Is there any chance of a successful relationship?

Thanks everyone... so you can have a relationship if you really try?
It's great that there's heaps of people with BPD that are working well on their relationships! you guys are good inspirations to me

Also, I have another question. With the guy I just split up with, we were together for what, just under 5 months, and let's just say most of the time when we had fights it was because of my doings, and I would be the one being jealous, or angry, or moody, or starting a fight... and in the end I something really bad (not cheating!) and it was bad enough for him to lose his trust in me, and that's why we broke up. He has anger management problems but he tries to help them and he was REALLY angry once we broke up, like he was VERY close to hitting me, but the only thing that stopped him was one of my friends mum's was there to stop him... and basically the last time we spoke, he was the angriest he'd ever been, but after he calmed down he said he forgave me and we'd be civil towards each other if we ever saw each other again, but that's it.

It's been 3 weeks, and we haven't said a word to each other. No txts, calls, anything. I miss him soo much, and I miss our friendship and the early parts of our relationship.
He really is a GREAT guy, and we were really close for a long time, and I just feel that i've lost a relationship and my chances with this guy that means so much to me.

I really just want to talk to him, but i'm scared that he still hates me and is angry with me. Also, from a BPDers point of view, (or anyones, I don't mind at all) what should I do?
I KNOW that it's been my mistrust in him and my issues that have caused our relationship to go crap, but I guess this was a MASSIVE realisation and I want to fix things properly with him. Even as just friends.
What should I do?


Sorry if this seems off the topic, but it's one of the reasons why I posted this topic...and i'm really stuck.

Hi lydie,

Non here - responding because you wrote that anyone could

I don't care what you did, abuse - physical or emotional - is totally unacceptable. I cannot think of anything you possibly did that could permit your ex to hit you. Period. I am so glad someone was there to stop it in that moment. I just caution you to understand behavior like that is on a continuum, doesn't stop on a dime, cannot be regulated by your own behavior, and can only be expunged through committed, long term therapy.

Sorry to digress, but I don't buy the theater of "anger management." Anger is often justified, though if it isn't purged it will reside just below the skin. So anything can trigger it and in totally irrational ways. You cannot manage a demon. You can only exorcise it. Your ex has a lot of work to do to rout out whatever it is he's angry about. And it goes back way farther than the day you and he first met.

Since you have BPD, you are susceptible to unhealthy people. I'm not saying you attract unhealthy people - only that, because of your own struggle you might not see clearly who is on the other side of your relationship. Nons come in all shades. Some of us are just nice people with PTSD or codependence, others have their own PDs, some are just downright nasty. And, frankly, the "dance" doesn't exactly bring out the best in either party.

There is a good chance that both people in the relationship - the person with BPD and the Non - have histories as victims of abuse. And everyone carries that legacy in different ways. Often the weight of that legacy is anger. I hope I'm making sense. Part of healing is gaining the clarity to see the difference between actual and perceived slights, right? If you're in the fog, it's indiscernible. So there are times you push people away for the perceived slights yet on the other side of the coin you engage with people in spite of actual slights. Bad ones, like abuse. Make sense?

You have identified your weak spots and are clear on what you need to work on within you. This is your project. To work on you. And a big part of that endeavor is learning emotional independence. And a big part of that is learning what you will and will not accept into your circle of trust. Someone who engages you in the cycle of abuse does not get that invitation. I'm sorry.

I'm giving you the same advice I'd give a Non. Do not make contact with him. Consider this experience a catalyst to further recovery for you. You are already doing so well - identifying your own foibles. That is such a huge accomplishment. Actually, it's cause for celebration considering how few people on this planet are capable of doing that. But don't stop there. Don't get caged by fault. First, because reengaging with him while you are in guilt mode only sustains the cycle of abuse (it was, after all, your fault for triggering his abuse *hurl* /sarcasm). Second, because it is only one step in the healing process and if you don't go beyond it, you'll never learn. We learn from our mistakes.

Now it's time to take your realization and turn it into your next phase of recovery which will ultimately lead to emotional strength and clarity. Freedom.

Considering the heat of this relationship, I don't think contact is a wise idea. Even as just friends. If this experience is meant to be a catalyst for you, it's definitely meant to be a catalyst for him. If he has the same fortitude and self awareness as you, he will be inspired to make himself right. This is something only he can decide, you have zero influence here. And shouldn't because that would require emotional dependence. That's so not where you want to go!

Turn to you, work on you; not for him but for you and your future, healthier relationships. If you and he cross paths along the way, and you're both on the same page, then see about a friendship. With caution. You can care for him and love him and support him from a distance. In cases like this, staying out of range of each other is the best gift you can give each other.

Sorry, this is long. I hope it helps. Cheers, girl.

I read the article and did not like what it had to say. It makes borderline women seem intentionally manipulative, and in which case, I do not feel that I am intentionally manipulative. I do see the pattern that they described, within myself, and I have not had one successful relationship, thus far, due to the fact that my moods are too intense for the other people to handle, and eventually I end up leaving them. I am in my second marriage right now. We moved in together 3 months after we met, and got married three months after we moved in together. Our relationship got really volatile about 5 months into it. I hope I am not making any triggers here, btw. Anyway about a month and a half ago, our relationship got to the point where I felt unsafe, and I had to leave. (My husband is bipolar and has intermittent rage disorder) Now he wants to work things out, and I wanted to, but now I feel as if maybe this is not a good thing to do. Anyway, I do not know if borderlines can have a successful relationship. I know that THIS *points to herself* one has not yet.

