New to the board-- Need feedback

Hello i have been married for almost 3 years now... It has been very very hard..... I am really trying to determine what is going on with my wife...... So much has happened i don’t really want to get into it all. The first 2 years were really hard.... My wife would rage, but the worst of it is that she gets verbally abusive and she insinuates and calls me horrible things. The sad part of it is I have retaliated in return.... not physically but verbally.

Its really weird what sets her off into her verbal tirade , yesterday she called me at work and I could not give her my undivided attention.... and asked her to please repeat herself in a very calming tone... she began the attack with the verbal abuse.. and calling me horrible things.... threatening to call the police on me which is completely absurd.... Needless to say I hung up on her... I want to do what is right before God.... She called me 20 times yesterday leaving all the horrible messages on the phone.... I do not listen to them because they only get me angry...

I decided to stay at a motel last night and not come home..... I know how things will get if I come home and she is in her verbal tirade.... she will begin the verbal abuse and literally follow me around the house and I will retaliate in return and then it will escalate into the police coming out to the house….. Again there is no physical abuse…. However when I say something I shouldn’t have then my wife calls the police and they come out to the house. I hope I did the right thing by going to a motel… I know how I get during these times with her and it is best to cut off all communication until she can talk calmly….. I really cannot handle it and I wish I could but I cant and then I get verbally abusive back and I hate myself when it happens.

I do think my wife has some definite signs of borderline…. We saw a counselor and he thought that she had symptoms of borderline and histrionic. We were doing the best in our marriage up to a week ago and a close friend of both of ours died. He and his wife were our neighbors and they were our refrigerator friends… I think Death has really affected her…. And it is like we are having a flare up….. We were doing so well but now I am back out on the street and living in the chaos again……

Any suggestions out there

I am really tempted to file for divorce and get on with my life.... this is too hard

Thanks

Take it from a borderline you should not divorce her. All we really want is to be loved. I know we can make it hard on the ones we love but seriosuly our intentions are good. I don't know about your wife but I constantly need reassurance. I feel like no one can relate to me, no one knows me or can understand. Reassure your wife. But whatever you do, do not leave her. These are the times she needs you the most. She is lucky to have you, none of my previous bfs would put up with me for a second for the way I act. Good luck. Don't give up!

Thanks
I am still in limbo about the decision.... It is next to impossible to live with the chaos. Right now she does not want me to come home for 3 days so she can get rest...... I am stressed beyond belief ... I am trying to save my home from foreclosure but now i cant even come home because she needs rest..... I told her i would just go to a bedroom and close the door and not bother her..... She said that would not work.... I cant afford a motel if i have to make a house payment.... or else!

this is crazy how does somebody expect to live like this..... I am depressed and i cant live the rest of my life this way....

I may be able to but the humiliation and verbal abuse is just too damn much..... she has told neighbors lies about me because she on some level believes them in her own mind...... she has been severely abused in the past... I dont think i can deal much longer...

This is a personal choice of what is right for you. There are treatments for this dx.

One of the biggest sx's is running others off, in hopes they will return to prove their love. It is stemmed from abandonment, and is testing.

If you love your SO. and I'm sure you do. Help them.

I was dx'd @ 22 and have been married 4 times. I either leave them, and then regret it, or run them off, but now I know what I was doing, and don't behave that way anymore. I had to learn my sx's and be aware of my behavior to control it and understand myself. Then I was able to learn SELF and who I am . It is hard to exist without knowing who you are. That is the part non BPD don't understand, and it's hard to see on the outside, but have you noticed they take on others' personalities very easily?

I used to rage, and scream, fight others, hurt myself, have flashbacks, hate everyone, only think in black and white, no like, just love or hate and the love was cartoonish. Then I took DBT classes and they helped so much.

This is a great website to see the inside out.
http://www.borderlinepersonality.ca/

all my best.

Should you divorce her because she is or may have BPD? No. Should you divorce her because of her abusive behavior? That is up to you. My recommendation, seek marriage counseling and see if she will join you. If not, go yourself to have an outside professional help you figure things out.

Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD) puts a tremendous strain on even the best or closest relationships. Whether you have a partner, a girlfriend/boyfriend, friends and even relationships with family - all can be very strained, if not lost, if one does not work to heal much of the aspects of how the BPD traits affect you.


In my experience, the most profound area of life that is affected by BPD is that of relationships. In my experience, this was the case right from my relationship to and with myself, to the relationships within my family of origin, friendships and romantic relationships. All have been drastically effected by the way in which BPD has manifested itself in me........for more

http://www.borderlinepersonality.ca/bor ... nships.htm


"All we need is love"

It's up to you. I have been married for 27 years, with all the ups and downs, plus my hospitalizations, meds, etc. I had a 10 year period of being fairly close to normal until my meds stopped working. It took a year, but now my meds seem to be working again. In that time we raised a child who has a good head on her shoulders and is not borderline. I hate to think of her childhood with all the fights and my hospitalizations but she has good memories of it. I tried very hard to compensate for my illness in my mothering.

However the relationship between my SO and me has been very rocky....and we are supposed to be going for marriage counseling within a month. Funny thing, I have found the smaller the house the harder it is for us to live together. We don't have enough room to get away from each other when we need to. We are in a small apartment right now, temporarily, and it has been very rough.

However, despite all this we are still married.

But I have been in treatment and on meds for a long time and have tried very hard to get well, and am still working at it. IMHO if she is borderline she needs to be in treatment for things to work, and even then it won't be easy. But there can be easier times. For me the meds help me to stay in control enough to learn coping stragegies through counseling.

I totally agree,

There are boundaries, and self preservation. But there is also hope for recovery, like with me.

I do rage still, but my husband doesn't react,,,this is the way to deal with it. It gives them enough time to cool down, and think about what they said , and how you didnt.

when I rage i realize , get away, don't take it out on the person who loves yo uthe most. find the real reason for the anger, and let it go.

So many times I've been on my knees, looking up and saying 'HELP ME I CAN"T DO THIS ALONE", and it worked. I was able to control my agoraphobia with little effort to attend my dbt classes.

My SO and I go to counseling, mainly because of me, but he has self esteem issues and is very sensitive, and I'm more hardshelled, that can cause clashes. I truely feel blessed to have some direction from a dr.