Shed some light please?

Okay, so I am a twenty year old female and am literally sick of diagnosis after diagnosis and would just like some feedback on this disorder. I was first diagnosed depressed at 13 when I was self injuring. I then had episodes of depression nearly every year about four months out of the year (typically in Spring... actually, always in Spring). When I was 19, I began having extreme panic attacks and ended up in the ER four times over them. I took Zoloft and had one nasty reaction in which I became angry and irritable, breaking a wine glass with intent to injure myself. It was as if there was someone else inside me, threatening to burst out. My skin was on fire. It was awful.

Because of that one bad reaction to Zoloft, I was diagnosed Bipolar and put on Lamictal. However, I never agreed with the diagnosis and refused to take the medication. Other than the bad reaction to Zoloft, there's really nothing that indicates Bipolar. I had one period where I was more artistic than usual and was very active. However, I go through many periods like this- being more active, artistic, social, etc. But they never last all that long. Doesn't a manic or hypomanic episode have to be at least 4 days? I'm pretty sure they've never been that long.

Normally, it's almost a daily thing. One day I may be depressed and the next I may be elated. Or one day I may feel like I don't exist. (except in Spring when I am extremely depressed). I have had periods of depersonalization but I have never hallucinated or been delusional. The closest to hallucinating I've come was when I was a child I used to see someone whom I named "Charlie". He use to stand at my window and stare at me. He disappeared when I turned 12 and I never saw anything like it again.

I get bored very easily. I tend to feel as if I'm existing, sort of drifting day to day. I find that weeks disappear and I don't know what happened to them. I don't remember things. Or I remember them wrong. Time is kind of hazy to me, like everything is foggy. I do still self harm and I also throw up what I eat, but I don't think I'm bulimic. It's more of a coping thing. I don't know who I am and I don't trust myself- I do have an extremely unstable image of myself. I do see the world in black and what and tend to want to be close to people and then suddenly want to be alone for weeks on end.

As far as relationships go, I do not date. I have not had a boyfriend or anything close since I was 14 (although I had a frightening stalker a year ago). As far as friends go, they're pretty stable. I have two good friends who I don't talk to often but I know they're there for me. It's when I begin to hang out with people often it's that things go haywire. I tend to feel rejected extremely easily and will detach from the person. I think this is probably a defensive mechanism than a fear of abandonment.

I am highly competitive and tend to want to be the best. When I am not making the best grade or making the best scores at work, I can get extremely angry at myself. However, I am not violent, verbally or physically. I am also not manipulative. I tend to not care enough to be manipulative- I have a high level of apathy.

The diagnosis of Borderline has only recently been brought up but I question this diagnosis as well. I don't know much about it, but I do know I am NOT Bipolar. So if anyone can share their experiences with me, that would be excellent. Thanks!

Hi, freebirdflyaway! Seeing life through a "mist" and feeling like you don't really exist can be associated with dissociation, I think. I was depressed in my teens too and I'd also see life this way. Do you get extreme mood swings daily? Maybe it all still is linked to depression and anxiety. It's probably not a good idea to try to figure out on your own if you have BPD. Some people have bad luck with doctors, but if you're in a bad place right now, you shouldn't give up.

I'm not going to say you have it or try and diagnose you. In my opinion, you do have some things going on that is BPD like, mainly this paragraph..

I do still self harm and I also throw up what I eat, but I don't think I'm bulimic. It's more of a coping thing. I don't know who I am and I don't trust myself- I do have an extremely unstable image of myself. I do see the world in black and what and tend to want to be close to people and then suddenly want to be alone for weeks on end.

I tend to feel rejected extremely easily and will detach from the person. I think this is probably a defensive mechanism than a fear of abandonment.

I have a high level of apathy.

You also mention several places of detatchment.

I've never heard of anyone forcing them to throw up. If you had it I would think your emotions would be intense, and I would think that your relationships would be more unstable.

