I might be borderline, but I'm definitely something. Help.

Hey I'm a 25 year old male who grew up in a fundamentalist Christian household and left the church 2 years ago. Without getting into direct details about things right now, I seriously think I have some sort of personality disorder.

Ever since I was around 12-13 my relationships waver from extremely good to downright awful... often going from one to the other rather rapidly. My mood seems to follow a similar pattern, though. I can go from extremes of manic episodes, having startling discoveries to periods of depression. Sometimes I'll enter states of confusion where my mind will be racing to find a solution and I just can't do it. I used to regularly have panic attacks.

I find a lot of my friendships either ending abruptly with me cutting them off or them cutting me off completely. I'm terrified of abandonment. I find myself grappling at anything to avoid the feeling of being left alone. And yet I have no qualm about just ignoring someone else or cutting off a relationship with them. My father does the same thing. I often feel quite needy and clingy, and sometimes I spot it coming and react the opposite direction - trying to avoid coming across that way. That invariably makes me feel even *more* needy and then I end up ######6 up whatever relationship it was that

I am so confused. I sometimes get super paranoid and think that people are ignoring me - when they aren't. And then when I react to feeling paranoid, I think I can weird them out and then it makes the relationship even weirder.

I just feel like I'm so unstable. My self image is constantly fluctuating from one extreme to another. I'm either extremely confident or lack all confidence - regardless of the evidence.

I'm so sick of this. I'm so sick of not being able to attain true intimacy without messing things up left and right.

To make me even more confused, people are almost constantly either praising me highly or ridiculing me strongly. Some people will praise me for standing up for what is right and then I'll do something and people will accuse me of arrogance. I don't know how to handle criticism.

Invariably whenever I experience criticism or any form of rejection (especially from girls) I want to either retaliate or get super introverted and depressed.

I can't find any stability and I don't understand why everyone else seems to be so much more together and less full of consistent self-doubt.

I just feel like everything - EVERYTHING - in my life that matters to me ends up being extreme in some way. It's like my mind is hardwired to take everything to extremes and think everything is perfect or falling apart. I think I'm doing fabulous or I think I'm doing awful. I think I deserve the absolute best or I think I don't deserve anything. I think of everything in such black and white that it is crippling - especially as it relates to my self-perception.

I don't know what is wrong with me. Please help. It's beginning to feel somewhat debilitating!

You should talk to a professional about this. We can't diagnose people here obviously. If you want my opinion, from what you describe, you do seem to exhibit traits that are associated with BPD. Find a therapist near you and honestly tell them your fears and concerns. They can help.

Good morning, guitarstrummr.

I am sorry to read about your pain and confusion. en_causa is correct that no one here can give you a diagnosis. So, a good idea would be to do as en_causa suggests: find a T near you and honestly tell them your fears and concerns. I would also bring a print out of your original post here - it is so thorough and succinct, it would probably be really helpful to him/her. And, since BPD isn't fully known by a lot of T's, you might also bring a print out of this after, of course, looking over it yourself:

http://www.webmd.com/mental-health/tc/b ... r-symptoms

Having this flag go up is a really good first step, now it's about putting your health into practice which will take some dedication and commitment.

One aside, and this is just my opinion, though based on experience... When friends cut you off, it's not YOU they are cutting off. It is the behaviors you touch on here from which they are protecting themselves. Those behaviors are more likely than not coping mechanisms that you developed a long time ago. You mention your father having the same tendency to ignore or cut people off, as well. There is a connection here. And those coping mechanisms are now a hindrance to you and your happiness and well-being.

There is a warm, secure, strong, aware, self-assured man inside you. The goal is to bring him out to the light of day.

The type of therapy most discussed for treating BPD is called Dialectical Behavioral Therapy. There is also EMDR, which is used for trauma. If you experienced any abuse in your childhood, in any form - even emotional, EMDR is great. It is not one or the other, you can pursue both. I believe it is also possible to self-administer DBT and EMDR. But highest on your list should be finding a good T.

Good luck to you

I have no real experience to borrow from, but it seems that you are a better person that many. You actually think about these things, which is more that could be said for some. It seems that so many people are so aloof of their impact on others. You need to learn to live a little more outside of your head, which is something I could stand to do as well. I think therapy could be a good option for you. Find a therapist you feel is a good match an open up to that person. It is their job to listen and help.

en_causa_sui wrote:You should talk to a professional about this. We can't diagnose people here obviously. If you want my opinion, from what you describe, you do seem to exhibit traits that are associated with BPD. Find a therapist near you and honestly tell them your fears and concerns. They can help.

I agree. You need help, guitarstrummr. Don't be like me, a walking zombie with BPD for decades before realizing that something was wrong. And it will become seriously wrong, the emptiness will grow, you will continue to isolate yourself until suicidal thoughts run through your mind everyday. For the last decade I have thought about checking out early. And, now, I have nightmares about my condition and how people are going to lock me up for being crazy. And I do feel insane. The definition of which is repeating the same thing over and over again and expecting different results. I acknowledge that's true, but I am unable to change anything because my mind is so f'ed.

I start therapy and meds next week. I can't believe it has taken this long. I welcome it all, I am at the end of my rope.