non - wondering why

First, let me apologize if I've pissed anyone off previously. I have a temper sometimes..

As some of you know, my girlfriend has bpd and prowls this forum. I've been reading a lot of the threads on here lately and, while it's helped me understand a bit more, I know that I don't really understand. I've been trying though. Sometimes I feel kind of lost in it all. It's easy enough when she's angry. I think it's adorable and can usually get her to smile and at least calm down enough to talk to me about what's got her upset. But it's when she gets so down that I can't even reach her that scares the whiznits out of me. She'll tell me she feels suicidal, that she has no will no live, but she also tells me that she would never do it. She does get uncontrollable urges to cut herself, but if I tell her not to do it, she won't, but she still has the urge. Sometimes she feels like she doesn't exist when I'm not around. She starts thinking she imagined me and that nothing else is real. But when I come back (Skype - we're long distance) or text her, it validates her existence. Her feelings are hurt so easily and it drives me nuts that I'm not there to..I don't know..protect her, I guess. She recognizes when her bpd comes through and she thinks it's been getting worse lately. Between useless therapy, wrong medication, mood swings, and lack of motivation for art (which she loves), I'd say it's been pretty rough for her. I'm trying so hard to be there; to understand, to listen, to give advice, to make her feel comfortable and beautiful and loved. But I can only do so much without really knowing how to help. So can anyone maybe tell me (typically) why these things happen to someone with bpd? Or just advice on what I can do to better help her through this is also appreciated.

Well, not everyone who has borderline has the same symtoms or is the same person or responds to the same things. I have a dx. of bpd traits and mood disorder (they often go together) and what works for her may never have worked for me. The best thing you can do, imo, is let her heal in therapy, which takes time. Has she ever had DBT or CBT therapy? Is she seeing a professional who specializes and understands borderline? There are so many misconceptions about borderline that it makes my head spin...many outdated ideas about it that harm the borderline AND much new research that is very helpful to people with this disorder.

The medical community is strongly considering changing the horrible name of borderline to emotional dysregulation disorder, which is far more accurate. The borderline, in DBT and CBT, works to understand how to control those overly sensitive, reactive emotions...in the process issues of aloneness, enjoying your own company, realizing the world is gray and not black and white, and that we DO have identities is helpful. I even was in a few sessions where we had to write down WHO WE ARE and HOW WE BELIEVE so that we got a good sense of ourselves as people...it was cool and really helped me.

I guess the short answer is SHE has work to do (sounds like she is trying) and you can't change her disorder, but SHE can. I can and will connect you to the newest and most effective therapeutic sites (imo) so that you can maybe guide her toward them. Until she realizes that she CAN live without you and that YOU are not her identity, she isn't going to be able to be a good partner to you or to herself, and you are not a professional. I do not recommend anyone trying to help somebody overcome any psychiatric problem other than a professional.

Having tried hard to help you, I want to direct you to the help line for those who do not have borderline. It's near the top of this forum. There is one non-borderline thread for people like you to talk on. This is the main forum for borderlines seeking support. Ok, here are my favorite sites with what I feel are very helpful ways for borderlines to heal. I also included a few self-help work books. I've done them all. To me, DBT and CBT combined (DBT includes CBT) are the best therapies for us. They have changed my life and allowed me to be a good parnter/mom/family member. Marsha Lineham is my hero...if you can't afford her book for your friend, perhaps she can get it from the library. She reinvented treatment for bpd. Good luck.

http://www.dbtselfhelp.com/

http://www.dailystrength.org/c/Personal ... -self-help

http://www.bpddemystified.com/

http://www.amazon.com/Training-Treating ... 0898620341

Hi,
Firstly this is my take on BPD for me. It may be different for her.

1. Suicidal tendencies. When the feelings inside get too much to take then it seems like the only possible escape from them. Being aware that these feelings will be transient allows me not to take action (this breakthrough only happened for me a few weeks ago). Thus I can also say that I have suicidal thoughts sometimes but will not act on them.

2. Cutting. Much the same as above. Physical pain or self harm (I often don't feel pain the same way when I am feeling bad enough to cut) is a way of redirecting the inner pain. It makes it show on the outside. I think a small part of me wants to get attention with it... show the stuff inside that nobody can see. "Look..... I am hurting this much inside". Largely though it is just about releasing some of that inner pain. I have not cut in a few years now though.

