raging warrior to the self destroyer. acting in/ acting out

So BPDs act in or act out and some do both. I alternate between the two. When I loose the plot I can scare grown men I completely loose control the volcano just errupts. Ppl av told me I am very intimidating aggressive and I see them shaking. The raging warrior really scares me and I almost always regret it afterwards once I have calmed down. Yet at the time I seem to av no control whatsoever that friightens me. Sometimes I can't even recall what's happened I black out or summat. Or I reemember it different to others.I'm out of touch with reality and can rant and smash things throw things at ppl etc sometimes for hours.

Then at times I act in. I cut regularly, gamble, av risky sex just anything to harm myself. I even bang my head tring to knock myself out anything to stop the pain. Drink take drugs, overdose throw myself infront of traffic etc. I just want to harm myself I feel a need to punish myself cos I'm so bad. I cut myself of from everyone. I never know what I am capable of doing to myself.

Obviously I have a normal charming side too and am very good at putting on a mask so noone would guess that I av a problem.

Anyway I was wondering which is worse acting in or acting out and I think they r on a level pegging for me just depending on the circumstances. I wish I had more control and did neither but as things stand I can't seem to change.

I was wondering what category u fall into acting in acting out or both and which u find worse ?

For a long time I was what you might call a quiet borderline. This was probably due to my excessive shyness and severe dislike of confrontation. I engaged in self-injury quite a lot. As I got older I went through a phase where sex and alcohol were my coping mechanisms. Spending money has been an issue from time to time. Out of all inward destructive things I’ve done binge eating has remained the most consistent and hardest to shake off.

I still experienced those violent and angry rages, but being a dork and a weakling I had no choice but to channel them inward. Looking back I suppose you could say I would rage at my mom and my brothers (never dad), but we were always fighting. I doubt it would be recognized as anything other than teenage hormones.

My rages have resulted in broken furniture and household goods. A couple months ago I slammed the fridge door and everything spilled out onto the floor. I’m a little better about this as I always regret breaking something worthwhile. Whenever I get an urge to throw something I try to grab something like a pillow. The last thing I threw was a bottle of lotion into the bathtub. :-/

My rage also comes out in the forms of words. I don’t have money, power or strength. So I use empty threats, ugly insults and wild accusations. Being cowardly this usually happens via emails, texts or written mediums. So not only do I look crazy by doing this, but I leave evidence of this madness for later humility. Even though I’m not being physically violent with anyone in those moments I too feel a loss of control and reality. There are things I’ve said or written that I have no memory of doing. It’s rather nauseating to be confronted with “evidence” that you didn’t know existed because you honestly didn’t remember doing it.

Thought this wud av had more of a response????