Earth-shattering problems with the woman I love.

Hello everyone,

I have been dating a woman with BPD for almost a year now. Needless to say our relationship can be extremely volatile. I would not put up with the actions of my my girlfriend if I did not love her so much. I did not know she had BPD until 3 or 4 months into the relationship, and only recently, as is a week or two ago, did I do the research on BPD that I should have done long ago, but was too scared to.

My girlfriend has classic BPD. We both love each other dearly, but we have had so many problems in our relationship. Only now am I coming to understand that I am not the cause of most of these problems, and no matter how hard I try and how much therapy I go through, I cannot cure or even help her unless she is willing to help herself. I can only work on my own emotional issues and how I respond to her.

Several months ago, we were on vacation on the east coast. We stayed up late and got very drunk with some of her relatives. I realize now that when she drinks, her symptoms are greatly exaggerated and nearly every time we end up fighting, sometimes viciously. On this particular night our fight escalated into physical violence. I had fallen asleep and she had gone to eat with her relatives. She came back and wanted my attention, and I refused to give it to her, because I was already asleep for an hour or so. She became furious with me, and kicked out at me while I was lying in bed. Furiously, I jumped onto her, shoved her into the bed and told her that she cant "do this". Suffice to say I was still inebriated and took my anger out on her in a very unhealthy way. She ended up biting me and striking at me, and I back at her. The only injury sustained was a slight cut on her lip and some bruising on my ribs, but it was all over at that point. She told her relatives that I beat her up and they forced me to fly back to California. At that point I felt singularly horrible. I imagined that this was all my fault, and that I didnt deserve to be with such a wonderful woman. I should add that in those first 6 months I had been accused of using and abusing her emotionally and financially, as was unemployed the whole time and only now am I financially independent.

Flash forward 3 months. We worked through that physical altercation and though our relationship was tenuous at first, we moved out to Colorado to be with each other because she got a great job at a private high school. We have been up and down since then. She kicked me out after we invited some people at a bar to our house after closing to hang out. I went to sleep @ 3AM and left them (her and 2 mid-20s down to earth guys) to hang out. I made beds for them in the spare bedroom and went to sleep feeling confident. I woke up at 6AM and she was gone. Her car wasnt in the driveway. I flipped out, not knowing if she had been arrested for DUI, if she had crashed, if she had gone back to their house, if she had been abducted..). She arrived home soon after, but I was already furious. She threw some of my clothes out of the closet and told me to get out. I threw her clothes out of the dresser and she ended the relationship right there. I am currently renting a room in a house so I can have my own space. I should also mention that she has kicked me out or threatened to kick me out 10-20 times over the course of our relationship.

Without getting into too much detail of her past, she has been hospitalized twice for attempted suicide after cheating on previous boyfriends. She cheated on me once, and I had to do all that I could to not let her fall as a consequence. I loved her enough to work through it. I still do.

Now the crux of the story. Last night we were once again out drinking, though we had previously promised each other that we would regulate our drinking together. She was out with coworkers and I met her at a bar after I got off work. She was already drunk, and continued to drink till 12AM or so, when she had to be at work at 8AM. She was too drunk to drive, so I drove us home. She wanted to make love, and we did, but she was so sloppy I was turned off and decided that we needed to just go to sleep. This enraged her and she got out the box of ammunition and started flinging at me why I was basically a bad person. I countered her and she became irate. She ripped the covers off me and tried to physically force me out of the bed and out of the house @ 2AM, naked, with no phone, wallet, etc.. I refused to leave and she became even more physically agressive to me, shoving her face into mine and screaming at the top of her lungs to get out. I kept shoving her away, and continued to do so 20 or 30 times, and every time she would come back and physically accost me again. Eventually I grabbed her by the neck and screamed at her to leave me alone. I shoved her away again and she fell on the stairs, hurting herself. I got all the stuff I could think of and left the house, slamming the door behind me. Horribly, she was trying to follow me outside and the slamming door crushed her fingers. Blood started pouring everywhere. She wiped her blood on me and then called the police. I left the house and was picked up by the police a short way down the street. I told them what had happened, and them made me wait in the car for an hour and a half while they talked to her to get her side of the story. Eventually they decided not to arrest me but drove me back to my apartment. She was taken to the hospital and treated for 2 broken fingers. I woke up this morning, and had 17 missed calls from her. I called her back, even though the police told me not to, and she told me that she loved me but that nobody would understand what happened and therefore could never see me again.