3. Needing somebody else to validate my existence. I have a really deep seated need for love and for somebody who understands me, will stick by me through thick and thin and will believe in me at times when I can't. I feel like I can't get through life alone. I feel ill equipped, I have a string of failures stretching back over my whole life and I need somebody to help me. Needy Needy Needy. I also feel bad about that, but it is a very central part of how I feel. If I reach out to somebody (which is hard when I have destroyed so many relationships) I need them to meet me. If I sense that they are not meeting me with the same intensity (which is normal because they are not driven by an abnormal urge for intensity) I get frightened and feel rejected. My behaviour can become manic (multiple phone calls or texts or turning up somewhere). I get paranoid. I think that if they don't feel the same way about me then they are going to be with somebody else and I want to run away. I also do not want to run away, I want to make the relationship more intense. I want to create a bond so strong that it can't be broken. All out of fear. If I am actually rejected my world falls apart completely. On my own I feel that I am not worth being with. I feel that nobody would want to be with me in any way that matters. This is more a reflection of my view of myself than actual fact. It is also something that is changing in me since I got diagnosed a bit of an understanding of how I work at last.

Love is not all about neediness though. I love very deeply. Deeply enough to make me face some of my BPD traits and override the urge to cut and run. BUT.... If I feel rejected in any way (it may be something tiny like "you're bloody useless" because I forgot something on the shopping list..... then I sometimes turn. The person I love is the enemy. I become distrustful, they become physically ugly to me, I want to hurt them back sometimes. It is very disproportionate. I have been told that my eyes turn black, I am cold and cutting in my language and behaviour. I am also unpredictable. These reactions can only drive people away from me, yet at the time, when I find myself in a reaction, I am so driven by impulse or emotion that I actually feel less. I am colder. I am calculating and sometimes downright dangerous. I have the ability to destroy everything around me in mere minutes. Largely I am talking about pre-diagnosis here. Now that I understand what is going on I am able to exert some control over it. I say some because I am very newly diagnosed and Rome was not built in a day. Previous to diagnosis it felt like there was another evil version of me that took me over out of the blue sometimes. It scared me a lot because it felt like I got possessed or something. I had no idea what I would do... how far I would go while in that state.

I crave security. I crave a stable relationship. I fear abandonment and rejection above anything else. I fear them so much that I sometimes project those fears onto people, paranoia leading to self fulfilling prophecy a few times.

I am not a bad person. I have very little control over my actions prompted by emotions. When I feel, I must act. Recovery is going to be about learning not to act on feelings alone for me.

All anybody can do for me is be there for me. I have to do the work on recovery myself. No magic pill!

I don't know if that makes anything any clearer for you.

ABCDEFG: Thank you for your response. About the DBT - she thinks it would be beneficial for her to go. We've talked about it for a while now. I even offered to pay for it. I'll do anything to help her, especially if it's something she thinks would help. The only trouble is that she'll be starting college in September and moving away and the closest clinic that offers DBT to her school is just over 2 hours away. She doesn't have transportation to get back and forth and I won't be there until January at the earliest. However, there's a 24 week program about 45 minutes from where she lives now - but it would run past the date she starts at college. That's pretty much our whole dilemma there.
She knows that she CAN function without me. It's happened on numerous occasions. She also knows that I'm not her identity. I'm trying to work with her to find a stable sense of self because she's never had one - even pre-diagnosis. She is in therapy, but her therapist is kind of...flaky? I guess? She diagnosed her with bpd and then not too long ago said something like "Oh, by the way, you're not bpd, you just have bpd like symptoms." Which made me go "Oh, I don't have DID, I just have multiple personality like symptoms.." O_o Seriously? And her psychiatrist had her on Abilify which made her so depressed and tired and her appetite increased so much that she was literally always hungry. Now he's got her off the Abilify and started her on Lamictal. It's been 6 days since then and she's already made a huge improvement. She has the DBT workbook that she purchased by reference of her therapist, but I'm not sure if she's started using it yet. I think she's waiting for me to buy it too so we can do it together. Thank you for the links, I will be checking them out as soon as I post this.

Optimistic: I think the cutting thing is pretty much the same for everyone. I used to do it too and it was because I didn't have a way to get the pain out otherwise. It was so I could see that I was actually hurting and it helped remind me that I was still a real person. She doesn't need me to validate her existence to the point of total clingage, but she does have extreme fears of abandonment and rejection, which is why it took so long to get her to date me in the first place (over 4 months). She's told me that her fear is so bad that she feels the need to abandon and reject someone before they can do it to her. I admit, that made me nervous, but it doesn't anymore because I know it doesn't apply to me.
Your reply did help me. It clarified a few things I'd been pondering on my own time. Thank you.

I really do appreciate the help and advice. I can understand a lot of what happens and a little of why it happens, but sometimes even my empathy skills won't allow me to feel what she's feeling and I'm starting to think it's because sometimes she doesn't even know what she's feeling. But I won't give up. I'm going to do my best to help her and to make things as easy for her as I possibly can. Thank you both again!

Hi LC,

I just got done sharing some things about being diagnosed with BPD in another thread, so if you're interested, here's the link:
post338969.html#p338969

I'm not saying that this is applicable everywhere; it's just how things work between me and my fiance.

Good luck to you and to your partner!

--Frayed