BPD and Breaking Up

Hi all,

I'm brand new to the forum, but I'm in a place right now where I really could use the advice of those who might be able to better understand where I'm coming from than my friends.

Less than a month ago, my boyfriend came home from the bar at 8:30am, a half hour before I had to go to work. He had been doing this a lot lately, making several different excuses and always half-heartedly apologizing. We got in a fight where he made a few statements that really set me off, things were broken (by me), and he got angry and threw the coffee table across the room at me on my way out to work. When I got back home, he had packed all of his clothing and other things, and was gone. I called him, he was out to lunch with friends and clearly not concerned about what was going on, and that set me off again.

Since I started with DBT, I have been making an effort to remain mindful when things set me off; but it it is a slow progress. Ex didn't really make much of an effort to understand why his bad behavior triggered such a dramatic reaction from me, and even if he had, was not really a considerate enough person to try to help anyway. Where many women might have just become aggravated with him and eventually left, I of course felt a desperate need to cling onto our unhealthy relationship until he just got fed up and left. Despite the fact that he treated me horribly (lying, cheating, saying he was on his way home and then showing up 5 hours later drunk and on drugs), I didn't want to be without him for the usual reasons: loneliness, nostalgia for the good times when he made me feel like the most beautiful and talented and wonderful person in the world, the hope that he'd be a prince again once he sobered up and, of course, downright desperation. I've gotten to the point where I no longer snap cell phones in half or throw chairs through the wall, and have managed to stop myself when sharp things get involved. I've been taking antidepressants and anxiety medication too, but am wondering if I might benefit from an anti psychotic medication as well.

Now if I had my wits about me I'd be able to look at this whole situation and see that his behavior triggered the worst episodes I've had since my teenage years. And that clearly it was a toxic match. Yet I'm finding myself obsessing over him still, a mixture of hatred and deep hurt that makes it hard for me to not seek him out. He was a horrible trigger in my life, an unfaithful alcoholic, whose mixed signals about our future even after he left me had me hoping we could still somehow work it out. But he caused me to lapse into some of the most self-destructive and maniacal behavior I've ever known. After one fight, I had to be committed to the psych ward for a couple days, and I've not been in a place like that for about 13 years.

The problem I'm having now is that it's been a month, and I can't help but occasionally check in on him. Mutual friends had been seeing him with a new girl recently, and one he'd been spending a lot of time with before we broke up. After checking his facebook over and over again (where females have been rejoicing over his newly single status), I saw earlier today that he was now officially in a relationship with this girl. And I went apeshit. Had to take some xanax to calm me down after my screaming and hair-pulling fit to chill out. I already knew it was going on but it makes me livid, the idea that I could be replaced in so little time, especially when he told me that he didn't think that he could ever stand to be in another serious relationship again and the pain of us having to break up was too much and etc etc.... Typical crap.

Now I want to move on but every time I think about him I get jealous and I feel a little twinge of manic rage if I even meet someone with the same name. I've been dealing in some typical ways, not cutting (though close) but other self-destructive habits, medicating with alcohol, drunk driving, promiscuous / unsafe sex, some drug use... But then when I'm feeling okay again, these behaviors make me sick. I know it's my way of coping, and right now I feel so bad that I can't use mindfulness exercises to calm me down, I just want to indulge in getting all my rage out in these ridiculous ways because I feel like no other way is going to help. And when I'm not out acting like a total spaz, I'm at home getting drugged up trying to not think about the easiest way to die.

I didn't come here because I'm going to kill myself and need people to talk me out of it. But if anyone has had trouble like this in a breakup and can help me understand the best way to handle feelings that make my head want to explode, please offer your guidance. At times like this all the tranquilizers in the world don't seem to make me feel as if my emotions won't find a way to destroy me.

Fellow BPD here also in DBT.

I highly recommend the book "Breaking Your Addiction to a Person"

http://www.amazon.com/How-Break-Your-Ad ... 0553382497

The book is written in a way that we borderlines can relate to and understand and has good suggestions on how to do this along with stories of people who got over somebody after being "stuck" in love. If you've just been asking about him and not calling him just to hear his voice, lol, you're doing great

I used this book before I knew about borderline, but couldn't get over my boyfriend. I found it very useful and, if I recall, it is consistent with DBT thinking.

Isn't it too bad that sometimes people assume that if you're borderline with a problem you're ready to off yourself? Some don't understand that it's hard work, but you can get through it.

