Did BPD ruin everything for me?

After the recent breakup of a very turbulent and intense online relationship I'm now questioning if I have BPD.
Or if maybe I was gaslighted by my former BF into thinking I have it and there's something about him that made me this way, I dunno. I need answers and understanding and I can't let go of it.

The story:

We met in April 2009 on an Autism website and I became instantly obsessed with him in a romantic way. We have a few turbulent times due to my feelings and his ex GF still holding onto him and wanting to be with him again (I don't handle jealousy well). In June he says he loves me but only platonically. We started this confusing "romantic friendship" thing which gets very overly emotional, close and touchy feely (lots of hugging etc. I'd never had this depth of relationship before). We talk often about getting together romantically but we always used to come to arguments about how to deal with his ex if we did. She was holding onto him big time and I knew she would try to break us up if she found out he had found someone new (I was happy for him to stay friends with her, but if she kept hounding him to leave me....).

In February this year he says he's ready to try dating me. We have some hiccups before getting together (he has OCD and kept having intrusive thoughts about my ex BF's and a one night stand I had three years ago. His thoughts make him want to drive me away). I then find out about another female friend he has who also is obsessed with him romantically. I get angry at him for hiding his other friends from me. Then of course, the next drama comes when it's time to tell his ex about us. She doesn't take it too well and she begs and begs for him to leave me to be with her again. The $#%^ hits the fan again when he has another OCD attack, this time with sexually intrusive thoughts about his ex. He thinks the thoughts means he is still in love with her and he breaks up with me. I go ballistic and wish him to die and hurt himself, I got so angry and upset because of all the things lost and the abandonment felt, I thought he didn't want me in his life anymore. He finally realizes what his thoughts are and we get back together for a few days before his ex and the other friend of his team up together and break us up again. I assume the worst, that he doesn't care about me anymore and I'll never hear from him ever again. I feel suicidal and stop eating, losing 5kg. I get the courage to contact him and he says he still loves me, we get back together again.

Weeks later he has OCD thoughts about my past again and he breaks up with me. I send him emails begging him to stay with me and saying I want to hurt myself again. The he says he can't see past the one night stand I had years ago and that he can't imagine being with me sexually, he has a moral issue with my past. I of course get angry at him, and in my anger I vent about it to other people online. He finds out the stuff I said and says he never wants to be with me again because he thinks I told lies to everyone and that I was disloyal to him. This makes me feel suicidal again as I still love him and and don't want to feel abandoned. I'm scared of losing everything.

He tells me he wants to work things out and get back together. Two days later I find out he is back with his ex and I get angry again. Now he's stopped talking to me and has lost all care for me because I've been wanting to hurt myself so much. He accuses me of being manipulative and playing social games. I feel suicidal so bad for all that has been taken away, and I keep wanting to hurt myself to see if he still cares for me. His GF/ex is stalking me online and he doesn't care enough to do anything about it. I don't even love him anymore. I just want him to care again. He's still talking to his other female friend so it must just be me.

I'm scared that every relationship I have will be like this and I'll do something bad to make people lose all care for me. I've now lost 20kg and I've tried other method of harming myself. I've OD'd on Lexapro and tried cutting. I feel like I was the one who ruied everything with him and I don't deserve to be in his life anymore. I think I fit all the criteria for BPD at the present time, but I didn't two years ago when I was not in a relationship. I've been introverted and emotionally sensitive my whole life. I was in an emotionally abusive relationship a few years ago.

Why does it make me feel so suicidal?
Why am I having trouble moving on from him?
Why did/does he have other girls obsessed with him just as much as I am? (two is a coincidence, three is a pattern in my book)
Why did I get obsessed with him in the first place? (I've had lots of these obsessions with people, this is just the first one that wasn't one sided)

Sorry for the length. I don't know what to do anymore.

I cannot tell from over here whether you have a mental disorder from what you said (except perhaps low self esteem made much worse by his presence), but I will say that anyone would feel and act crazy from all the unreasonable crap he has put you through. What a ###$!! Get away from him, for your own sanity. Nothing is going to change if you go back to him.

GO!

