Bad Day

Hi all.
I'm not having a good day. I couldn't work all day. I'm not actually allowed work because I'm on illness benefit, but I thought I could do it. WROnG.

I'm quite drunk right now. Trying to cope. But I'm only making thing s worse. It's not long since I split with my wife, but I met an amazing woman who I could really see a future with. But I need to be functional.

Being with her has been amazing. I feel love... the real thing. But I can't do this to her if I'm not in one piece. Tonight I have to tell her to walk away. That hurts so much. Why can't I try and make everything work out. Why am I compelled to fail, to sabotage, to run away from what I'm capable of?

This is rough. I know who I am now. I know I could be a "good catch", but I can't do it. I can't do the work that would make me the person I really want to be. The person I really am behind the #######4 that is this disorder.

I like me. I like who I am, yet I am stopping myself from realising that dream. I am getting in the way of a great future. I don't know how to describe it. I have just been experiencing something that is beyond my best dreams. . . but I have to let her go. I can't do this to her because I love her. For those that wondered if it is possible for somebody with BPD to love... the answer is yes. But we need to take care of the people we love.

Oh, Optimistic...

You really have to stop letting the disorder define who you are.
Oppose it. At every turn, oppose it.
If you suddenly feel like doing something rash... do nothing.
If you think of going left, go right.

Reaction Formation.

<3 It'll be okay, but seriously...
You let this disorder run your life instead of running it yourself.
I wish you were closer so I could help you in person.
I'm great at teaching reaction formation...