persuade a possible bpd to see a doctor

My ex girlfriend who is also my sons mother and lives with me is a possible bpd sufferer. The problem is she has never been formally diagnosed with this and refuses to see a doctor or therapist, saying that her cure is love. Quick background:

I was in a relationship with her for about a 1.5 years when she became pregnant. After the first few months of the relationship i did notice her behaviour to often be a bit strange but honestly didnt take too much notice of this. For complex reasons she ended up moving in with me and a after a few months I started to feel like our relationship wasnt going to work with numerous fights and fundamental disagreements however she kept saying she loved me and wanted to make it work and eventually became pregnant.Prior to the pregnancy I had wanted to end the relationship but at that time she had no where to live and I couldnt bring myself to just kicking her out."

After she had the baby she kept harrassing me but i couldnt leave at this point because of the baby and also I felt guilty, plus I was aware that some women can be quite low after birth. I persuaded her to come and see a therapist with me but it didnt really help as most of the things they said just seemed to be a trigger to make her explode later on in the day or week. Anyway after a year and a half of continious harrasasement at times I would have to lock myslef in the toilet while she would shout for 2 to 3 hours at a time non stop I decided to leave. We were apart for 9 months, me living in a bedsit whilst I was paying for a small apartment for her and my son. I would visit and stay with them for the weekend and it was about 50/50 whether she would spend most of the weekend shouting and accusing me of abandoning them and being in a new relationship. She would also regualrly call me during the week at work and start accusing me of seeing other women and threatning to call my work number non stop if i didnt talk to her. I eventually moved back in with them as I coukldnt afford 2 places and missed my son.

To finalise after having done some research on BPD i came to the conclusion that she had a lot of the symptoms of BPD and without explicitly telling her this I have been trying to get her to see a doctor/therapist. She was previously diagnosed with depression but the pills she was given didnt really help. I have now reached breaking point, eventhough I have told her that our relatioship is over she seems tgo from telling me she hates me and would never want to be in a relationship with me, to telling me she loves and will wait forever within the space of a day, she cant stop accusing me of seeing other women and cant go more than a day without finding something to argue about and then putting all the blame on me. Living like this is impossible, I try hard to not fight back and after 1 threee hour rage session i try to talk gently to her about seeing someone, but as I said earlier her response is that love is her cure. When this occurs between 2-5am on a thrursday, friday night and all day saturday by sunday im exploding and when i try to walk away for air she stands in front of the door. If i try to move her away she starts shouting that im beating her, so she wants me to just stay in the room and take her abuse. What can i do? she refuses to get help, fighting back is useless,staying silent or agreeing with her just gets her more agitated and everything is my fault, until 24 hours later when she loves me, 24 hours after that im a bleep and its all my fault again. Is this usual bpd behaviour? does anyone who has bpd have any advice on how to calm her down, get her to seek help?

thank you for taking the time to read this, much appreciated.

Hey,

How 'complex' are those reasons for her moving in with you in the first place? Maybe analysing that might reveal something. It could have been the first wrong move of many - that's what I'm trying to imply. Still, that can't just be the only reason for all that has happened.

You might be surprised to hear that I know what she's going through. Her behaviour matches the behaviour that I had, except that the person who bore the brunt of my abuse was my own mother. I shouted at her constantly and threatened to hit her with my fists or with an object (I never did). The anger inside me was uncontrollable, as it seems to be for your 'partner'.

One thing that eventually led me to see a doctor was the constant nagging of my family. Fighting back will never do any good. When she's angry, just back off and leave the room. She's hurting inside, but by responding to her rage you are making her rage get the better of - and progress within - her. Getting others on your side might be ideal too, such as a sibling she has or a friend. It will be difficult though.

Another option is to show her a list of symptoms of BPD (if that's what you genuinely believe she has). Sometimes, when we read something on a sheet of paper, it seems so much more believable than when we hear it from someone's mouth.

Kevin

Hi Chuck

those reasons are very complex and she has had quite a few family problems which i believe are now coming through in why she consisitentyl accuses me of abandoning her. She also lost a close family member when she was very young in circumstances that she has never fully explained to me and im not sure that she is fully aware of those circumstances either. In response to a few of the questions you raised one problem is an inability for me to leave the room. She physically places herself in front of the exit and refuses to move insisting that i sit there and take her verbal abuse. This abuse regularly consists of numerous false accusations normally involving either another mysterious woman and more often than not very vicious attacks against my family.

Your second point about getting others on side is another trigger for her. She is always telling me how my behaviour is outrageous and if she told anyone about it they would agree with her, however if i attempt to speak to anyone or anyone attempts to speak to her about her behaviour she will come up with either: of course they'll back you up theyre your friend or ive been going around telling everyone she crazy. She takes it very personally if anyone approaches her about her behaviour. When it comes to her friends she has already accused me of sleeping with pretty much all of them and i have a feeling they are fearfull or just unwilling to confront her about her behaviour. The odd thing is that in calm periods she accepts that she has anger and rage problems but its never long before she back to its all my fault and im the one with the problems.

I do however think it would be a very good idea to show her some symptoms of bpd because there is so many things im sure she would relate to. I was also wandering about showing her this forum but if she saw this post i dont know what her reaction would be.

thanks

You can remove your posts, and then invite her to the forum. However, it might be better to try to show her a list of symptoms first. it sounds quite difficult what you are facing. For example, I have never heard of someone physiaclly blocking the door to prevent you from leaving. You cannot exactly push her out of the way because she might interpret that as a physical attack, given the state of paranoia that she is in.

Good luck,
Kevin

PS- I advise telephoning your local doctor too. He/she might have contacts in the psychology field that could offer advice.