Trying to move on

Boy oh boy, have I gotten myself in a pickle. I am a married man who has been involved with a BPD (female) lover for the past 18 months. I have immersed myself in this disorder as far as research goes. The bottom line is that she came along at a time when her adorations were so desperately needed, and I let the trojan horse thru the gates so to speak. My wife found out about this affair about 3 months ago and since then I have been trying to let go. It has been hard. She is pretty, sexual, young....she is a dream in so many ways. Unfortunately, she has the BPD baggage and has bared it all to me thru conversations--suicide attempt, abortions, failed goals, broken home, etc. I know better than this--not only do I know better to cheat on my wife (the only time in nearly 20 years of marriage), but my gut tells me to run away fast and hard. Of course, she wants me to leave my wife and kids for a life with her, but I just can't do that.

I hate a lot about this situation, and I know some of you will judge me for my marital infidelity and I can handle that--I can't defend what I did, and my wife has been very forgiving for a variety of reasons. The problem is letting go of this girl. Why in the hell has it been so hard and what can I do? Going NC seems so petty but I have tried other ways and it is not working. I have told her I would like to just be her friend but she wants nothing to do with that--she either wants me 100% or not at all.

Thoughts? Go ahead, slap me around.....I deserve it. And yes, I am seeing a shrink over this and going to marital counseling. The problem is this woman....she haunts me.....what the hell!

We're good at that. We manipulate, pull you in, and make you never want to leave, all while you try to get away. We can change to be who you want, all while changing you to fit our own ideals.

Your best bet is to completely cut off all contact. You can't be with both of them, you admitted it, so you have to make a choice- divorce your wife and get ready for a rollercoaster with this girl, or stop all contact and stay with your wife and make your marriage work.

Obviously (to me anyway) you're partly stuck because this girl gives you something your wife isn't giving you- affection, sex, adoration, excitement, whatever. But I'm sure you already covered that in counseling.

Cheating is a sore point for me, so be glad your wife forgave you- just stop making it worse by trying to be friends with your lover. It's not fair to her or to you- or to your BPD lover either, who can't move on if you can't make up your mind to DO something.

There's no such thing as "friends" in this context. That would require abilities most of us don't have.

I don't know this person but to me it seems like a borderline person would never be satisfied with being someone's mistress . . . eventually there WILL be the expectation that you would leave your wife. So there is no possible way this person can not screw with your marriage if you have anything whatever to do with her.

Pairou is right. You can't have your cake and eat it. If you are with your wife then the other has to go 100%. Otherwise leave your home and wife. There is no middle ground here. You cannot possibly remain friends with this girl. That would be so damaging to your wife. If you want to work on your marriage NC is the only thing you can do. It is the only fair thing you can do now for all parties.

Oh man.
You're going to get tired of this situation.
I know I did when I was a cheating whore. That was when I just up and left my boyfriend because it wasn't like he was unaware I was a cheating whore, he just wanted to put up with it until I settled down. I got sick of him acting like a doormat... and I got sick of sex with strangers... which is odd, kind of.

Anyway.
If you want to do the RIGHT thing... which is a debatable choice, I know... you have to severe ties with the other girl completely.
Otherwise you're still a cheating whore. And no one likes whores.
Trust me.

It is me...the original poster. I know, this is a bad situation. The fact that she did give me something that I was not getting at home is undeniable. The funny thing is, I have always been able to maintain a friendship with people.....I hate the idea that this person has played such a significant role in making me happy and in my life and I am just supposed to forget them. This is the hardest thing I have ever tried to do in my life. This has been the worst few months of my life, no question. I have hurt my wife and this woman....I am living so far out of my character right now that it just slays me everyday. And going NC is difficult with myspace, facebook and blogs out there.....it is crazy.

I really appreciate the wisdom....I feel pathetic right now.....I really do. This is my midlife crisis, no doubt.

Please keep any and all info coming. I think I just need someone to hit me over the head with a baseball bat.

Well I'd be happy to blugeon you with a baseball bat, but that won't help the situation.

It sucks, I know. You just have to do it or sacrifice your marriage.
There's nothing else to be said or done. There are no other options that are "the right thing to do" and you're stuck.

I feel your pain, man, but same as I had to tell myself I'm telling you that you created this mess, regardless.
You could have left your wife for this woman and saved at least one of them heartache.
But you didn't. That's the past.
In the now, it's time to man up.

Or run away... I mean I'd lose respect for you, but you have the option.

Ok....so let me ask this....if I stay with my wife for a year and we conclude that we can't make it work, do you think I could get my lover to come back? Would a bpd come back? She is pretty pissed right now.

tiggerfortwo wrote:Ok....so let me ask this....if I stay with my wife for a year and we conclude that we can't make it work, do you think I could get my lover to come back? Would a bpd come back? She is pretty pissed right now.

Seriously, cut off contact with a year and then beg for her back? Hell no. It's not a question of a borderline coming back, it's a question of ANYone coming back- not if they respect themselves, they wouldn't. You choose your wife, you're rejecting her for good. I wouldn't even think about it in your position, and I sincerely hope you won't keep trying.

tiggerfortwo wrote:Ok....so let me ask this....if I stay with my wife for a year and we conclude that we can't make it work, do you think I could get my lover to come back? Would a bpd come back? She is pretty pissed right now.

If I were either of the women in your life I'd leave you right now and burn your house down.
No, she won't come back. She'll have found someone else by then.
We move quick.