I don't think the article makes people with BPD sound like they are intentionally manipulative e.g. machiavelian about things, I think its just written in a way most people with BPD would find insulting.

Perhaps the question isn't with who (whether that is your husband or someone else,) but when and how.

I think this article is completely idiotic..

While I understand I dont respond favorably or healthy every time there is a problem..I dont believe BPDs are as callous as this so called "psychologist" claims them to be.


Relationships are possible but it takes a special kind of person to have the patience to deal with BPD. And you yourself can improve from BPD.. Yah when I was first dating Douchbag, I was in a bad situation and it would appear as if he rescued me.. I was living with a dad with a nasty Xanax addiction who drove into the foundation of our house. It just wasnt safe..

And I had a good four or five months with douchebag..We were great. It was when he started to emotionally cheat on me with his exes and discuss sexual things and our relationship that I got upset..

Also the fact that I could not get him to get a job. I was tired of being his mother.

And I would talk to him and use the Dear Man principal and he would tell me how childish I was being, laugh in my face, and mock me and kept picking at me when I said I need to be left alone to process my thoughts before I could talk to him.. and he wondered why I exploded..Hello?! iM EMOTIONAL BY NATURE and youre not helping!

Sometimes chica...as much as people think they are versed in BPD ways, it just isnt our fault..Its lack of experience in picking someone who genuinely respects us.. Douchebag and I kept dancing around the big elephant that was in the room called.. his aspergers..and it was no wonder he was like that..He is incapable of feeling other's emotions but I got to the point that I fully took on my elephant that was BPD...I had to let him go because he wouldnt address his.

So dont beat yourself up..IF you want to self reflect, thats great but evaluate yourself outside of a romantic relationship. This trip to Tenn has shown what growth I have had since my BPD diagnosis last year..I interact wonderfully with my "parents" and I am capable of feeling calm..If your actions and emotions are different than your actions and emotions within an intimate relationship, I tend to think its more than what you have to bring to the table..

Just because we have BPD, doesnt mean we have no right to stick up for ourselves..

remember that..

someone who really respects you will put in as much as effort as you do in the relationship and will have the patience to understand its not you, its BPD talking

livelaughlovelylady wrote:I read the article and did not like what it had to say. It makes borderline women seem intentionally manipulative, and in which case, I do not feel that I am intentionally manipulative.

you would say that! haha

im just joking, yep i know what you mean about the tone of it, do you think the women that were accused of being witches just had BPD.......

O
x

When someone you know, you just recently found out MIGHT have BPD, how do you suggest they get help? I feel badly. I have known someone quite some time and could never put my finger on what might be the cause of the hot and cold treatments I receive. After listening to his history of childhood abuse and neglect, and noticing his patterns with relationships and gambling problems, frequent moving and changing jobs, and other nuances to things I have read about BPD, now I feel bad because I walked out on him before I knew what was going on. Now I do not know what to do...wait for him to try to contact me again, or send him an article? He was really nasty to me the last time we spoke. He thought I was attacking him when I asked him about his distance and moodiness, but he had not had much sleep and had just been on a five hour gambling spree. Any advice on how to proceed? I walked out and said I needed to put ME first. Now I know that walking out is what people with BPD fear most. Sad.

I know this thread is from a long time ago, but I just wanted to add. This is my first post ever on this forum, though I have been a member for years, so bear with me...

I firmly believe the answer to your question is yes. A long-term relationship is possible for a borderline. However, there are some things that I have found are musts for this to be possible. I have been diagnosed with a great number of things, BPD and Bipolar-II are among those. One of the biggest turning points for me was DBT therapy. I was in DBT for a year. I've been in and out of therapy since I was a kid, but after my BPD diagnosis, my therapist recommended DBT and that has made a huge difference. All those things that I would get angry about, and react by cutting my SO out of my life for periods of time, I am now able (as long as I work at it) to see from their perspective. And even though my feelings of distrust or anger don't immediately dissipate, being able to see from their perspective, and most importantly, being able to talk to them about how I am feeling, and what is going on for me, as well as laying out what could help, with the understanding that they can say no if they feel it is too much to ask, changes everything.

Another huge thing for me, is not drinking alcohol. I have very little control of the darkest parts of myself when I am drunk, and I am not able to drink without reaching the point of intoxication. Giving up alcohol is like giving up the one great love of my life. The one thing that has been there for me through times when everyone and everything else seemed to give up on me. But if I want to be in a relationship that has hope of success, I cannot drink around my SO and I cannot drink around others (all decision making skills immediately fly out the window). Thus, I cannot drink, if I hope to be in a long-term relationship.

