Is there hope?

My BPD girlfriend started off like every other I've read about; kind, caring, cute, sexual, funny, attentive, etc. But no matter how much I read of the disorder or how many red flags I saw I still stood by her, hoping that her plans for the future were actually possible and that we could start a life together.

Just under 5 months into the relationship I told her I loved her. I'm not entirely sure if her behaviour changed the day before I did or on this exact day but believe me I have never seen or even read anything like this before.

Since that day (a week ago) her personality has flipped completely. I see that in me telling her I loved her caused her to get repulsed by that idea and has started to devalue me. Well that's my view on it. Not only that but we had been planning for about 2 weeks beforehand to move in together, ALL the things we'd need to buy, declared a defacto relationship, etc. But her personality has changed toward EVERYONE...

She will start arguments over the tiniest of things and take no blame and I mean absolutely no blame no matter how many people gang up on her to confirm each other's stories. Her twisted view of reality is the only thing she accepts.

Since a week ago she CONSTANTLY (and I mean like once every 5 minutes) will blame others of not 'understanding her', or her not understanding them. It seriously DID MY HEAD IN, like if I heard the word 'understand' one more time I was going to punch her in the face. I was the only one who stood by her for all these days and after one minute of me being the ONLY person who understood her, according to her I suddenly did not understand her like everyone else. Or someone else who didn't understand her suddenly did understand her. It seemed like suddenly her lifelong mission was to get every single person on earth to understand her, and I mean EVERYONE she came in contact with. Police officers, ambulance officers, doctors, shop owners, friends, her family, MY family, it didn't matter she just needed to be understood (like it would somehow bring her happiness) and no matter what the person said she would sooner or later realise that they didn't understand.... like it would somehow bring her happiness. Even the fvcking psychologist at the hospital I was talking to who was very calm, soothing, rational ended up being accused by BPD of not understanding when the BPD got up from her room and simply walked out of the hospital. Even the psychologist had a blank look on her face and was speechless.

She said some terrible things and was antagonising me for hours last night. Later on that night when she was crying and in a different mood she was telling me how she couldn't remember any of the last few hours of us arguing. I don't know if it is some sick fvck way to deny herself from blame or she truly had some emotional blackout or some sh1t.

I'm still clinging onto hope and it is probably dumb as fvck. My mother tried to talk some sense into me telling me her behaviour will happen again and again and she needs years of therapy to see changes. My parents are very smart and 'normal' so they decided that she is not allowed back in the house anymore. After last night's shenanigans which started here, my parents got involved and tried to calm the fight down, they spoke to her logically and calmed her down, they did ANYTHING a human could possibly do to a distressed person and she rejected it and later accused them of mindfvcking her and trying to manipulate her. They don't want me to see her again for my own good and their own.

The truth is I accepted she was BPD a while ago and I thought I saw her bad side already (angry emotional side) and I thought I'd seen it all and I would be able to handle an outburst every once in a while... but there is a whole other personality inside of her which is highly irrational, highly unstable, highly unpredictable, highly emotional and she is even seemingly schizophrenic - like someone is telling her what to do and think and she is accepting it as 100% truth. She will admit these faults at times but then go into complete denial if I bring it up again. It is too much for any sane person to handle. And her outbursts have turned from uncommon and relatively mild, to common and scared-for-her-life scary. The psycho inside her seems to be her MAIN personality now rather than something that popped up from time to time.

As I said in the last paragraph she showed signs of this side and it was a bit scary (but tolerable) and she would usually calm down if I reassured her or whatever. That is what I thought her BPD bad side was. I didn't like it but I was willing to put up with it (for years even) had it not gotten to this point of absolute insanity and the fact that it is toward EVERYONE (5th paragraph). I feel embarassed to be with her at times with the way she reacts to some people's genuine attempts to help her and listen to her. She does not see that and will say they either don't understand her, or are trying to manipulate her.

I don't know what to do honestly. I should probably run to the hills but I'm so scared. My parents really don't want me seeing her ever again but I feel it's so complicated. I want to give her one more chance and tell her about BPD, tell her about DBT and see if she improves. But then again I'm scared she will fake progress and lure me in again and repeat the cycle.

Here's my questions:

Are all BPDs like THIS crazy? I have suspicion that she has another issue like paranoid schizophrenia or something because of the sheer irrationality of her actions and words at times, like everyone is against her and out to get her.