After reading what you wrote, I don't have this overwhelming sense that you are. I would definetely agree that you have depression.

I take Lamictal, and you may want to consider giving that a try. Unlike zoloft which is an anti depressant, lamictal is used as a mood stabalizer. I'm not sure if I helped you any.

Hi Freebird! You’ve had a few dx’es. Have they all been from the same sources? What led up to your being dx’ed in each instance? I can see BPD tendencies in your description. Not so much on the Bi-Polar. But that may refer to only knowing what you wrote in the first post.

Do you journal? Just thinking that may help with 1) keeping up with disappearing time and 2) giving a Psychiatrist more of a full picture of what is going on with you.

Just a thought…..

@jasmin I do get extreme mood swings, but not daily. Sometimes they might be daily, or even in seconds, but for the most part it's weekly. One week could be a good one, the next could be a bad one. There's not real outward trigger I can THINK of, but maybe I'm missing it.

@cboxpalace I think I got confused by one of your sentences. No one is forcing me to throw up; I do it on my own. Maybe that's what you meant but one of your sentences made me think you were saying someone else is making me throw up. That would be messed up! Haha. My emotions are intense or they're just not there at all. When they're intense is when I throw up but when there's nothingness is when I self harm. I think I could see the correlation between the two, actually. But I don't really feel like psychobabbling myself, haha. And my relationships are incredibly unstable. There's not many fights in them, but friends seem to come and go and I seem to come and go out of their lives as well. I rarely get close enough to have good friends because of a few bad experiences in high school that I honestly just need. to. get. over.

Thing is, I'm not very sad. I'm not really sad at all. I get crying spells, and then I'll randomly get angry or irritable or then I'll be happy. But they are all quite fleeting. Maybe I am thinking of a particular stigma, but I thought that to be depressed you would have to have days upon days of sadness? Other than in Spring, I don't really get that. My moods change more weekly, but they're not mania. Oh, and I am taking Lamictal and it's not doing much, haha. If anything, I think it's making me MORE irritable. But I can't be put on an antidepressant. Go figure, lol. I honestly don't think I have depression. I think that I do get periods of depression in Spring, but I don't think that would call for a diagnosis.

@2L84ME Out of curiousity, because I am a total n00b lol, what does dx mean? Does it mean diagnosis? IF it does mean diagnosis (lol) I was diagnosed Bipolar because of my bad reaction to an antidepressant and then was diagnosed Panic Disorder because of the reoccuring panic attacks I get, and I was diagnosed OCD because I have to say things three times and write certain things... it's weird. It's Tourette's. But a very MILD case. And the current exploration of BPD was a new psychotherapist's idea. I suppose something I said or did or something must have lead up to it, but she hasn't really told me much about why she is thinking this, other than the fact that I detach ridiculously easy and fear rejection like nobodies business (which is why I detach. It's connected).

I do journal actually! It was my mom's idea. She said I would remember what I was feeling more and be able to track my moods easier by what I wrote in my journal.

Thank you all for your replies!

Unfortunately, there is no “one size fits all” for depression. It took me 25 years to figure out that was my problem. I always think of this one commercial that has been on recently where they are showing these people who look so sad, in their bathrobes, laying around, etc. That was never me. My depression was covered by a mask of happiness. I always laugh, make jokes, goof off, etc. Internally, I just wanted to be dead. Each and every day, just hoped I didn’t wake up, or would be killed in some way or another. But that’s just me.

You say you don’t feel depressed all the time. You seem to have ups and downs but maybe not to the extent of Bi-polar. There is a dx (yes, diagnosis) that’s a Bi-polar Light. I can’t remember what the technical term is, but it’s where you have the ups and downs just not as extreme.

Anyway, the point is that you need to sit down with this psychoanalyst and talk – really talk. Bring your journal and hit on some of the emotional highlights. See what patterns evolve out of that. Psychs and Therapists only see us for a short time and don’t know things unless we tell them. If you truly want to get help and get better, use everything you have in your tool chest to work with.