A huge thing that has helped me as well, is not moving forward in the relationship, i.e. no sex, no dating, no moving in, no talk of future, no talk of being in love... Until that first phase has passed. The phase where everything about the other person is magic and they can do no wrong.... Often, in previous relationships, I found that the person that I was in a relationship was not the person that I had built in my head. We weren't compatible, we couldn't talk about things, and they were a disappointment. All of my previous relationships looked like that article because I didn't take the time to actually know someone before they or I brought things into the realm of dating. I know it's difficult to put on the breaks in that initial stage, because it's literally relational mania (trust me, I know, having experienced mania in all of its glorious forms). It's magic. It's multiple weeks, even months, of walking on clouds. But the only way a long term relationship can work for someone like me, with BPD, is if I'm with someone that I can actually respect. If you don't respect the person you are with, you will want to walk all over them. And if that's the case, then it's a lose-lose. If they let you, you'll respect them even less, and if they don't, you'll feel hurt, and probably leave.

Probably the biggest thing, is being with a person who you can talk to. Who you can trust. Who you can actually BE yourself with. All the things you hate about yourself, all the things you are embarrassed of, all the things that you worry if you told someone, they would certainly leave you, because loving you would be impossible. A person who continues to help you grow, but doesn't do so condescendingly, and doesn't push you to the point of breaking. The person you are with has to be a certain type of person... Understanding, self-aware, not co-dependent, able to separate themselves from your emotional storm, and be there for you, in spite of your efforts to push. They also need to have the patience of a saint at times, and the knowledge that occasionally, you will need space. Most importantly, the person you are with needs to be someone that you can ask things of. This was a huge step in my growth, being able to ask the person I am with for things that I need. SO MUCH of the things that we borderlines do, that are 'manipulative', are simply us trying to get our needs met. Something happens and we write story in our head, paint the person we are with black, and because we don't know how to ask for what we need, or let our SO know why we are hurting, we lash out in the only ways we know how. This is still like pulling teeth for me. It is SO difficult for me to ask for things, even simple things, because I don't want to be seen as needy, or controlling, or manipulative. But if you are with a person who understands and loves you, who is in it for the long haul, who you have spent significant time getting to know, they will want to make life easier for you. For your sake, and the sake of your relationship. The more you talk about things, without fear of reprisal, the easier it will get. And the greater chance you have of your relationship working long term. You also need to be with a person that you are proud of. A person that you can't wait to have meet your friends. A person who you respect. A person that when you stack other people against them, even in the midst of that initial high you get when you meet new people sometimes, always comes out the winner. Because of who we are, people will be attracted to us at times. If we don't have someone that we come home to at the end of the day that we can't wait to see, the relationship will fall apart.

DBT has been the biggest turning point in my life relational-ly. That, in combination with meeting a person, who after over a year, I believe I could be with forever, has changed my rather dim view of the possibility of BPD relationships. There are going to be times that I think I want out. There are going to be times that I push, and rant, and rave. But the main thing to understand, is that this is mine to lose. Just like all of my relationships, I am the one who can make choices that will make this relationship work long term, or allow it to fall apart or break because my brain is disordered. I still live in terror at times, that out-of-control me will return and take the wheel, but the longer I am in this, the more hope I have. I also worry, that when life inevitably brings a point of time where we cannot spend as much time with one another, things will spin out of control, or the stories that I write in my head will take over. My main things to remember are that I can cross those bridges when I come to them, if I come to them, and that finding myself in a relationship with someone who fits me like a glove, and vice versa, is not a common occurrence. It is something worth fighting for. Fighting my demons, the voices in my head, my out-of-control emotions. And if you find the right person, who is willing to fight with you, not against you, even when you sometimes forget what it is you're fighting and turn on them, there is an unlimited chance of a successful relationship.

Hi mythrill13 - that was a very insightful and informative post - you have certainly given this a lot of thought and you are so right!

I am in a great relationship and I was diagnosed with BPD when and I was 17 and I am now 43. I only recently found out about the diagnosis last spring, but of course I had to deal with the usual fallout from my relationships over the years.

I have been with my fiance for 4.5 years and he is the calm, stable and super patient man that I need to be happy with. If I get agitated at all, he will find a way to agree with what I am saying and calm me right down. My fiance needs me as much as I need him and we are each other's favourite people, so I do not end up feeling abandoned. We have to have a lot of communication to avoid triggering me, like when his family wanted him to visit for a whole week and I couldn't go because my BPD daughter couldn't be left alone, he ended up staying home. We really do not like being apart from each other for very long.

I also do not drink alcohol anymore and it is true that it really helps with the impulsiveness and bad choices we make when in our favourite oblivion.

I never had DBT training or any helpful treatment, but I read a ton of self-help books over the past 25 years about co-dependency, love addiction, recovering from your childhood, how to have a healthy relationship, parenting books, self esteem etc. to get over my demons.

I also got on Cymbalta two years ago and that makes the emotions less intense and more manageable usually.

I have been with my girlfriend for 2 years. We have had some insane moments and fights that nearly killed us and our relationship but we keep going. I think someone with BPD can learn to trust with LOTS and LOTS of time and understanding but at the same time you have to see them as strong and not weak. It certainly makes things much more difficult. Me and my GF are still very unstable but we always find our way back to each other within a day or two.