whats wrong with my mind

hey I need some help and ill try and make a life story quick. Please don't just open and read then exit out. Give me some advice even if its just suck it up.

We'll I won't go into to much detail with everything but my earlyest memories are or being sexual abused by multi different people througout my child hood. Id go out to play and somehow would end up somewere I shouldn't hav been and things would happen then id go home to a mom who's a nurse and would get beatin till I was bleeding stiched up with no pain meds or she would draw my blood till I would pass out because it made her roses more red. My dad never really got involded and wouldn't even take me out of the closet id b in for days. I hav a brother and she would make me say it was him that did it wen I was allowed to go to school. Both the sexual abuse by random people and physical continued till I was about 15. In elementy skool I had a problem with killing animals wether by cutting the apart or burning them up there screams were how I could feel. When people started to notice me cutting rabbits and filling them with explosives and saw it as wrong I almost entirly stopped and moved on to manipulating peoples mind to find the core of there pain and make them hate it in them selves while I pretended to help them. I've mastered lieing and manipulation and I only do it because it makes me feel better. Most of the time I don't even realize I am and wen I catch myself I can't stop. It lik the tears of others or the blood of watever I kill fuels me. I hav also tortued myself by do everything I can to kill my emotions by living the most painful event I can recall until I don't feel them then catigorize new problems with those so they become obsolite. And I've changed my personality to 'fit in' so many times I have no idea who the real me is.

I reasently got out of rehab for alchol abuse for nearly permanitly destroying my liver and everything was brought up there. Things I had forgot about or burried. All my personalitys and emotions are drowning me. I still don't feel them but its lik they are cruching me to death. I feel so empty and dead. I don't know if what I'm feeling right now is real or some emotion or memory I made up to exsist. I can't most made up thoughts, lies, or dreams from the real world. If you met me I look lik the happyest person alive. What's wrong with me? I hav sporatic anger, hoplessness, happyness that I can't control since I got out a few weeks ago. I feel everything at the same time but at the same time I don't even know if its real.

I left out so much to make this short so people would read it.

Please help me. Some part of me is asking for it.

Token, it seems to me like what you talked about in rehab opened up old wounds and now you really need more help so you can deal with your memories and emotions. Is there any chance of you getting more therapy?

Hi token,

What jasmin said. You endured abuse and you deserve to be free. You're going to need a guide though - so please find a way to therapy.


I'm so, so sorry you got such a raw deal. You really deserve so much more.

I think many of us that have been through the battles of drug & alcoholo addiction can attest to the fact that you're first year of sobriety is gonna fraught with these kinds of things; as your mind begins to remember, your heart begins to feel, and your crutch beccons to you- urging you forget everything once more...

It's terrible and we've all been there, but it will pass with time.

I know how hard it is to feel those feelings, to open the old wounds and relive the pain. But as you struggle through the both the thought process and emotions that flood you, remember that YOU ARE HERE! You made THIS FAR! And tomorrow begins a new day in the ongoing story of your life.

I wish you strength, peace of mind & just take it "One day at a Time"

Hi Token

I am so sorry to hear all the heartache you have been though in your life. At the moment are you still living or in contact with your family? as this would make it incredibly hard to heal. You must believe that you are a strong person, you have been thugh so much and are recovering from alcoholism. You truly have come this far and you must not give up now. There is light at the end of the tunnel, I know and understnd that at the moment it is hard for you to see that.

Everyday, keep reminding yourself of how far you have come. Are you currently still seeing a therapist, as i really feel you would benefit from seeing a therapist who could help you/ support you to heal all your old wounds.

I really hope you are ok and never feel that you are alone, you have this forum for support.