How can I get my wife back?

I am married to a BPD and we have had a wonderful time. I knew she had BPD at the time we met, read some things about it, but to me that was labelling her and I wanted to know her. However, several things have happened to us over the last two and a half years.

My wife was rushed to surgery after a 42 week pregnancy with the end result being our son was stillborn. We had a midwife who didn't take much interest in my wife from the 37 week mark. My wife complained that she was having discharged and was told that this was common by the midwife and not to worry about it. One the three preceding days to the surgery, we spent several hours each day at the hospital and the midwife hardly talked to us. In fact she was more interested in staying in another room talking to a trainee. At one point, she said that she would prick the membranes, but then decided not to proceed because she couldn't pinch the membrane enough to be able to prick it.
On the day of his death, my wife came to my work in distress. I said I want to take you to the hospital, but my wife said please go to the midwife. She asked me to ask her to come out and see her. However, the midwife was more interested in her current client who would have been 26 weeks. I had to co-erse her into coming outside to see my wife. She said to her that she would meet us at the hospital at 1pm. At 12.30pm the heartbeat of our son dropped dramatically and died before the hospital staff could get him out.
The autopsy showed that our son died of asphyxiation as a result of there being now fluid left around him in the womb.
We complained to the local board about the midwife and the end result was that the midwife had done not broken any standards as there were none for post date.
However, they found that she had not taken the appropriate notes during the pregnancy and told her to have some training regarding notetaking.

We thought we had grieved but not properly and after six months things started getting hard for both of us. Financially we were struggling and we were ripped off by our neighbour to $7500, a friend of my wife for $2500 and a client for $5000. We took in a boarder who left a month later telling us lies about where she was going, but we found out that she told lies about us that prevented us from selling our stock. We had problems with a local freight company, from which one of the drivers added to the lies told about us. We were nearly evicted from our property when the co-owner decided that he wanted out when his girlfriend left him. We have a serious financial problem as a result.

In June, my wife had a positive test for another baby. A month later, she went to the scan expecting the gestational sac to be 8 to 12 weeks and was told that it was 5 weeks 6 days. She had HCG tests to confirm it, but she knew it was lost. She had a D & C. I was told by the hospital staff the next week that we could not take the remains as there was only enough left for them to use in their tests and that the tests showed that she had lost the baby some time before the D&C, known as a missed miscarriage. Actually we worked out that the miscarriage happened in May as she had a period with a larger discharge than normal. So the whole time we thought she was pregnant, she wasn't, but the HCG levels were high enough to make her body think that she was.

This was to much for my wife and she poured BBQ cleaning agent over herself. She ended up being placed in the hospital for nearly two months. Once my wife was discharged, she left me. I did not take the separation well. Her verbal attacks on the phone were hard and I often hung up on her. But she would ring back and kept in contact with me regularly (almost daily).

I have been left with her daughter to look after. She is not mine, but we met before her birth and she only knows me as dad. Over the last four weeks, I have been much calmer as I have been getting the counselling that I need, and also my wife pointed out that I needed it. Althoug, I did spend one night at the hospital a couple of weeks ago. My wife found out and came down causing a scene.

Now she has met another guy and is fully involved with him. It has been two months since leaving the hospital and she is still not well, but I miss her so much and want her back. I never left her and we have had some meetings where I can tell that she is still a long way from being well. For one moment, she was mine again, but then the moment went again.

Heya dude,

Very sorry to hear that all of this has happened to you. You have given time-scales in your post but, in general, everything seems to have passed rapidly. Such 'rapidness' would hardly give anyone time to fully digest the situations that had passed in your lives. You have come to post this on the BPD forum, but is it really a case of BPD? You know your partner better than I do, but something just tells me that all of this could easily have been resolved if she had - for example - received counselling sessions after each bad event that happened. In the end, it was apparently far too much for her to take and - I'd argue - she felt that she needed to get away from you because you were a link to her pat life where all of those bad events had occurred.

Labelling her with BPD is not the main crux of the matter here though. You want her back and you want to know how. It might not happen - I have to say - because she might be too deeply-immersed in her pain that she might never wish to be back. The only thing that I believe you can do is to take things slowly and let some time to pass. If you want to correct things too quickly, then yo'll make matters worse. Time will simply have to pass so that all involved can digest what has happened over the past year and more.

Kevin