Is being in denial "abandoning your pain"?

I may have posted about this before. I think I have. But throughout my day I'll be like "is there even anything really wrong with me?" I feel bad. I don't know how to behave to be congruent to myself. I read about/see other people and think.. Wow, there's really nothing wrong with me. But I know there is really. Like, I know there's something wrong with me, but I behave "as I always do" and I look at my behaviour and it looks like there's nothing up.

Do you often feel like a liar?

Before I got really bad, I would work say, 8-10 hour shifts at work, get on with everyone all happy and smiley (somewhat). Get home and cry for hours and hours. Then sleep until the afternoon and do it again. Sometimes it was ridiculous. Like, get out of my workmate's car.. Walk to my door, get in. Start bawling. I feel like a liar.

Sometimes these days I'm just left at times thinking.. What's really up with me? Why aren't I upset constantly? Why am I at times the picture of normalcy in front of others but a complete mess behind closed doors?

It works both ways though. Here's the bit that gets me.

I'll be "normal" and feel like a liar when everything comes crashing down.. Then I'll be really upset.

Then when I'm all "normal" again... The "being upset" part feels like the lie and I feel like I'm just being a pathetic victim.

It's like.. "What was the problem again?"

I reckon, maybe. That part is the part A.J Mahari refers to as "abandoning your pain"... When you're like "Problems? What problems?" - In short, denial. Thoughts?

i resonate with your post tons. yet even in myself, reading it- i can see how fragmented you are, and how it seems you are working thru self identity issues that one way or another will form some base for how you view yourself. (i am prepared to admit i am in the vacintiy of thought. pml- i know who and what i am though).
i can and would wish things for you- yet for all i wish for a decrease in the angst of thought, my wishes are for a total end, but the vast majority of people are all about 'i hope things get better', that some1 or something will suddenly impact and change things: i hate all those thoughts and those notions- yet ashamedly my head poisions my spirit with 'mebe things will change', and such thoughts. Many, many yrs of anectodal experience have shown me that nothing changes for the better- i am just too much of a) a pussy, b)uncertain of who and what i am to fulfill the selfimposed conditions of death.
oh, and i obviously at the least equate the arguement of 'am i really sick', 'is this real', 'am i in a similar state as this individual', 'why can i subsiste, yet not be in some crisis'. you and every other thing knows the saga. if there is some entity out there with a rational base for answers, then i would be intrigued to hear something that can be taken and comfortably and/or confidantly built upon.

I don't feel like a liar as 1. I know there's something wrong with me emotionally/mentally and do not attempt to deny it and 2. I cannot shut down my emotions and ignore my pain, as it sounds like you can at times.

What you wrote sounds very familiar to me though because I lived with an ex who was very much like that. In public he was talkative, happy-go-lucky and sweet, then at home when no one else was around but me he was very moody and withdrawn. He had a history of being abused and grew up in an alcoholic home so I always assumed his ability to shut off negative emotions, and act the part of the happiest person in the world probably came from years of denying painful feelings and pretending nothing was wrong when he was little (this is really common in Adult Children of Alcoholics). Unfortunately, this ability to shut off his feelings makes it very difficult for him to know what he's truly feeling. He's so good at repressing feelings, when he does experience them I think it's extremely confusing for him to sort out what's real and what isn't. So just like you mentioned, he doesn't know which way he feels is the "real" or "normal" him. Is he the happy go lucky "normal" guy he presents himself as at work and in social situations? Or is he the person who feels sad and angry behind closed doors? I don't think he knows, and I do think there is an element of denial involved. If you desperately want to believe you're normal and everything is fine, then you're most likely going to try your best to deny the painful feelings that suggest otherwise.

Does that sound similar to what you go through or am I completely missing the mark?

Cat Eyes wrote:He had a history of being abused and grew up in an alcoholic home so I always assumed his ability to shut off negative emotions, and act the part of the happiest person in the world probably came from years of denying painful feelings and pretending nothing was wrong when he was little (this is really common in Adult Children of Alcoholics). Unfortunately, this ability to shut off his feelings makes it very difficult for him to know what he's truly feeling. He's so good at repressing feelings, when he does experience them I think it's extremely confusing for him to sort out what's real and what isn't.

I get something similar too, though I don't struggle to know what I feel is real and what isn't any more, sometimes I just go blank and can't access my feelings at all. It used to just be like that most of the time. Now I can usually feel stuff but when I've been feeling a lot I get tired and just need time out. Processing too much emotion in one go when you're not used to it can be draining. I'm having one of those days today. Over time it happens less so I have had to learn to try to take it as rest when I'm making progress, instead of failure or a setback. That's hard cause it makes me feel kinda flat and demotivated.

I was sorta like that...
Whenever I had a job, I would eventually be all smiles and jokes while working. I was sociable and friendly, and a great worker. My first job, no one knew that every time I was on my way to work I was bawling hardcore. I felt like I was getting ready to stand in front of the firing squad. I have no idea what the anxiety and fear came from, and then as soon as I was in the building and in front of people, I was "fine." A few co-workers DID find me crying uncontrollably in the break room from time to time though. Eventually I found a razor blade and then it was hellza easy for me to be "fine."

Same thing happened in my other "long-term" job I had. If it weren't for the days I tried to call off work, and then would come in crying hysterically, no one would've known anything was wrong. My boss was very good to me though, and she let me work in the cooler whenever I would come in crying. I was lucky, but I think she also realized that I was a really good employee despite the obvious issues I had. Haha. ... I'm not very good at having secrets though, especially when cuts bleed a bit more than they are supposed to... and bleed through my khaki pants. >.>

Because of those intense differences in how I acted in front of people at work, and then how I was at home/going to work... I was in a lot of stress... I think it was part of the reason that I was deemed disabled and unable to function normally in the working world.

Settdp wrote:Do you often feel like a liar?

Yes. I think it's because I've grown to hide how I'm really feeling very well. Some days, when I'm in group, I think "wow, I'm nothing like these people, they are so much worse than I am" and other times, I think "I really am just like they are." It varies with my mood.