Borderline personality disorder help!!

Hey everyone im 25 years old, i have a partner and 2 young girls. i just found out my partner has been cheating on me, surprise surprise... anyway more to the point, i lost control of everything started cutting myself and talking about running away killing myself. anyways to cut a long story short, i went to see someone as i really wanted to give up on life, but also know how it feels when your parent tries to kill themselves. so i went to get help only to find out that 1. i have a borderline personality disorder 2. i need to go and see someone about the sexual assault. 3. i need to go to group and individual session in some program.
now that sounds all fine and great. i guess i just feel like im just being pushed around from place to place, like i want to talk about everything all over again. and try and get someone else to try understand. the person im seeing i really like her but i only have 18 session at half price, then its 160 per session. and unless i get health insurance or im always trying to kill myself. im left with nothing. i don't have the money to pay her for however long its going to take. and i really don't have money for health insurance to do this program.... i push everyone away. im now stuck looking at myself and all the things i do, and have done in my life but i feel powerless to change it, as i don't know how. i so feel like i went to this person for some help. but only to find out that she can't help me. or its going to take a long time for her to help me and i have to pay. i have no idea why i bother i guess i really just want to rid myself of everyone. im a bad person and i really don't want to put my family through anymore than they have already been through. i find peoples weakness and i used it against them all the time. i go numb when i have my little outbursts i don't really know when or why i do it.. and i get told i like to do it and thats not the case its more like i have no control over it. someone please help i want to help myself but i will not take food out of my kids mouth to do it... even tho i know that my behavior rubs off on my kids.... most of the time ok but when im not i will find what cuts the person deep and look them straight in the eyes and say it with no remorse regardless of if i mean it or not
thanks Amy

First of all you are not a bad person, you are not an evil person. You are an ill person that needs help. And the fact that you are reaching out for help is a great first step! Remember your baby's NEED you!! Always keep them in focus in looking at your goals. They deserve a happy healthy parent!

Have you checked into counseling services that have sliding fee scales? I am seeing a therapist that has no fees because my income is so small. But she offers sliding fee scales as well as taking government assistance if you qualify. You can maybe try to apply for medicare or medicade, most mental health professoinals take them now. And most have sliding fee scales. My point is.. THERE IS HELP OUT THERE! You have to WANT it enough to dig for it.

I don't know about your state, but in my state there is a place called the helpline center. You can call them on any information you may want to find. For my state the number is 211 just dialed from my phone! I called them on assistance in finding an S-Anon group As well as my therapist with small fees. Just ask around you can reach out for help and you will be surprised at how many things are out there ready to grab your hand and help!!

My best thoughts and prayers.

hey im seeing someone at the moment..but the problem is i only have 18 sessions with her and she doesn't want me to be left stranded after those 18 session she has only just told me i have it and of course has gone away on a holiday good for her...but now im left with the omg i need help and i don't know where to go she said they have some dpt thing that would be helpful but its going to cost alot of money then i have my dad who wants me to do some anger course but he doesn't get it at all its not just about the anger yes thats apart of it but its more then just that