That's similar to what all the people I vented to said. They said he was a psychopath

How does his present GF handle it then? She spent 2 years dating him before he dated me and went through the same sort of OCD stuff with him. Is she just a freak of nature emotionally or something? He was notorious for breaking things up on a whim every few weeks or so. It made me feel very very insecure and anxious all the time (which didn't help the plumetting weight) but apparently she never felt insecure at all.

He can't help the OCD, but he didn't have to act the way he did because of it, I admit that.

Yes, I have very low self esteem and it's no better now thanks to him.

And I've been really paranoid about him, his GF and his other friend being out to hurt me and make me commit suicide.

jane_jones, why have you not put this person on your blacklist? I mean, I have, in the past, done the dance you have, like everyone else, but I have had had shorter dances, many shorter dances, I have put people on my blacklist in an instant. I wonder why you haven't. Have you ever done that to anyone? Any garden-variety love interests that you've put on a blacklist? Just curious.

I don't know about for you but borderline personality disorder ruined everything for me. I would have went on to become a nun had I not been diagnosed with mental illness. It sucks but I realize now that I am truly mentally ill and that I need the help that I am getting.

f mae wrote:jane_jones, why have you not put this person on your blacklist? I mean, I have, in the past, done the dance you have, like everyone else, but I have had had shorter dances, many shorter dances, I have put people on my blacklist in an instant. I wonder why you haven't. Have you ever done that to anyone? Any garden-variety love interests that you've put on a blacklist? Just curious.

What do you mean put on my blacklist? Cut off contact with him? I've already forgotten about him as a romantic interest. I guess I'm still emotionally dependant on him. Even if the "love" is gone, I still find myself clinging onto the remaining things like friendship and care from him. I hate him too of course, for many reasons, and I can see what a #######5 overmoralistic person he is. I feel like hurting myself when he takes anything remaining away. He thinks I was abusing him by threatening to hurt myself to get a response from him. Everytime I talk to him now he brings up how immature, emotionally impulsive, "rough" as he calls it (I swear sometimes ) and all the things I did wrong. And he compares me negatively to his current GF who is supposedly all mature and stable. That's why I think he's trying to gaslight me into thinking I have BPD. It seems strange as he never used to talk to me like this. He used to say I was more mature than her, then all of a sudden he stopped after he went back to her.

He's not garden variety, that's part of the problem I think. He had two other girls obsessed with him who ganged up on me to try and get me out of his life. I'm sure there were other girls obsessed with him too. It's like he seems to draw in the types of girls who are prone to that sort of obsessive attachment and dependancy (or he deliberately targets them, but that's just my paranoid thought).

Um, maybe you're in the wrong place. Or maybe I am. I'm confused. So this drama continues to unfold. You are not romantically linked with this person but allow him to harangue you for all this time? I am missing something here. I would've punched myself in my own face a thousand times over before I would've allowed it to get this far, so I am wondering, why haven't you blacklisted him? (Blacklisted means goodbye forever, he might as well be dead.)

Cloud09 wrote:I don't know about for you but borderline personality disorder ruined everything for me. I would have went on to become a nun had I not been diagnosed with mental illness. It sucks but I realize now that I am truly mentally ill and that I need the help that I am getting.

I feel exactly the same. I'm so consumed with pain that I have lost all motivation in my life. I've lost all desire to care about something as simple as eating or sleeping and the only thing that gets me through the day is the cocktail of drugs (both illicit and prescribed) I have to take to try and find that balance where I can actually leave my house and face the outside world. The worst thing is knowing that I am aware that I am trapped in a cycle of self directed anger and punishment and that I am sick of going on like this, where I can't even hide the fact that I have a problem as I've been told it's apparently obvious. But honestly the alternative is scarily bleak so I just keep plodding along hoping because at this moment, I have no idea what I'm going to do.

jane_jones wrote:He thinks I was abusing him by threatening to hurt myself to get a response from him.

Well, to be fair, this is abusive behavior. Emotional blackmail. Not good.

You guys aren't doing any good for each other.

Take some time out. Get some distance... you are too lost in this situation to see clearly. I promise it will do you a world of good.

Take care of yourself! Way easier said than done, of course, but please figure out how to love yourself more... it's your only choice.