quitting therapy/leaving psychiatrist

hey
so i stopped seeing my therapist the other week(officially discharged, i'd cancelled a few before then)
and i've decided that i'm going to leave my psychiatrist on thursday.(our next session)
i just want out, i don't want to do this anymore. it started off with hope and him making me laugh. now it's just me obsessing over how he/the therapist/the world must hate me/think i'm stupid etc. etc. all i feel is obsessive embarrassment and shame.
the sessions have become harder and so i've been feeling these things more.
blah, anyway. it's more this thing that i know i can't get better. and convincing me i will just makes me lose my respect for him. and i get offended when he says stuff like 'you have the capacity for therapy, many don't' etc. and all these things that make me feel stupid. i know that's supposed to be like, you have a really great chance at getting better, and i should be happy. but it just makes me ..split him, i guess.
i don't know what i'm even saying any more. i'm saying i want to end it. but with that rationale(shame) i should be cutting off contact with everyone, which i pretty much have anyway. so, i'm just going to wallow in self-pity and crawl into a hole and, i don't even know.
UGH why can't i just sum things up in one sentence?
the worst part, which elicits so much self-loathing it's actually unreal, is that i'll isolate myself completely for the whole feeling stupid/embarrassed for EVERYTHING thing, and tell myself that maybe it will be okay, that i can do it alone and get the career i want, etc. etc. but deep down, and this is so embarrassing, but deep down i'm really thinking about stupid rescue fantasies. my internal dialogue is always with someone, it was my psychiatrist regularly for a while, my therapist, my sister, boys i liked, boys that don't exist - and i've only realized recently that the only purpose of this is to kid myself that i'm not alone. like, if i'm talking with people in my head all the time then i won't notice that i haven't had a real conversation in weeks.

i don't know what i'm expecting here. i guess i started the topic thinking 'tell me why i shouldn't' or 'have you done this?' 'has anything ever, ever worked out for you?' sorry if i'm being draining.

Is this the therapist you have feelings for? Or am i confusing you with someone else?

sorry if i'm being draining

What's the opposite of draining?

and i've only realized recently that the only purpose of this is to kid myself that i'm not alone

Is that the only purpose? Or is that black and white thinking?


Perhaps you need to bounce ideas off of someone, even if that someone is only in your head........to sustain any real validation in them.

You want/crave someone to relate to you........all the time. It's not solely......to kid yourself that you aren't alone........that's just the most negative way of looking at it. Because you're in a negative mood?


I do understand what you're saying though..........and it is frightening.

You are alone. Everyone is alone......... i think we can spend so much of ourselves, trying so hard to connect with people.....especially some form of people to rescue or rescue us.......to obfuscate the fact, that we really are alone.
The stronger deeper the connection.......the less of our self, is by its self. The more validated we feel. Like the voice in our head........we have a person, to make us feel more real.

This kind of thing doesn't really work though.
Especially "Us" people with BPD..........when do we ever really feel safe in a relationship?


Perhaps this relationship.......is worth not feeling safe in?