Should I bother telling her she has BPD?

Has her sudden personality change been triggered by fears of abandonment, intimacy and commitment?

Any insight into why she is suddenly so hellbent on getting others to understand her (5th paragraph)?

Do BPDs suffer from blackouts where they can act terribly and not have any recollection?

How old are you???? Why are your parents on the phone with this girl as if you all think she is a child? Unless she is 13 or something. And it sounds like you THINK she is BPD but she has never been diagnosed, so you yourself decided she is BPD? That, my friend, is not ok. Every guy who has ever broken up with a girl (or been broken up with) will "diagnose" her with 5 or 6 major disorders, go figure. Honestly it sounds like maybe she wasn't ready to hear that you loved her, or doesn't believe anybody could. But BPD is a stretch. Again, how old is she and how old are you? And now your parents have forbidden her from their house?????? Well that is the best way you can assure an ended relationship, because now all you can do is tell parents or gf to go to hell, right? It sounds like maybe you are not quite mature enough to have a real gf. Mommy and Daddy can't be in charge of your girlfriends, see??????

No, no hope.

I love your main post, Asphyx, such an intelligent and interestingly written observation and summarized description of your girlfriends behavior and thoughts that so closely match my BPD friends behavior and thoughts.

IF I had to list perhaps the most prominent traits that seem to be in two people I know who have BPD they would be the exteme emotional volitility, so easily changeable and so extreme, overly perceived slights or trangressions towards the person, obsessive thoughts about the same even minor thing, and the as you say, Asphyx, the seeming to be another person lying inside the person waiting to pop out, simiilar to even a milder form of multiple personality. which perhaps is just another way of describing the ease and quicknes and extmeme shifting of emotion whicih they simpcy cant control.

I posted yesterday on my staring at tv snow or static putting her in the theta state being so repeatably effective in my friends case in restoring her stable and happy self like literally in several minutes and although your girlfriend may resist trying this, you might just see if you can get her to try it, maybe just flip the set on to it if you have a tv that gets it and just tell her it relaxes you. That it does even in a normal person , and it crushes anxiety like nothing else, better than valium etc my friend tells me and also aborts her even bad headaches in just a few minutes. Just a thought because you seem to want to find a way to stay with your friend and altrusitically speaking, these people who have BPD experience such suffering.

Steve Lord




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Are all BPDs like THIS crazy? I have suspicion that she has another issue like paranoid schizophrenia or something because of the sheer irrationality of her actions and words at times, like everyone is against her and out to get her.

Nothing sounded like paranoid schizophrenia to me. BPD can be quite irrational at times and paranoia is a criteria point.

Should I bother telling her she has BPD?

How do you know she has BPD?

Has her sudden personality change been triggered by fears of abandonment, intimacy and commitment?

Borderlines do indeed have a fear of intimacy as well as abandonment. We have a habit of "splitting" and painting someone black as a defense mechanism. Quite a childlike reaction.

Any insight into why she is suddenly so hellbent on getting others to understand her (5th paragraph)?

Because she feels alone and misunderstood? It can cause someone great torment. Borderlines are usually very hard to understand.

Do BPDs suffer from blackouts where they can act terribly and not have any recollection?

I've never heard of this.


I think there is a chance that she could have BPD but there are a lot of other personality characteristics that make someone Borderline. Just because she is emotional and gets angry and such, doesn't mean she has a personality disorder. I really don't like people trying to diagnose others.

homersxchild wrote:Nothing sounded like paranoid schizophrenia to me. BPD can be quite irrational at times and paranoia is a criteria point.

Yeah sorry I meant to say her personality changed temporarily into that of a paranoid schizophrenic.

How do you know she has BPD?

- uses 'splitting'
- abandonment issues
- clingy
- manipulative, especially how she plays on the natural male instinct to protect their woman
- pathological liar
- depressed
- anxious
- mood swings
- sex as a tool used to control
- drug addiction
- impulsive drug taking
- lives in dramatic and chaotic household
- plays the victim role, especially when talking about her past relationships
- childhood abuse/trauma

There's more but I can't think of them at the moment. She might be co-morbid with some other things but BPD is clearly her most suited diagnosis.

