New, going through separation, and no idea what to do

Hi all,

After four years of a stormy marriage and one child together (I have one from a previous marriage), my husband told me he was tired of my actions and wanted a separation. He told me this six weeks ago. In the interim, we have gone to one horrible marital counseling session, I started therapy on my own, and my therapist has gently suggested a possible dx of bipolar II and BPD. I see a psychiatrist in June for official dx and meds.

I'd make a long story short, but It's all here on the blog I started:

http://tamingthestorm.wordpress.com

I admit I have treated him like my personal punching bag. I am owning up to my demons, and I am actively seeking help. He knows what's going on. He says if I had cancer or something physical, he could deal with it, but not mental illness. I'm not sure if I accept his rationalization, but who am I to judge?

I have a history of bulimia, depression, impulsive suicidal ideation -- hospitalized once after I cut my wrist with a steak knife. Mostly I am grumpy and angry. Now that I know what is going on, I am researching and working hard to change my behaviors. Mostly for my kids, but for me, so I can have a happier life.

Husband is still in the house, and he says he has been my victim. Okay, I own up to it. I have apologized. He has hasked for a separation, but he has not left. As a result of all the marital stress and a few emotional therapy sessions, I have had some bad days. We end up fighting. He gets angry and yells, swears, treats me about as well as I treated him, I suppose. This is not healthy for us or the kids who have witnessed it.

Last Friday I just wanted to get away from him, so I locked myself in the bedroom. He came in and began to interrogate me (he's a cop/detective). I was crying, thinking over all the things I discussed in therapy that day, and he just seemed like he wanted to yeall at me and make me feel bad for everything I ever did to him. I got very worked up. I took two Ambien to calm down and to crash -- I thought if I fell asleep he would leave me alone. He called his parents and told them I was self-harming, etc, and insisted that I must have taken more than two Ambien. I hadn't, just enough to sleep for a few hours and maybe feel better once I woke up.

The next day he yelled at me again, in front of the kids.

I'm thinking of packing it up and heading to my parents' house with the kids, but they don't really have a lot of extra room. Husband has promised me that he will move out today, but I don't really believe him. I'm stressed out. and my therapist is on a three-week vacation. I am not on meds yet, so my moods are all over the place.

First off:
God Bless You Child.

You are quite the fighter, and I admire you for owning your behavior. Bravo!!!!!

You need to take care of you (and the children).

He may take advantage, and see you as weaker and try and beat you down further. Don't allow this to happen.
You have owned up to your behavior and your half of the marriage, for him to bring it up in front of your children:
is manipulative and undermining your parenting status.

You could try and make everything work, but if he is predjudice against mental illness, he does not deserve you anyway.
You are now self aware, keep in therapy. Never lie and always have a open mind when you go. If you feel he is abusing you,
there is nothing wrong with getting some space, just make sure that it is safe and not toxic.

Blessings,
Red

My exact diagnosis is Borderline Personality Disorder with Bipolar I and Anxiety Traits... as written on my forms at my shrink's office.

I know that right now you're feeling guilty, remorseful... and generally crazy. It always feel that way when you first start trying to... fix, for lack of a better word... yourself. You need to remember that just because you have a diagnosis does not make you an Ophelia that needs to be locked up in a Victorian asylum. You're still a person, you just have a little more baggage now, and that happens.

DO NOT let your husband treat you like anything less than his equal. He's probably hurt. We BPDers (and the Bipolar doesn't help...) have this tendency to treat people like, as you said, "punching bags" but that doesn't really give them the right to victimize us back. If he's treating you badly in front of YOUR CHILDREN you need to leave. There is line, with kids, that can turn parents into monsters. If he continues to yell at you in front of your kids ONE OF YOU will become a monster to the kids. Either you for... your instability... or your husband for screaming at you. Neither is beneficial to your kids.

You need to explain to your husband that you're aware that you've messed up and you're sorry but that you can't change the past. I also recommend that if he's not already out of your house, you leave. Go to a hotel, go anywhere until you can get him to leave or find another place. Having you two in the same living space is counter productive.

Focus on getting you healthy, and keeping the kids informed and as calm as you can. Things like this can really take a toll on them, and... as a child of a complicated divorce and all I can tell you that you need to tell them, straight up, what's going on. If they're too young to understand that you have a mental illness you need to tell them something along the lines of you're sick and you were mean to you husband at one time and he's still mad about it... but be sure you tell them that you're working on fixing it and that it's nothing they did. Kids always think they did something. Hell teenagers do too... we all feel responsible.

If you wanna talk I'm always around. I've never been married, but I've gone through everything else... from kid to abuser to abusee...

I'm glad you're getting help... Don't panic. It'll all work out.