Can 2 people with bpd tendancies maintain a relationship

I had a previous diagnosis of bpd in my teens and early 20's, after years of counseling I have as of the past 3 years been told I am mentally healthy. I'm just not sure if I agree, I still get all the feelings and have trouble maintaining control of my emotions but as if I have two seperate personalities I know how I am supposed to react, so sadly I have feelings that are out of control but maintain a persona of full control, mostly by acting cool and distant, as if nothing ever bothers me.

As for why I made my way to this board, 5 months ago I met the man of my dreams, he is amazing and the only person in my life that ever "got" me which has allowed me to open up and be honest with him about all of my feelings, doubts and insecurities (without any mention of my former bpd diagnosis)

He has also opened up to me about his feelings both the good and the bad, he also made the statement about how good it feels to have someone that seems to understand him so well. He has told me he has anxiety and depression and is on an antidepressant, but I see all signs of bpd in him and they seem stronger than mine. The hardest for me to deal with are when he hurts himself or brings up his suicidal thoughts. I've learned the best way to deal with him when he gets like this is to let him know I understand, make a tactful joke about it and then reaffirm my love for him. (exactly what I wanted in the past when I would have these feelings.)

We have both seen the loving sides of each other, the anxious and the extreme moodiness but have stated that we accept all of it from each other. In almost a sickening way we constantly reaffirm our love to each other, it does settle alot of my fears about our relationship but still get an overwhelming fear when he gets distant. He also lets me know how nervous I make him when I'm in one of my distant moods. We see each other 2 - 4 times a week and talk every day, we both have realized that to keep from hurting each other we need to keep the communication up even when one of us does not want to, however the one that is in the withdrawing mood states the mood they are in reaffirms the love and the call is cut short.

Is there any chance we can make this work for the long haul? Are we doing this as healthily as possible? We have talked about the possibility of marriage but want to wait to make sure that we can make things work between us. Any insight would be extremely appreciated.

Heya,

I think that you have the wrong outlook on this. I mean, that 'clean bill of health' that you got wasn't to imply that your life will suddenly be great from now on. it probably just means that the doctor feels you have the right state of mind to go 'on your own' for the rest of your life. By 'on your own', I mean without getting professional help. Memories dont' fade easily, however, and it's only natural that your old BPD pains/memories will return. You might be 80 years old and you'll still remember them. What's different now, however, is that you know how to deal with them when they resurface and then move on.

As to whether the relationship will work is anyone's guess. However, you must certainly NOT disregard the relationship before it has even started. Try to move on from the BPD and move into your new life away from it. THe worst of BPD is in your past. I wouldn't advise bringing it up too often when you talk to your partner either. It is firmly in the past, and you must remember that.

Kevin

A, I didn't read this... don't have the attention span for that much text.

B, YES. Yes you can.
My boyfriend is an exBPDer... meaning he's not all weird, insecure and moody anymore.
He's still scared of abandonment, sure. He still struggles with life and empty feelings and things, but he's under control.
He's trying to get me to be where he is... better...
It's not working to fix me, but he understands, so we work.

You can do this. I'm sure of it.

SmileXx wrote:My boyfriend is an exBPDer... meaning he's not all weird, insecure and moody anymore.
He's still scared of abandonment, sure. He still struggles with life and empty feelings and things, but he's under control.
He's trying to get me to be where he is... better...
It's not working to fix me, but he understands, so we work.

I thought your bf is a narcissist? That's the impression I got from some of your previous posts that I commented on.

He's a cocky bastard, sure, but not really a narcissist.
He projects the narc persona to cover up his BPD-like traits...
Which is one way to cure yourself, I suppose.

^_^

He's a good guy, but I'm continuously learning new things about him.
Quirky, as he is.

SmileXx wrote:He's a cocky bastard, sure, but not really a narcissist.
He projects the narc persona to cover up his BPD-like traits...
Which is one way to cure yourself, I suppose.

^_^

He's a good guy, but I'm continuously learning new things about him.
Quirky, as he is.

Narcs feel empty on the inside too. How do you differentiate?

Honestly, he's just a straight Narc.
He's only insecure when his world is shattered by something that informs he he's not all that.

We recently broke up.
It was a mutual thing and no one is particularly crashing from it...
But... in retrospect I'll never date another Narc...

And I hold firm that broken people shouldn't date broken people...
I am broken... not all BPDers are, but I am... and no more broken people either for me...
I need some sanity in my life.

I'm sorry to hear about your break-up, but I agree about relationships between two broken people. The problem is finding a happy medium between people like us and healthy people with a rescue complex. I haven't lost hope that I'll find it, but it's a major challenge.

I submit that people with a RESCUE COMPLEX are not, at all, healthy.
For real, I hate people that think they need to SAVE me.
I don't need to be saved. I don't need you to necessarily understand every ioda of what's going on with me.

I just need someone who will go "she's having an episode" and react accordingly to which episode it is.
If I'm crying and apologizing a lot, hold me and say it's okay.
If I'm angry and screaming, scream back (or I won't listen).
If I'm just manic and runnign around trying to do 800 different things... let me do them and stay out of my way.
If I'm having a panic attack, ask what's making me panic and, if you can, help me with it... or be ready for crying and apologizing.

I have the exact same episodes. All the time.
They will always happen. It's okay. I'm okay.
Just... treat me like I'm human, for God's sake.

I submit that people with a RESCUE COMPLEX are not, at all, healthy.

Hmmm. I agree too. I find it cute though, but gets a little too much after sometime. I have an ex-BPD gf of mine who tries to come into my life again and again, in the hope of rescuing the "soft heart" within me. I couldn't tell her about the P word (I am a psychopath) since I know she can't keep anything with herself and in a few days the whole damn city will know who I am. So as of now, I have manipulated the situation to keep her far away from me.

I just need someone who will go "she's having an episode" and react accordingly to which episode it is.
If I'm crying and apologizing a lot, hold me and say it's okay.
If I'm angry and screaming, scream back (or I won't listen).
If I'm just manic and runnign around trying to do 800 different things... let me do them and stay out of my way.
If I'm having a panic attack, ask what's making me panic and, if you can, help me with it... or be ready for crying and apologizing.

Ok, so in the meanwhile, I am dating a girl online who is not text book BPD and hasn't been diagnosed at all, but has some symptoms. So, I am kind of doing what SmileXx prescribes above. I guess, it logically fits in with what I understand of her.

So she sent me a small mail today, which says -

"Just wanted to thank you for always being there and trying to make me feel good in whichever little way you can. These things really matter to me."

Ok so now, I need to send a reply as a courtesy tomorrow. So ladies with BPD, what one-liner should I write so as not to trigger anything bad in her? You see, as a psychopath, I really don't care or know much about this and find it a bit too sentimental for my taste. But I want to have this relationship working and so asking.

And, she also mentioned that she sometimes can't differentiate between her fantasies and real life. They get mixed up. This is a chat we had:

she: do u thnk fantasing bout thngs which has never taken place is positive or negative?
me: can be both. u have to give me a specific example
she: say smtmes i do thnk bout an event which has never taken place......maybe smethng bout wrk......but dis event is quite closely related to smethng which has taken place in d past or can take place in future or may be not.....den wat?

Now how do I handle such incidents without triggering her? Typically, I would ignore it, but I want to treat her better. What should I do when this happens?