Just looking for more opinions? *May trigger*

I am 21, and I have been "mentally ill" for as long as I can remember pretty much. I have been diagnosed with almost every disorder in the book, and have been on pretty much every medication on the market at one time or another. None of them really ever helped at all. All of my doctors have diagnosed with me with BPD, but my therapist has insisted that I do not have it. And ofcourse id rather believe her because I have heard so many bad things about how borderlines are deemed as "hopeless"I have been in the hospital 20 times, and have a very bad self injury problem. When I have a crush on somebody, it is very hard to get rid of, it usually takes years.. I tend to hide the BPD quite well from what ive seen so far.. but if I have a crush on someone and they all the sudden have to change plans to go out, I suddenly get nauseus and my blood pressure goes up, and in my mind I am suspicious of them. I am also ashamed to admit that I am jealous of them going out with other people, although I NEVER let onto it. I even have gone as far as to say that if they dont want to be my friend anymore, its ok. (which ofcourse it really isnt) Then of ofcourse they ask why I would think something like that... and I cant explain it. My mood just shifts from happiness that I am going out, to being suicidal in a matter of seconds when they cancel. But I typically portray to them that I am ok with it. Even though in my mind, i am making suicidal plans.. I also seem to make a point of telling the person that I like that I attempted suicide. If someone really upsets me I start acting "odd" I will start asking strange questions that in my right mind, i would never want to know the answer to. I have even gone as far as to turn my phone off for months and ignore my friends because I wasnt hearing from any of them enough and am afraid that means they dont want to talk to me anymore, and so I would rather not know if they texted me or not. I lost some friends this way. If someone deletes me off their facebook i get that woozy feeling and that odd sensation sweep over me right before my mood shifts.. Does anyone else get that? I tend to hide all of my symptoms of BPD (or what ever it is) now, but I know when I was younger I would just start throwing things, screaming, self mutilating, etc. They called them "rages" at the hospital. Just because I had a bad thought creep through my mind. I have made so many suicide attempts, it is hard to keep up with. But I dont tell people what Ive done until afterwards, rather than threatening them before, and I also hide my self injury. I also dont believe I see things in "black and white" at least as far as I know. I think this is why my therapist thinks I dont have BPD and she believes it is my bipolar doing it. There has definately been noted disassociation with me as well. I have given myself stitches from this. It always seems to be linked to liking someone.. I also always see myself as someone else rather than myself, and this person has shifted from one to another my entire life. I have been trying to quit smoking for years, but everytime I do, I just go buy more for no reason really, and i spend my money really quickly. When I was as young as two, I started cutting all of my hair off for no reason.. My grandma had to hide the scissors. No one else in my family is known to have BPD, but my parents abandoned my with my grandparents when I was very young, and there was some abuse present here. Could this have cause this? I think this is the first time I have ever been entirely truthful as to what exactly goes through my head, because I see it as irrational thinking, and realize it. Does this sound like BPD to anyone? I think I would trust other people with BPD to truly help me figure out whether that is what it is, because you have been through it before, unlike the psychiatric community.. So please feel free to say absolutely anything that comes to mind, I really need it...

I'm not an expert in any way on BPD, but on face-value it doesn't seem to me that you have it. even if you do, it's not a death sentence, and the hopelessness you referred to (regarding those who have BPD) is not really practical in reality. I mean, you can just as easily be a hopeful person with BPD. It's about making that little switch in your brain regarding how you see the world.

Your life right now sounds as if it has derailed, but not entirely. You really need to start turning the tide here and tackling ecah problem one by one. Making a list of your symptoms might help you to do this, as you could then tackle each symptom. Remember that there is a future for you, and that you have the ability right now to mould it in a way you want to. You don't have to live the same way as others - do whatever you want.

The abuse you suffered might have played a part in creating the person you are now, but I'm suggesting that there's much more to it than that. I think that your problems are borne from the very fabric of who you are - i.e. this IS you. We aren't all born with genes that make us get on well with the world. If you look around you, you'll see countless depressed people. Society is such that it doesn't cater for everyone, just as it doesn't cater for people like you and I. WThis is bad - yes - but we have to interact with it on some level.

Im not sure if any of this will help you. I hpe it does but I feel pessimistic as to how helpful you'll find it.

Kevin

Chucky wrote:I'm not an expert in any way on BPD, but on face-value it doesn't seem to me that you have it. even if you do, it's not a death sentence, and the hopelessness you referred to (regarding those who have BPD) is not really practical in reality. I mean, you can just as easily be a hopeful person with BPD. It's about making that little switch in your brain regarding how you see the world.

Hey, we're here for you, whether you have it or not.
I'm a pretty hopeful BPDer... I have my bad days, but in general, I do as my handle says...
Smile.
It's not the bleak pit of dispair everyone thinks it is. I promise.
^_^

~~Your Friendly Neighborhood Hopeful BPDer~~

personally i would trust doctors plural over a single therapist. It does not really matter what the label is though. If you present bpd symptoms them bpd therapy could help. Either way, to echo smile, you are welcome here. The bpd label has actually helped me. If you have It, then naming it lets you start dealing with it. Suppressing the feelings is very much something i did, although i was not very good at it. I used to rage very visibly when i was young. I then learnt to keep it hidden to a great extent. That was equally bad for me and not entirely successful either. Now i am open again, but i have awareness which i never had before. It is possible to recover from bpd. Ammanf that holds the "untreatable" view is living in the past. I personally believe that i was born with bpd. I have no abuse in my past. There were some events that could be contributary but none large enough to warrant bpd in my opinion. It is not a bad diagnosis to have, any more so than diabetes. Not having a diagnosis would mean not being able to treat it though.

Hey...have you ever tried DBT therapy?

DBT is amazing and the first treatment geared just at borderline, although it helps other disorders. Borderline is NOT hopeless. That is old school thought, quickly changing. I'd like to show you a few awesome links and a great book that can help you. Many of us are pretty much beating borderline, but it takes unique therapy, not the typical type.

I'm not even going to try to say I have it as badly as you do...there are varying degrees. But I am in a DBT group where some of t he people in it were very severe and every one of us is at least 50% improved. Some are close to thinking, "Do I even have it anymore?" And whether or not we still do (it's debatable if it can be cured, but NOT debatable that it can be curved)...well, it's all good. Here are my favorite self-help links and, if you can, I'd get into a DBT group. I can't tell you how incredible it has been for me and for so many others. Thankfully, they are doing a lot of research on borderline and know a lot more than they did even five years ago.

Good luck

http://www.amazon.com/Dialectical-Behav ... 1572245131

http://lisadietz.home.comcast.net/~lisadietz/

http://www.bpddemystified.com/