I need help...advice...something please

Please bear with me through this because it may be long but I need to say my story out loud to someone, somewhere for the first time. I need some insight from unbiased people because honestly I am in a place where I do not know what to do. I have recently come to terms with the fact that I most likely have BPD. I have an educational background in psych so have always been familiar with it and used to joke that I had it though at the time I was not really serious. But I have every single symptom, even the more severe ones. I grew up in an abusive household where my dad was living in another state and I barely had contact with him before the age of 13 and once I did it was still very sporatic. My mother was good to me at a younger age but when I was seven she met my step-father. He was extremely abusive towards me both physically and mentally. At 13 he kicked me out of our house for good for not walking the dog when he told me to. My mother allowed this and is still with him to this day. So in a sense I was abandoned by both of my parents. So the background is definitely there. I was also very abused by my first real boyfriend at 13. He beat me, raped me and even stabbed me. I have floated through life having both very unhealthy and healthy relationships but I am now spiraling in a way I never have. I have very extreme paranoia when it comes to believing people and they have to prove their feelings for me repeatedly before I will begin to consider trusting them. When I get angry I act in a ridiculous manner and I constantly think people want to leave me and that no one wants me. Most recently I was engaged in a relationship with a boy I met on an online dating website and he seemed very nice. Our relationship lasted six weeks and during that time he said very wonderful things to me. Telling me he never felt like anyone fit him so well before, that he was falling for me, that he adored me, etc. etc. I ate it up. Really anytime anyone acts like that towards me I get a high off of it like I am a drug addict. I in turn began to develop very strong feelings for him as well. Last Wednesday he called me and said he wanted to cut our relationship short because he still had feelings for his ex and didn't feel it was fair to continue anything with me due to that. I freaked out, like I always do when I am rejected. I was crying hysterically all night. The next day at work I had to run to the bathroom about a dozen times to collect myself. I started posting messages directed at him all over my facebook, I was texting him obsessively, I wrote him this incredibly long email. I completely tail spinned. This is not the first time I have acted in this manner either. Which is humiliating to admit but it is true. Then last night he told me he never really had the feelings he claimed he had. I do not know at this point if he said this to push me away or if it is fact. I again texted him a bunch, then went into a rage and emailed him a very awful letter. Today I am just numb and now I am left wondering if I ever really felt anything for him or if I was just addicted to the situation because frankly anytime anyone shows me positive attention I go nuts for it. In the last year my behavior has included the following:
-I have invited a man I met once from the internet to my house and engaged in sex with him
-I have gotten myself emotionally involved with my best friend's married brother who I do have true feelings for but also know now is not the time. But I still do it. I have even sent him nude pictures of myself, something I've never done before.
-I owe more money to more people/places than I ever have and have no idea how I will dig myself out. My car note is two months behind. I haven't paid any of my bills in 2 months. When I get paid I spend my money fruitlessly and with disregard.
-I believe I am going to get fired from my job this week which will be a first for me. I have been calling into work quite often and I believe they are done with it.
-I ended my last serious relationship by sleeping with his co-worker who was in a serious relationship as well. The guy's girlfriend caught us, resulting in me having to tell my ex and him quitting his job.
-My ex was not a very good person. He used me for money and never paid attention to me. He was very wrong for me.
-I stopped going to my classes which resulted in me getting kicked out of school.
-I've been eating obsessively
- My liscence plates are two months expired and I am not trying to do a thing about it and still driving my car. I also tend to drive very fast.

And I know there is more but I cannot remember at the moment. I do have people close to me in my life that truly care for me and are very supportive but none of them know what is really going on with me. I never lie to them but I tell them half truths. None of them know everything, they know that I am sad over my recent break-up and that I am having financial problems but they do not know why. I am too ashamed to tell them, but I know I need help. I just do not know how to even begin asking for it. There is more to my story but I am getting tired of typing so the above is at least the jist of it.

For those of you who know you have BPD does this sound like it? I cannot afford a psychiatrist therefore I am not able to get a proper diagnosis and I now just need to figure out what is wrong with me so I can try to get myself better. If I do have BPD I understand that I may never be "fixed" but I can at least learn to control some things and get a better grip. But I cannot even begin to figure out how to help myself until I know what is wrong with me.

Soma, maybe it's not a great idea to try and diagnose yourself. Do you think your family would help you with money so that you could afford to see a psych? Maybe there are support groups that you could find. You can also try looking for a rape crisis center, where you might be able to get help, since your first boyfriend raped you. It might be cheaper there, I'm not sure.
You've been through awful stuff, your family should have protected you. It isn't your fault.

next best thing is READ from online articles on BPD, bipolar, narcissism, paranoia, other personality disorder

Read Angry Hearts for another. A few bucks from Amazon.com

From my readings there are various levels/types of BPD spectrum too. Passive is one.

Most of my help ... as a Non though and trying to help my ex BPD is all the article readings, book readings, and reading other people's actual stories.

Having awareness though is the right path.

"knowing is half the battle" ... and from the readings, when you become more "knowing" of the disorder(s), the better "control" you might be able to have.

Good luck to you. I know it's HARDER then heck ... anybody can tell you what you need to do ... it's a matter of being able to DO THEM.

And not everyone can practice what they preach either.