I am destroyed. I feel horrible about her hand, and horrible about the second time our fight became physical. Her mom is coming out from the east coast to take care of her and help her get through this, but her mom hates me for the last time we got into a fight and I know she looks past her daughter's condition and thinks I am a horrible person. I do not think I am a horrible person. I love my girlfriend and have supported her all I can through life and love. I know that leaving me is not the answer. She got the crap beat out of her last summer by her ex boyfriend, and now I am fighting with her physically. I feel that anywhere she goes and anyone she is with will have to deal with this side of her. I know her so well and accept her for who she is and I think that my support combined with real therapy for both of us is the only way that her condition will ever improve. I want so badly to see her recover and I want so badly to be with her to see it happen.

Right now I dont know what will happen, but I am in such shambles that I needed to find people that live with this illness and its effects; people that know that through counseling and effort, BPD can be treated and lives can be saved. I am so glad to find a group of people that can know what I am going through and provide support for her and I in horrible times such as this.

I may have to go to jail for domestic violence, which is unfortunate, but I am getting the help I need in my own counseling sessions to be a more healthy person, and I hope the same for the love of my life.

Thank you everyone for putting up with my extremely long post.

Take care.

Mike

hi mike,

Sorry you're so down. Apologies in advance for any missing caps - my left shift key is somewhat disabled. Anyway...

We both love each other dearly...

Maybe I'm missing something but, no, you don't love each other dearly. You "love" each other very poorly, if at all.

Love is an action and nothing in your story points to any behaviors related to loving someone. I just see abuse. Violent physical abuse.

I would not put up with the actions of my my girlfriend if I did not love her so much. I did not know she had BPD until 3 or 4 months into the relationship, and only recently, as is a week or two ago, did I do the research on BPD that I should have done long ago, but was too scared to.

There are reasons why you engage in this cycle and none have to do with loving your ex-girlfriend. The short list looks like this:

- You have history of abuse in your family, either you've experienced it first hand or you've witnessed it.
- You have a narcissistic wound stemming from this abuse and it has neither been addressed nor healed.
- You do not value your self and don't believe you deserve better.

If these items were untrue, you would never have stayed in this relationship as long as you have. You would not have become so enmeshed with her so quickly. You'd have been gone at the first display of violence. BPD or not. The diagnosis, by the way, has little bearing on anyone except for your ex. This info is for her and her therapist(s) to structure a path for her recovery. It is not for you to figure out how to time getting back together with her, how to broach any subjects, how to potentially avoid future violence, or whether there is any hope for you to have a peaceful, sustainable relationship with this woman. If you try to use it as such, you'll only end up where all of us Nons have already been: walking on eggshells; waiting for the other shoe to drop; stuck on the hamster wheel; living in Groundhog Day, etc. The only way out of the madness is OUT. Out of the relationship. You are not her husband, parent, or child. There are no legal or moral ties to your ex. Any reengagement will only cause further damage both physically and emotionally.

I cannot cure or even help her unless she is willing to help herself. I can only work on my own emotional issues and how I respond to her.

Actually, you cannot help her even if she is willing to help herself. She cannot participate in a relationship while she is going through therapy, if she can even get herself into it and stay in it long enough to realize her recovery. She has to work on her own emotional issues just like you have to work on your own emotional issues. It's not like either of you are a subset of one another. She has her issues; you have your issues; and the two of you were like oil and water. You weren't a match. You can't only blame the violence on her disorder. It was an exchange.

With that said, and going by my own experiences with a BPDer, your best bet is for there be no response from you. Disappear. I hate to say it because it seems so harsh and dramatic. But, like I wrote, the only way out is OUT. No contact. Or NC in certain circles. This period after the relationship's end can go on for months, even years, with the same push/pull and black/white extremes. Any continued engagement is just more of the same. You can decide when to get off the ride anytime you'd like. Just make sure you've retained at least some of your self worth - you'll be needing it.

Apologies, too, if anything I've written here seems harsh or cold. Your description of all that violence caused a trigger. I react differently depending on my mood and today I'm a bit exhausted. So, sorry. This is the same advice I'd give regardless.

I'm editing this to add:

Pushing her, shoving her 30 times, grabbing her neck - that is abuse on your part. That is you taking part in the physical violence that actually has me shaken up from reading your post. Once as a means of self defense is one thing. After that... I just don't have any more words. Given your own behaviors and moving the spotlight away from hers and BPD, if you truly love her you will leave her alone. You are unable to deal with this woman in a rational way and the way you do is dangerous.