Isolating

I have this dinner party thing I do once a week.
Me and my MMJ friends get together and rock the wonders MMJ offers, and eat.
It's a spin off of something I used to do with other friends, but that involved getting trashed and eating instead.

Anyway... I don't want to do it anymore.
I don't want them in my house.
I want to kick out my best friend and my boyfriend.
I know I shouldn't, because it's my subconscious trying to isolate myself more than I am because somewhere there's logic in:
"If I lose them all I can start fresh again."

It's not a great idea, though, since I wouldn't start fresh.
As much as I want to kick them all out, liquidate the house and drive off into the sunset to start over somewhere...
I wouldn't talk to anyone, end up a lonely mass of sadness and attempt suicide again...
And possibly succeed! Which is bad.

I don't know why I'm doing this.
I mean... I'm lonely as it is.
I've stopped my daily dose of THC... because it got to the point I needed it to function, but I was up to so much I was having memory lapses and crashing like an addict...
I'm sure my bf will call it withdrawl and write it off, but I can't.

I take my pills, but they're helping less and less the more I take them.
Adjustment to them, I guess... but...
I don't know... I wish I knew what to do to make myself happy.
I'mnever happy.
The only thing that sounds like something that would make me happy is leaving...
Leaving it all and taking the pets across country to start over...
But I know that would just depress me more... So what am I to do?

From the ages of 9 through 13 or so, I always kept a bag packed under my bed in case of spontaneous running-away. I have a tendency to wipe out and delete email accounts, Facebook accounts. Etcetera. Starting fresh is just too appealing.

But when you're 'stuck' for a while you have to just keep at it until you can work toward something new to do. You're getting a psychology degree soon right?

SmileXx wrote:I take my pills, but they're helping less and less the more I take them.
Adjustment to them, I guess... but...

Damn that sucks I'm really sorry-- that used to happen to my ex all the time. Every time a med worked, she'd get used to it and the effects would diminish.

Have you tried games-- words searches, crossword puzzles, etc-- these actually seemed to help. You and your bf should try something like that, it may get your mind off of your current state, which I think would help you a lot.

Sorry to hear what you're going through.

mc693 wrote:

SmileXx wrote:I take my pills, but they're helping less and less the more I take them.
Adjustment to them, I guess... but...

Damn that sucks I'm really sorry-- that used to happen to my ex all the time. Every time a med worked, she'd get used to it and the effects would diminish.

They're just vitamins, really.
I'm not allowed to take real medication anymore.
I monkey around with it too much.
If I feel good, I don't take them.
I take double if I feel bad and haven't been taking them.
I caused some liver damage so the doctors won't give me real meds anymore.... which I agree with.
I hate meds.

Pairou wrote:But when you're 'stuck' for a while you have to just keep at it until you can work toward something new to do. You're getting a psychology degree soon right?

Associate Degree in Interactive Website Design, actually.
I dropped the Psychology degree because I don't like mathematics classes and I need all the math classes to complete the degree. Maybe I'll go backa nd finish it later. I don't know.

I keep trying to figure out what would make me happy...
And I think I have some things... and I think I want to make a thread about it.
::AWAY!!!::

New thread is a go? : D -hopeful-

Smile-- how many meds have you gone through? Also, have you ever been really routine with them? Just wondering because my ex was VERY good with her meds-- never missed them and took the right amount every time. Hasn't found the right one though...

Effexor
Lamictal
Trileptal
Rispedal
Xanax
Trazodone
Seroquel
Some others I can't recall the names of.

None were regular, as I cannot take them regularly... I refuse, really.
They make me numb and I hate them.

Hi SmileXx

I'm sorry to hear that you're so unhappy.

I don't now what the answer is, but what I suspect is that if you feel unhappy now and you finish your boyfriend, cut ties with your friends, move away, etc... this won't make you any happier; I doubt it will make you any UNhappier either, but I think you will stay the same. Therefore, why change what you can't fix?

Perhaps it's just a stage you're going through.....

Maybe you should take a step back from the weekly dinner party for a while; if your friends want to continue in another house, then that's up to them. Then you have the CHOICE whether to attend or not... maybe you might want to give it a miss for a few weeks/months, but you can always attend one here and there if you feel up to it.

Is the dinner party always held at YOUR home? If it is, then that's pressure in itself that you can certainly do without whilst you're feeling as you do.

Instead of breaking up with your bf and moving away..... try taking a break from your friends first and see if you feel better and less stressed. We all feel like we want to shut ourselves away at times, but it passes and you really need your bf to help you through it.

One step at a time.... !!

Best wishes - Joanne x

It's always at my place. The other couple we associate with that night lives in a shoebox of an apartment and it's just more comfortable at my place. The two new recruits to it... one lives with me and the other with his parents...

I don't mind it being at my home. I mind the fact that I hate people.

The six of us are my social circle.
I don't talk or see anyone else, unless it's my bf's friend that comes over once and never really comes back.
I only see three of them once a week... it's not like I'm bogged down by my friendships.
My live-in BFF keeps to herself, mostly.
She comes up from the basement to watch movies and eat with us, but gives us our time.

The problem isn't really stress or the people or anything...
It's me.
I'm just... sad.

It's better to see them than to go back to living inside my head, though.
I really dislike coming out of autopilot to find that my world is messed up.

Thank you for the concern.

Hi SmileXx

I'm unsure of your background.

do you have BPD?

I also feel the same as you about people... I have NO friends, no REAL friends anyway. No friends that I have a night out with or even invite to my home. I used to be the life and soul of any party, but now I hate parties, hate socialising, hate pubs, hate anything but my own company................ and I don't even have BPD.

I have been diagnosed with depression (16 years ago) and been told that I will be on anti-depressants for the rest of my life.. so I function, but only just. Especially as I have the added stress of my daughter being BPD and the problems that come along with that. My depression has become worse over the last year and I have had thoughts of suicide many times over the last few years. I drink too much - self medicating, I suppose.... and I prefer to spend time on my own.

I often wonder if I'm to blame for my daughter's problems..... due to my depression, my lonely life-style, my sadness, etc.... but I can honestly say that my daughter was MY WORLD when she was born and continued to be throughout her young years. I noticed myself that there was something amiss when she was around 5 years old; what - I don't know, but I just knew something wasn't quite right.........she was being bullied at school, she had monotonic speech, she had a peculiar gait and was disruptive and constantly seeking attention at school and at home. My daughter was like marmite - people either loved her, or hated her!

The pattern continued throughout her secondary education - she started cutting at age 11 and was sexually abused in an under 16's night club at the age of 12. I found out 5 months later!

Then began the alcohol and drug abuse, the promiscuous sex and even prostitution to fund her drug, alcohol and cigarettes... she failed miserably at school, even though she was a top grade student.... went on to be thrown off two college courses.......and here we are today.

But, I digress........ I am waffling!!

What I started out saying... lol ... is that you don't have to suffer from BPD to be SAD and hate people! Perhaps it's not anything to do with BPD at all.............I dont have BPD, but I DO hate people! lol OR.................... maybe I DO have BPD?????