borderline is a curse, but i dont know who i'd be without it

"why am i here? why me?" these questions i repeatedly ask myself over and over again, until my mind can answer them no more. "is it because god thinks i am strong and able to handle it?''"there are numerous times i thought it must be a mistake. this disorder doesnt describe me AT ALL. other people disagree.other people are different. sometimes, i hate them for it.

well, my name is yasmeen, i am half arabic, half welsh. weird mix =S
my parents divorced when i was 4, (my fault) and my dad remarried and had another kid. my eldest sister (shes 21) is bipolar and also has bpd, and my psych suspects my biological mum had BPD as well. im am only 16; and i have already started therapy for my BPD. yesterday was my first session although i have been seeing her for a year already. i am also diagnosed with major depression. i wondered out of therapy after the session was done, and it felt like someone was poking my brain around, resurfacing all those memories i so desperately hid. she made me HATE my mum. it feels like its all her fault for leaving, although she wouldntve left if it wasnt for me. i am ruined. my whole body is ruined. i am a selfharmer. i cant wear shorts for all my scars are on my thighs. i abuse my medication, taking too much at times. i constantly count calories and restrict myself of food or go on a massive binge and end up with my head bent over the toilet purging all the evil out. i wonder, how i will be in 5 years..sometimes, i picture myself dead, ceasing to exist no more. i feel bad for what ive put my dad through; the suicide scares, the crying and screaming, slamming my door and telling him how much i hate them all. true though, i didnt have a good childhood growing up i was surrounded my verbal and physical abuse. i can only say thanks to how much my dad has changed, although the same cant be said for my stepmum and her tongue. im scared..i really dont want to be labeled as the girl with BPD. how will i live with it? all my relationships have failed, because in the end i feel suffocated and push them away. im off to uni next year. hopefully. i will be surrounded by unfamiliar faces, and sometimes, people scare me. ive given up on humanity. ive given up on hoping people would change for the better.it not just people..some places scare me as well. and old things. i have a phobia of anything old, even old music or books or movies.
i want to forget my past. all of it. x

You are lucky to be young and aware of your issues. I think you have a pretty good chance of gaining a stable life if you work on it. Which is probably true of us all but much harder when you're older. Hang in there.

icryrainbows wrote:i want to forget my past. all of it. x

Forget the past and you'll be doomed to repeat it.

I check and double check these days. I have confidants that I touch base with that verify whether or not my blacklist actions are legitimate or truly my BPD. It's all about a measured response. I am trying really hard these days. Still, when bad things happen I want to die. I look around I want to die. I don't feel the touch of someone I love, I want to die. So, basically, I spend most days wondering why I stick around. I guess I gave myself a two-year plan. Two years of meds and therapy. If things don't turn around, then I'll make that walk of no return.