I think there is a chance that she could have BPD but there are a lot of other personality characteristics that make someone Borderline. Just because she is emotional and gets angry and such, doesn't mean she has a personality disorder. I really don't like people trying to diagnose others.

...

If I had actually BELIEVED IN MYSELF and my DIAGNOSIS OF HER then I WOULD NEVER HAVE GOTTEN THIS CLOSE TO HER AND TOLD HER I LOVED HER BECAUSE I KNEW WITH THAT DIAGNOSIS THAT IT WOULD BACKFIRE TERRIBLY.

Sorry about the caps, just using it for emphasis lol.

Now I know I'm not going to commit my love and myself to this person because I know what the future will hold if I start loving her again - she will freak out and feel trapped.

Anyway as an update she is in a psych ward at the moment and they've put her on lots of medication so she has calmed down dramatically... for now.

The psychologists there actually diagnosed her with Tourette's Syndrome and Autism, I can't believe it. Are the psychologists there more psychotic than their patients? I've been with this girl for 5 months and spent ALOT of that time together and haven't seen her tic AT ALL. And autism, what the fvck? This girl has no problems with social interaction when she wants to, very chameleon-like and manipulative, typical cluster B.

Asphyx posts "The psychologists there actually diagnosed her with Tourette's Syndrome and Autism, I can't believe it. Are the psychologists there more psychotic than their patients? I've been with this girl for 5 months and spent ALOT of that time together and haven't seen her tic AT ALL. And autism, what the fvck? This girl has no problems with social interaction when she wants to, very chameleon-like and manipulative, typical cluster B"

Asphyx, what you say here was exactly what I was thinking when I read Homer saying he didnt like it for people to diagnose others, that the therapist spends a half hour with a person who may not even be exhibiting BPD at thosse moments, especially to a an authority figure psychiatrist and especially in a mental institution which she wants to be relleased from, whereas her friends have observed her behavior over a thousand hours and if they have read up on or experienced a BPD person, can easily I feel, recognize the tell tale signs. It doesnt take a rocket scientist to recognize BPD, its like a neon sign flashing, BPD in the two people with BPD I have observed, once you spend enough time with them and see them under many circumstances especially when you are alone with them in their private moments when they feel its ok to express theire BPD side, rather than having their game face on in public, or around strangers, the telltale irrational thinking and misperceptions so repetitively and all the rest of the signs.
Plus many of the therapists I have met cant diagnose their way out of a paper bag. If you dont have a knack for it, no amount of experience seems to make them any good at it.

Steve Lord

^ I understand it is probably a lot easier for someone who knows the BPD personally to diagnose them but still I have no idea how they came up with autism and tourette's (unless she was faking it). Quite absurd.

- uses 'splitting'
- abandonment issues
- clingy
- manipulative, especially how she plays on the natural male instinct to protect their woman
- pathological liar
- depressed
- anxious
- mood swings
- sex as a tool used to control
- drug addiction
- impulsive drug taking
- lives in dramatic and chaotic household
- plays the victim role, especially when talking about her past relationships
- childhood abuse/trauma

What's funny is about half of those could describe just about any woman anywhere.

Is there perhaps another outlet where you can complain about your crazy ex-girlfriends? Bpdfamily.com is more geared towards family members and spouses of BPD'ers. It might be more conducive to the topic of crazy BPD'er exes and just how awful and crazy they are.

agirlbyanyothername wrote:What's funny is about half of those could describe just about any woman anywhere.

I think this response is usually called "globalization" or "normalization."

That said, is there a rule or consensus about where threads like this should go? They crop up in all the cluster B forums. I've seen frequent requests from moderators and other individuals for them to be moved, but where to?

rustybrain wrote:

agirlbyanyothername wrote:What's funny is about half of those could describe just about any woman anywhere.

I think this response is usually called "globalization" or "normalization."

That said, is there a rule or consensus about where threads like this should go? They crop up in all the cluster B forums. I've seen frequent requests from moderators and other individuals for them to be moved, but where to?

I once had a friend who said that being Borderline just meant that you were a girl. It's more facetious than anything else, but I can see the kernel of truth in there as well. I believe there is a NON-thread specifically for this kind of conversation. It does seem demoralizing to go into a support forum for a particular group only to complain about how that group of people are crazy and difficult. That's why I suggested bpdfamily forum as that seems to be more up their alley.