maintaining relationships

Hi, im amy, im 20 and was diagnosed with borderline around two years ago. I was sexually abused for seven years by my uncle. Things started to get really bad for me at the age of around 17, i began cutting and burning myself to relieve the feelings of intense boredom and abandonment then moved on to drugs and alcohol.

I was previously engaged to an alcoholic (we had been together for a month before we got engaged) i lost intrest because the new exciting feelings left after living together for 16 months. I then began treatment for bpd.

i am now with a lovely kind,strong man who i have known since i was 17. We live together,i know he loves me very much and i love him. We have been together for 8 months now and i am terrified of ruining things.
If he is not with me at all times i feel like crying because i am afraid that he doesn't love me as much as he used to or that he is thinking about leaving me behind. In my rational moments i know he is not going anywhere but in those moments i just cant think rationally.

I dont want to push him away, i really want this to work.

please help

Hey Amy,

Having being abused for 7 years, you would have not had as 'rich' an upbringing as others. Living in such an atmosphere as would exist with abuse, you must surely have felt unloved by those for whom love is generally taken as granted - i.e. your family. This could be related to why you are struggling to feel loved and accepted by your boyfriend. You want too much and more than he is offering. If I'm wrong on this, then let me know, but this is just my opionion. If you look at your relationship logically, then is there any indication that he doesn't love you?

For the future, I believe you must try to become more independent. You cannot always rely on others to make yourself feel loved, for example, and have to become more self-confident and authoritative. When yuor boyfriend is not with you, for example, you should be doing things to develop your own life, and not just focussing on whether or not he loves you.

I hope that what I have said makes sense and is helpful.

Take care,
Kevin

Thanks Kevin

During the abuse my uncle had me convinced that it was all completely normal,that it was happening to every child and that eventually even my own mother would abuse me sexually, he also convinced me that sex is all anyone would ever want from me,that it's all i was good for.
After i told my mother about the abuse and realized that what had been happening was wrong i began to feel isolated and like a freak,trusted no one and assumed everyone in my life had a hidden motive.

In all my relationships i have felt as though all i have to offer is sex,even though i know im intelligent.

My boyfriend is lovely but im not blind to the fact that at times i am a very difficult person to live with and handle. I do not rage,i never have in this relationship, i am on the other hand overly sensitive to perceived threats of abandonment..that simply are not there. He adores me and assures me that he is in it for the long haul.

His only real issue with me is that i am far too clingy and demand far too much time and attention.Which i know i do. I have made him my life focus which i know is wrong and i dont want it to be like that.
So i have enrolled in a beauty college, i attend therapy specially designed for people with borderline and am trying to develop hobbies of my very own.

I am working so hard to attain a level of normality in my life. I want this relationship to work so i am eager to do all i can to improve myself.

When he leaves the room to do something i begin to fear that he is starting the love me less or that he does not find me interesting or attractive.

I am trying though.

amyevelyn wrote:So i have enrolled in a beauty college, i attend therapy specially designed for people with borderline and am trying to develop hobbies of my very own.

How long ago did you start doing these various things? This is exactly what I was referring to, though, when I mentioned developing your own life to become more independent. There's another guy I know who is in a similar position to you, but he just never learns. He seems to think that he will find complete happiness in life by simply getting a girlfriend. This is never the case, and I tell him that she should instead improve his own life first, independently of others (he's unemployed and sits at home all day).

So, continue doing these things and really try to embrace them. As you get more involved in your own life, I think you'll appreciate the relationship you have with your partner more, and also appreciate that life can be a great thing if you get the mix/formula right.

Kevin

Gosh, I know how you feel.

It's easy to say (and even think in the cold light of day) that it's ilogical to feel that way and you know you shouldn't hold too tight and that they love you already, but it's so hard to control the pangs of emotion when they happen and I can definitely empathise with that.

It's such a paradox that you love someone so much, you try and hold on to them tight and it's that holding too tight that actually pushes them away. EEEEK!

It is great that you're trying to do your own thing, I know how hard that is too.
One great peice of advice I received is that whilst you are thinking about one thing, you can't obsess about something else. So I think hobbies are important or if you can just keep yourself busy somehow, so as not to worry about everything he does.

It's good if you have a BF that is understanding.

TC
J