote: My mother is much the same way. The other day, she told me a story about leaving her lights on and her car battery dying. Anyways........it turns out, it was some dog's fault.

Weird, my dog does stuff like that according to my mom too!


I hope I don't seem like I'm shooting down your comments. I'm not. I appreciate what you're saying. I think I'm in a bit of denial myself over how I think this is eventually going to turn out. Maybe this is the pessimist in me, but I just don't think me calling her out on this is going to result in a trip to see a therapist. I'm more than willing to go if it meant she would go! I think it could be useful having somebody who isn't involved to help us to communicate. Is it unfair of me to view our communications skills as something she needs to work on? I feel like she wants me to go off the handle like she does. In 4 years, she has gotten that emotional response out of me twice. It was a horrible feeling and I felt as though I wasn't myself. But both times, that was perhaps the only time during an argument that I saw her calm down DURING the argument. It is as if that is what she is trying to get out of me. I feel that I have very good communications skills with her. I am understanding that her emotions take over, and I recognize them. I don't just dismiss them. I don't know. Maybe I'm doing something that I'm not seeing. I would feel horrible for the therapist that would have to deal with her anger though. Even if I could get her to go, I'm not sure I'd be able to get her to stay. And I really don't think that she would ever go if she thought/knew it was her issue we were addressing. I'm sure I could trick her by saying I wanted to go for me, but that doesn't seem right.

"it's a good thing I don't work under you, I can be a pain."

I think it completely depends on the emphasis you place on which part of this statement. For example, she probably only heard the "I'm glad I don't work under you" part, and that is a put down. I would be upset if someone said that to me. She probably didn't even hear the last part of the statement.

But aside from that, I can sympathize. I am quite moody and have Borderline traits myself, and I have also had experience dealing with a potentially Borderline partner who often used these same types of behaviors i.e. storming out of the room when I confronted him about something that was bothering me, yelling at me about trivial events, withdrawing from me and refusing to be affectionate for days at a time if I did something he perceived as a slight, etc. etc. That relationship actually ended with him breaking up with me. It still hurts, but I can't say I'm not glad it's over.

I think the hard part for Nons to recognize is that, no matter how much you love someone with BPD, it's never enough. They will only change if they want to change, and your love really has nothing at all to do with it. So, you can either stay in this relationship and continue to try to cope with her behaviors or you can walk away. But she's only going to change when she's good and ready, not because you give her an ultimatum to do so.

Who knows if she has BPD.

I think you may be looking for either someone to tell you to leave her or tell you how she can go about changing.

If she doesn't believe that she has a personality disorder or that something is wrong, and not willing to see a therapist or psychiatrist there's nothing you can do to change her. In a nutshell you have one of two options.....

1. Either put up with it, accept it, and learn to deal with it.

or

2. Leave her.