Have a good day

Hey there, i built a website to try and destroy my ex wife boyfriend career. I would not trust myself to be in the same country as him. I understand the jealousy. I am finding it hard to let go of my wife. I do not think that is necessarily a bpd only thing though. The rages and intensity of emotion are though. It feels like way too much way too often at the moment. Tonight i called my wife on the phone. I had a good reason and was not expecting the marty reaction i got from her (had been very amicable over the weekend). It triggered me straight away. Before i knew it i was in the car and had driven 20 miles to her house. Cried the whole way and drove like a maniac. I am very proud of myself tonight. I did not go up to the house. I rang again from down the street. Her sister answered and ended up coming out and spending an hour with me in the car while i came back to rational. Lesson learnt. Call a friend when in trouble. If that fails go to them in person. Today was not my day to see wife and child. It was very very close to disaster, and no doubt counts as disaster for my wife, but i did better than i have done in a similar situation before. I retained enough logic to be able to stop. I did not stop at the ideal point. I had a 40 mile drive in bad road conditions for nothing. I did stop short of real damage though. My point is that even when we are hit by blinding emotions and impulses, so long as we make some progress then we are doing well. Presumably it gets easier. Also, there is no more emotionally upsetting situation. If we can make it through this we can do anything. I have wished i could go out and sleep with a few girls over the past few weeks (i am too shy to pick up though) but reading your post made me realise that i would actually hate it. It would not make the pain go away. The pain should be there. There would be something wrong with us if it did not hurt to break up and see our partners are with somebody else. Unfortunately we feel it more intensely and often for longer (from my experience and what i have read). I am very new to bpd (recent diagnosis ) but i am trying to focus on small things to modify my behaviour on. That and some hard rules for myself like, if i feel bad i cant go near the house at all. That is why tonight was a little victory for me. Next step. . . Dont drive near the house.

Hello neobetie,

I so sorry to hear that your ex did wot he did. Can I just clarify whether or not he suffered from BPD?

The story u told sounds like a typical senerio for someone with BPD!

I understand why what he did triggered aspects of you BP and re surfaced past thoughts and feelings.

My story is sort of similiar and you might be able to assist me in understanding.

I am a non BP and my ex of 6 years has BPD. We broke up 3 times in the past...the reason mainly? She always said that I never gave her enought emotional support and didn't return what she gave me. I also have 2 children from a previous marriage. My ex was 8 years younger than me but was never a problem. She always said she was scared to have children with me because she was scared that I would not give them enough attention because of my children (who she loved dearly).

I started to exhibit traits of BP and my Psych told me that after living with someone with BPD for 6 years it was not uncommon. I tell you this because I self harmed after we seperated 2 months ago and this really freaked her out. Then we were looking to start seeing each other again and I found out that she was having a on line relationship with a guy from another state (they haven't even met yet!) So I drunk drove and sent her a goodbye text msg. She once again freaked out and I was found by the Police. I never would have done anything like this before and I never abused alcohol before. My ex started to hide alcohol in the bedroom and her car over the lst year of our relationship and would drink every night. When she was asked why she was doing this she would lie or get angry with me and always blamed me (she never took responsibility for anything!). I would ask her to see someone because of her pervious diagnosis with BPD. She did briefly but that was it and stopped going.

During the middle of our breakup and her ringing this guy she would pick out a new bed cover, fridge, microwave and said I couldn't buy a picture because her mum had the same one. It was so confusing, if she didn't want to be with me why was she doing this???

2 months prior to breaking up I got a text from her saying "I was perfect for her" Explain that!

We haven't seen each other for 3 weeks but I have recieved msg saying she hates me for wot I have done to her. Then she wanted her stuff from the house. Then that we should remain friends. She said if I hadn't self harmed or drunk drove she thinks she would still be with me.....

I know that this thing with this guy would be keeping her mind occupied and she wouldn't be thinking of me. Because every other time we would be contacting each other....this is not the first time she has taken her stuff and one of the queen beds etc. She has told her friend that she is not coming back but her friend said this is not the first time she has said this!

My psych is adament that this long distance relationship will fail, because the BPD is allowing her to make this guy into anyone she wants him to be and there would be no stress or hang ups. Plus when she meets him she will have to face reality and no longer be in a fantasy land. (wot r your feelings about this????) Within a week of calling him she sent him a message that "they will make beautiful babies together", this reallly set of alarm bells for me and her parents (who had buried there heads in the sand until now). THey really thought I was the one because this was the longest relationship she had been in.

I have been told even though I did what I did I was not abusive or terrible to her and she still see's me as a safe haven that she will come to when this relationship fails. I am scared by this because I really need to get on with my life but I love her deeply. Iknow even though she hates me one day she still loves me overall.

Your thoughts as a women that suffers from BPD would greatly be respected and appreciated.