rant. ?triggering?

i'm having a really bad day. i feel so out of control and miserable.
i just want to be 'me', there is part of me that has identity - i have goals and dreams and desires and i know who i am, but i keep losing whatever that small piece is that i should be clinging on to and nurturing and developing.
don't you ever feel like this is all so much bigger than you?
whenever progress is made, or i have a realization/revelation it's only in a certain state (the real me state?) - so as soon as one little thing knocks me out of that frame of mind, that progress is gone. there's so many states, for want of a better word, and i don't know what's me, what's positive/negative, significant/insignificant, dissociation or just a frame of mind.
it's like i have a week of being anorexic, a fews days being bulimic, a few days being anxious and jittery and barely sleeping, a day of being depressed, a night of angry at myself and self harm, a day of being 'me', four days being obsessed with clothes shopping, another few days being anorexic, a week binge-eating and it goes round and round and round, slipping in and out of different places and it's all just so fast and i don't know what's real and i just feel confused all the time,
like when i'm not eating that's all i think about - i obsess about what i eat, it fully consumes my life and i can visualize a perfect future(when i'm thin and beautiful a boy will fall in love with me etc.) - i have a goal and i'm focussed and it feels good - and then just like it comes, it goes - i still have body issues and think i'm fat but eating doesn't consume me - there's something different, like being obsessed about a certain theory and looking up everything i can -
i suppose it that sense i'm either obsessed/hyper or depressed/apathetic.
does anyone else feel like this? i'm scared i either sound completely ridiculous or so 'textbook' borderline that it's embarrassing.
and then there's the social anxiety/etc. which is like...everything.
but then sometimes there's this 'ptsd' stuff and i don't know where that fits, flashbacks and panic attacks and not being able to say certain words ... sorry i know this post is completely erratic and my head is just all over the place but i just feel so lost and confused and i hate myself, everything is just so big. i know that's a childish statement but i don't know how else to say it, there are too many problems, too many states, too many things to focus on, too many things to love, to hate, to dedicate your life to, to cry about, to fix, to focus on..
blah.

aww it does get too much, it can be completely overwhelming, I have nothing but a cyber (((hug))) for you

I hope it calms down for you soon

Thanks McTann (:

Try Xanax, but not too much, it will make you skip days.

I've been on Xanax twice.. it didn't help. I'm not on any meds at the moment though..

peachplumpear wrote:don't you ever feel like this is all so much bigger than you?

All the time. I hope things get better for you.