I Find Non BPD Significant Others Somewhat Weird

There have been posts, I'm sure, like the one I'm about to write, but oh well! Hopefully, you'll read it anyways.

With all the "Do you think my bf, ex-bf, husband, friend has BPD", "Do you think my gf, ex-gf, wife, friend has BPD".. I'm beginning to sometimes feel like I'm some sort of online Psychiatrist, and one that doesn't charge any money.. Wouldn't be great if we could set a our own fee, and have a paypal box under our s/n, and people would have to pay us for our opinion as to where their SO has BPD, some other mental illness, or is just plain F**d up?

I don't think BPD is that common. In the past when I've told someone that I have BPD I'm usually asked "What's that?" or "Is that Bi Polar Disorder".

It makes me think that these SO's spend their free time on google typing in symptoms, researching articles trying to get a diagnosis on the one they love or use to love. I suppose the other possibilty is the person doing the research has a mental illness themselves. What I find somewhat amusing is the picture in my head of a Non actually spending time on the computer frantically trying to figure out what's wrong with their SO, or finding this forum, and actually spending the time writing what seems to be these posts that go on and on for 6, 7, 8 paragraphs. Then the question... "Does this sound BPD to you?" Speaking of which, I have no idea how others with BPD are able to actually read through it all. I find that amazing.

I'm thinking, "Does it matter?" and "Why?" If their going to leave their SO, because it matters - then leave. If it doesn't matter then what's the objective of asking?

I think Nons would save themselves a lot of time by deciding for themselves if their happy in the relationship. If they can live with their SO other the way they are, and if they can't end the relationship and move on, rather than asking questions we can't answer, and even if we could does it matter? Because, it all comes back to the questions are they happy in the relationship, and can they accept their SO for who they are, and that's all that really matters.

Having said all this I have NO problems with NON's, who have chosen to standby their officially diagnosed SO, asking questions so they can better understand, cope, and learn. That is a VERY good thing, imo.

Enoughof my rant!

I'm someone with a BPD ex and I absolutely agree with this. However, many people who get involved in bad relationships, including with disordered individuals (of all types), are not good at thinking in terms of what they themselves want, which is why the posts end up focused on the ex and not on the needs, wishes, and concerns of the non (who is probably disordered him or herself: anxiety, depression, avoidance, compensatory narcissism, etc.). There's also an understandable urge to get some handle on what could be going on inside your SO's head when they start doing things that seem senseless at first blush.

Thanks Rustybrain, for posting. I kind of wrote this a little tongue in cheek with some reality mixed in. Regardless, I like to read what other people think..

rustybrain wrote:I'm someone with a BPD ex and I absolutely agree with this. However, many people who get involved in bad relationships, including with disordered individuals (of all types), are not good at thinking in terms of what they themselves want, which is why the posts end up focused on the ex and not on the needs, wishes, and concerns of the non (who is probably disordered him or herself: anxiety, depression, avoidance, compensatory narcissism, etc.).

100% agree with this... It also seems the posts, I actually manage to make through, the Non seems to recognize before a relationship really exists that the person has issues, and the non has this "I can fix them" attitude.

cboxpalace wrote:Thanks Rustybrain, for posting. I kind of wrote this a little tongue in cheek with some reality mixed in. Regardless, I like to read what other people think..

rustybrain wrote:I'm someone with a BPD ex and I absolutely agree with this. However, many people who get involved in bad relationships, including with disordered individuals (of all types), are not good at thinking in terms of what they themselves want, which is why the posts end up focused on the ex and not on the needs, wishes, and concerns of the non (who is probably disordered him or herself: anxiety, depression, avoidance, compensatory narcissism, etc.).

100% agree with this... It also seems the posts, I actually manage to make through, the Non seems to recognize before a relationship really exists that the person has issues, and the non has this "I can fix them" attitude.

Yes, I went into both of my cluster B relationships with a messiah complex, with mutual friends advising me not to get involved, with my own instincts trying to hold me back. Generally I think nons in this sort of relationship are insecure, shy, passive, lacking in particularly close relationships with friends and family, lacking in romantic or sexual experience, etc. We end up with the broken SO for many reasons, but the main ones are often (1) the sense that by saving, fixing, giving to, and being needed by another, we can ourselves become intrinsically valuable; (2) the intense feeling of connection the cluster B is capable of providing - someone finally seems to understand and love that shy little vulnerable person we've been hiding within the brave, functional shell we present to the world; and (3) the propensity to fall into the absurdly intimate and time-consuming initial stages of this kind of crazy relationship due to a lack of other social ties and a dissatisfaction with the rest of life generally.

