Restricted Phone Calls

Hi guys,

If you remember 6 months ago, I was very active on this forum after I broke up w my ex-gf that was a BPD. It was an intense 2yr relationship that ended just before I graduated college. I gave up a lot for her, and cared about her a lot, so needless to say I was incredibly hurt and frustrated. I often came on here to spill out my thoughts because you are the only people that can relate.

Shortly after, I was done with grieving and moved on w my life very well. I received tremendous support from friends, moved on in terms of other girls, and revived my career and got a great job. Most people that criticized me for staying w her, admired my strength. I was truly amazed that I bounced back so well; and I rarely even thought about her. I read stories on here on how some people handle these break ups, and was proud of myself for my resilience, because I know it's tough.

Nevertheless, I recently received some restricted phone calls mysteriously that I feel may be her. She has resorted to this tactic before during our 'mini-breaks', so I have my suspicions. She blocked my email, facebook, phone, etc...and I never bothered just because I felt she would leave me alone. I know how BPDs think, especially her, it's 'out of sight, out of mind.' I'm sure I missed her way more than she missed me, it's just how it goes.

While I moved on so admirably, and in such a healthy way, these calls really got to my head. They have happened a few times, over 6 months, but recently I received a call at 2:34AM, with no vmail. Ever since, I have been dwelling on it. I would discuss this with my friends, but I know all I will hear from them if how I'm not over her. I never mention her these days, so I thought it would be best to share it in an anonymous forum. Clearly, I'm not fully past her, and I'm okay with admitting that. Still, I don't really think about her anymore or even have any feelings toward her, so I have no idea why these calls are getting to me.

We all have our reasons (or flaws) for staying w BPDs. I've accepted that I was weak, codependent, delusional, and all of that. I really stayed w her though, because I truly did love and care for this girl. I can honestly say that I was happy w her almost all of the time, and admit that she gave me the best times I ever had. I can also say that I have not had any desire to have her back since we last left off, or to even contact her and hear how she is. I think it's normal that something reminded me of her, and I missed her, but I'd just be curious as to what everybody's thoughts are.

Thanks guys.

Playing Devil's advocate here, maybe it is her, maybe it is one of your friends being an SOB and testing the claim you have moved on.. I think bottom line is because of the lack of closure we look for certain things or ways they might react because we are still baffled by what happened.. You wonder how that person could cut you out of your life in such a manner and not make any attempt at contact because at one point you were the sun, moon, and starts.. I have seen people say once you are painted black, that's all folks.. Others have said that when you are seen in a good light again, or they are lacking from something that they need you to fulfill, they may intitiate contact or feelers.. Bottom line, you have moved on and you don't need anything to bring you back there unless that unhapiness you spoke of is something you want.. People with BPD didn't ask for this, in my case she is an incredibly bright, artisitic, kind individual that can turn you from prince to evil monster in a fraction of a second... I could not turn back the clock and right the wrongs she shared, and alot of the thoughts that seemed warped to others made perfect sense to her.. You wanted to just hug them and make everything okay but it was so difficult because the rage out of no where was baffling... But I honestly think once they are done with you they are done.. Somehow, someway I betrayed her and she would not share with me how, and I don't have the foggiest how... I still think she spared me the pain because maybe she did care.. We share a daughter, and all discussions are via text or thru her mom who she moved back with. Placing a child in the same bad enviroment she told me about.. That I don't get... Stick with what your doing and keep it up. If she is calling don't get hoovered because the whole cycle will just start up again.. Mine could not regulate her feelings, it was as if she was in constant turmoil second guessing everyhitng, and floating form friend to friend until they did something where she felt let down..And they were gone, usually for 5 years

ConfusedDad,

I probably couldn't have said it better myself-- 'baffled.' I guess it just always frustrated me that she could turn the switch on/off, and I never could. Maybe it's just a pride thing, I mean I was duped, and it was always hard to admit. My feelings for her were real, and hers were never real for me. It takes me a while to get over her, gradually, while she can do it in instant. All seeming so contradictory when I was the 'sun and the moon' to her. You're with somebody every second of the day for 2 years, and plan you're life together...then it's gone in an instant and you have NO idea what happened...lol I have to laugh about it I guess.

One thing about BPDs in general, the whole "painted black' theory, is not all true. Once you're out, you are out, but only because they refuse to accept their own mistakes and face their own issues.

I remember that she had another really serious bf, like me, and never did move past him. It always bothered me though that she said she never got the urge to contact him after they had been that serious together. She did express an interest in contacting him in the distant future, to sort things out with him. Then again, I was closer to her, and did treat her really well, so who knows. Maybe she slipped up and had an episode, she usually has her diary for that.

Good call about the friends btw lol...I've suspected them but I'm not sure they would have thought of that, the mysterious calls were sort of always between us.

I admit, a few months ago, I would have definitely dignified her attempt, but now I'm deciding to talk about it on here.

Any more thoughts/inputs would be appreciated.

Thanks guys.

Sometimes I think the contacting in the future thing is in case they need something. In my case it's all about her. I came to find out a majority of the guys she was involved with were married coworkers, one of which she contracted an STD from (I really dodged a bullet). I removed her from my Facebook and she got very annoyed with me. Basically I just didn't want her peering into my life, as I said everything with our child is handeled via text, and I get texts asking when the child is with me is she eating and using the bathroom okay. She doesn't eat well and is constipated with her, according to the text. I just fear my child will pick up on her moms tendencies. She is an outgoing, energetic, kid and I would hate to see that spoiled but so far, so good.. She also said she worries about the babies iron and protien, she eats just fine with me, I have her out alot at the playground or swimming. The kid sits home like her mom does is she going to be hungry.. 2 year olds eat what they burn.. It's like she has a mild form of Munchausen, she is obsessed with the kids health.

Again, feeling to contact ex boyfriend to me was to make them feel validated in some way, but it would probably never happen.

Yeah I doubt she would ever contact him. I have NO idea what she would want from me though, especially from random restricted calls and not leaving a message. To them it truly is 'out of sight, out of mind'...I mean, I literally have probably stopped existing in her mind...which all makes this very bizarre, I'm too curious...

As for you, I'd advise you to keep your kid away from her, before she corrupts it. Sorry if that sounds harsh, but sounds like you're doing a good job.

mc693 wrote:Yeah I doubt she would ever contact him. I have NO idea what she would want from me though, especially from random restricted calls and not leaving a message. To them it truly is 'out of sight, out of mind'...I mean, I literally have probably stopped existing in her mind...which all makes this very bizarre, I'm too curious...

As for you, I'd advise you to keep your kid away from her, before she corrupts it. Sorry if that sounds harsh, but sounds like you're doing a good job.

Oddly enough, I recieved a blocked call only 30 minutes before you posted this, and I figured it came from my recently XHPDGF (similar to BPD...this year will be categorized under BPD). I've had the same phone number for 8 years now and I have never recieved a blocked call. I'm still in touch with my previous ex-gf and ex-wife...I'm 37...none of my friends or exes I'm in contact with would do this. My XHPDGF is 25...and this was two weeks after I dumped her for playing the "silent treatment" on me after I acted indifferent to one of her other punishment treatments.

Basically I broke up with her because of her manipultive games. I haven't recieved a call since....I'm almost 100% sure that was her. You probably did get the call.