I Feel Crazy.

I have been diagnosed with:
Post Traumatic Stress Disorder.
Obsessive Compulsive Disorder.
Borderline Personality Disorder.

The one that has controlled my life the most, and is making my everyday life rather difficult is being borderline.
Im sorry this is like a book, but I really hope you take the time to read it, I really want to talk to someone who also has Borderline, and I also want to talk to someone about some of the things not listed below, if possible.

Some of the things I deal with on a daily basis:

Frantic efforts to avoid real or imagined abandonment - im always wondering when my boyfriend is going to leave me. when is that day going to come when he decides hes finally had enough? And because its always on my mind, I translate everything he does to mean he doesnt want me anymore. If hes talking on the phone and he walks out of hearing distance, I wonder if hes talking to [or about] another woman. Or if he takes his phone with him when taking a shower or leaving the room I wonder if hes been texting woman or talking about me, and doesnt want me to see. If hes late coming home from work, I wonder if hes cheating on me. If he wants to go to somewhere by himself, or doesnt like to kiss me, or hug me, or hold my hand, or be too close to me in public, I think he doesnt want to be seen with me. No matter how amazing our relationship is, and how much I know he loves me, these thoughts are always still there.

Pattern of unstable and intense interpersonal relationships characterized by alternating between extremes of idealization and devaluation - this is generally called splitting. Splitting means I literally split everything into two categories. Good or Bad. Theres no gray area, no in - between. If you do all the right things, ill be your best friend and ill do anything for you. If you do something I consider wrong, youre dead to me. Its that simple. But, dont worry. Sometimes ill change my mind and think youre a good person again, then again sometimes I wont. This makes friendships and relationships very hard.

Identity disturbance: markedly and persistently unstable self - image or sense of self - I really dont know who I am. Having all these mood episodes, bouncing from happy to angry to sad to depressed, going from feeling like I can do anything to feeling like im worthless. I mean, I really am like two different people. Over here is one side of me. Im happy and feel good about myself. I can look in the mirror and like what I see. When I finish a task, I feel like I did a great job and im proud of myself. But wait. Over there is the other me. Im not happy at all. I feel worthless and wonder why Im even here. When I look in the mirror, I wonder if my boyfriend can see how ugly I am. I dont converse with people because they dont want to talk to me. You see? Two different people. Its no wonder I have no sense of self. I live life everyday knowing that who I am today might not be who I am tomorrow. My self image isnt very good either. I think im a bad person. I think theres just something wrong with me.

Impulsivity in at least two areas that are potentially self-damaging [ examples: spending, sex, substance abuse, reckless driving, binge eating] - ive actually cycled through some of these. Its really not so bad to do these things every once in a while. Its actually normal. But a Borderline cant just do it every once in a while. I eat every comfort food I can find, and I end up with the risk of an eating disorder. I have sex every time without a condom, and I take on the risk of getting pregnant. I have a lead foot, always drive fast taking on the risk of a speeding ticket, loss of my license, or worse.

Recurrent suicidal behavior or self mutilating behavior - I have thought about killing myself before, drawing out a plan, and wishing I had the strength to follow through. Ive taken a few more pills than what was recommended because I wanted to see what would happen. Not having enough guts to go through with it. Self mutilation is something I have a lot of experience with. I get so upset with people when they dismiss a cutter as someone whos just seeking attention. When I cut, the last thing I want is attention. I cut because it makes me feel good. I dont know how to explain it. And even though im a shallow cutter on my arms, im left with scars running up and down them. Its my thighs that get the deeper of the cuts, being easier to hide.

Chronic feelings of emptiness - sometimes I just feel empty inside. Like nothing. Im basically just existing. I dont really feel anything. I dont really care about anything. I dont really want to do anything. I sit on the couch all day everyday not doing anything. Most of the time, the empty feeling just lasts a couple hours, but sometimes I just dont know.

Inappropriate, intense anger or difficulty controlling anger - the smallest thing could set me off. I can feel all this anger, all this HATE building up. By this point im clenching my fists, trying to regain control. But I can't, so I usually lose control. If I lose control, I just want to grab whatevers near me and I throw it. I usually scream at my boyfriend uncontrollably. Ive actually [physically] put my hands on him before. I just wanted it all to stop so I put my hands on his face,and I squeezed. When I finally calm down, I feel absolutely worthless, and upset. I feel like I destroyed everything good in my life.

I found all of these explanations on someones blog, so I didnt them all fully, but I cut things out that didnt relate to me, and added things, and switched words to make this explaination explain perfectly my life, and what I have to deal with everyday.

First of all welcome to the forum

I'm not sure how to comment to most of what you wrote because it basically lists stuff most of us are all-too-familiar-with (I'm still sorry you have to deal with it as well though). What you wrote about your bf brings back memories I actually forgot about from the last time I dared to have a semi-real relationship. I had painted the whole era "white" in my mind and forgot about the constant underlying terror that he was gonna leave me sooner or later. I think it might have been that that scared him away eventually so… try to calm yourself down as much as you can when it comes to your bf even though I know it's a lot easier said than done.

I didn't know people felt the same as me. I'm okay with controlling my anger I just let it eat at me instead of lashing out, my self mutilation is much worse though, they usually want to stitch me up but I make them so infected that it'd just cause more risk. I'm scared at how I seem to have separate identities inside, I'm bright and bubbly and happy and funny but then I'm also depressed and scared and angry. Its not just a load of emotions in one person, they're totally separate. I've only just been diagnosed with an "identity disorder" so I don't know how to manage all this either.

Would love to hear more........especially more in your own words.

As others have said, most of these problems are very, very familiar to me. I also agree with the thought about hearing your own words on the matter. I am also familiar with the difficulty of having comorbid conditions (I am both a BPD and Aspie). I recognize the ease with which you dismiss your value...

I feel worthless and wonder why Im even here. When I look in the mirror, I wonder if my boyfriend can see how ugly I am. I dont converse with people because they dont want to talk to me. You see? Two different people. Its no wonder I have no sense of self. I live life everyday knowing that who I am today might not be who I am tomorrow. My self image isnt very good either. I think im a bad person. I think theres just something wrong with me.

I, unfortunately, am going to be of little help to you as I decided to take the "hide and isolate" approach, therebye avoiding to inevitable rages (or extreme loss of control) that often plagues me. As a result I have become far too comfortable alone and at this point i really don't see that changing. I hope you can open yourself up this forum and receive the helpfull suggestions and perspective I have seen offered by so many on this forum.

I would also love to hear more...I can relate to a lot of what you guys are saying. I am not diagnosed BPD but these are traits that I have and deal with on a daily basis for a long time now. I am working now in therapy to help me get through my issues, as my SO broke up with me because of horrible things i've done in the past. She's stil here with me helping me through it and being there which i appreciate a lot. Just saying that I can relate to all of this, which kind of scares me but makes me feel better on the other hand.