Amen. The biggest thing I agree with is that BPD, NON, who ever, The ultimate question is are you happy, and do you want to be with this person for who they are. All that they are. If the answer is no, then leave. They Biggest question is why. I understand if you plan on trying to work together to come up with ways and terms that work. But here is what I don't get. This is across the board if all that is going to be done is complaining and just expecting the other person to change, Why beat your head against that wall?

Example: I cannot count how many times I have had nearly this exact conversation

ME: I think we need to break up. It has become apparent that I am hurting you and i am making you miserable, and this has to stop.
(this being evidenced by two months of every conversation centering around how much I am hurting him and how all he wanted was for me to do or be like x, y, and z which I had never been like that and never could be)

HIM: No, I'm not. You make me happy!

ME: Real? How?

HIM: You just do!

This would be funny if say it was part of a Shakespearean comedy.

before saying this, nons who come here to find out about a PD to help a partner who has let them know their diagnosis, you're wonderful supportive people - just don't forget to look after yourselves too.

for those who come to obsess, or to bully/put down disordered people, i really dont get it - they should take a long, hard look at their own behaviour.

I've had a couple of threads on here about me by a "frienemy", collected friends with PDs, enabled them for amusement and to attempt to control them. didn't understand boundaries, - not those set by others anyway - even physical ones. believed they are psychologically healthy and i thought i was ###$ up

still, i'm not going to wipe their actions off onto other "nons". this FRIENEMY can have ALL the blame for their own...

I suppose those who come here projecting everything onto the BPD and obsessing about them clearly have problems themselves. if they end up sticking around and eventually talking about themselves, maybe they're in the right place. denial can be a stage in healing from problems that comes before accepting them, but its not very nice for the people here who are trying to recover, or who at least recognise they have a problem to have everything wiped off on them. it hardly creates the kind of environment where people feel safe to talk openly. but at the same time, if it brings change for the people who feel the need to shift all their problems elsewhere, those people have a right to heal too. i think discussion should be encouraged, and mixing PDs and nons is important so both can see how the other side experiences things, but a situation where disordered people and "nons" are attacking each other and end up vilifying eachother is definitely not condusive to healing for either side.

oh I agree completely. When I was first looking for help I accidentally ended up on a couple of non pages and "brush off" is understating it. Actually, I really do need to point of view. But katana makes a very valid point.

Here's the thing. All people have issues. All people (due to their ideas of what a relationship is, of what love means to them, and what actually balances them) have different needs from a relationship and the person they are with. However, all too often it becomes about the relationship instead of the individual they are with. I run across more often than not, BPD, NON, or otherwise, it is the "anyone is better than no one." or even being in love with being in love. "Well in the beginning......", I am not sure if there is an one who has been in a relationship that is the same a year later than it was in the beginning

For those who stick in there and fight the long battle with their BPD, I pray for your courage and strength. For those who had to call it quits, I pray for your healing. Either way every person in every relationship has to decide if this person fits for me. And Can I love this person for who they are, and not resent them for not being what I want them to be.

If the diagnosis of BPD is what makes or breaks a relationship.........yea, it's just weird.

I sometimes get irritated with the “is this a BPD thing? Do BPD’s do this? Should BPD’s do that? Do all BPD’s share this characteristic?” It’s not just the one size fits all thinking; it’s the constant search for behaviors that they can chalk up to the DX. I once came across a thread where someone asked if a love of horror movies was a BPD trait. Seriously? You can’t enjoy a certain genre of movie without it being scrutinized? My guess is that because horror movies are violent that somehow this was his girlfriend’s way of self-harm or something. Thankfully other Non’s set him straight as they too were horror fans.

I agree that it’s nice to come here and try to learn more about your loved one’s diagnosis, but sometimes it feels like they expect you to be mind readers. No one here knows what’s best for your spouse or loved one. It’s just that some of the questions they ask should be directed to the person they’re asking about rather than to the forum.