Desperate Help Dealing With a Family Member

I Need Desperate Advise,

I have a sister who is also a mother of 2. One child is 12 and the other only 6 months. She isn't married but engaged with a person she's been with for about 1 year.

For the past 10 years my sister shows signs of BPD (possibly BP). Her symptoms are much more like BPD then BP though.

Over the past few years things have been getting progressively worse. I only see her a few times per year but when I do things often get heated quite quickly. This could be literary over saying something as simple as today it will get dark at 5 and she would disagree and say it will be 515 (often she isn't correct though). She would defend her positions like her life depended on it and a sensible person has no choice but back down, as the subject of the argument doesn't mean anything.

Often we have had arguments regarding how she treats her daughter. She yells at her constantly, never things to explain things, and has to control everything. (especially small things like the way she sits, and even holds her fork). I have always bitten my tongue about these comments as I know my sister would "freak out" and blame me for interfering. Then I feared she would no longer let me speak to my niece.

During my last visit I could hold my tongue no longer and when my sister dished out a punishment to her daughter for rolling her eyes, I commented, "you're going to punish her for that", then all Hell broke loose. My sister swore at me, cursed me, and told me I had no right to come into her house and tell her how to raise her child. I just sat there and took it and eventually left.

My biggest fears are now coming true. My sister will not answer her phone and through email has told me her daughter no longer looks at me the same way (likely untrue, as even her daughter has made comments about her mothers anger) and that she may never take my calls again.

All these years I have "walked on egg shells" around my sister in order to ensure I have some relationship with my niece (until she gets older and gains her freedom). Now it seems I may have approached the situation in the wrong way.

I am looking on some advise on how to handle this situation? My sisters fiancée doesn't seem to want to stand up to her, but he is well aware of her anger issue. (Actually he has take my calls but said he wouldn't tell my sister).

I am at a loss here. Any Help on the next step I should take? My sister is very defensive about psychological disorder talk. We've touched on the topic before and it didn't end well.

Hi,

Just take a step back for the next few days or weeks to allow things to cool down a bit. Ideally, the next person to make the call should be her to you. I am on your side in believeing that she over-reacted with the 'eye-rolling' thing her daughter did, but there is so much more to this story too obviously. Just please stop trying to contact her for now and let things simmer a bit.

If she's the type of person who disagrees with everything that people say, then it could be that she's stressed underneath and this quick 'denunciation' of what people say is a sign that she's not happy. I know that you're angry with hewr, but do you think she has ever showed signs of being depressed? Also, what does the fiancee say?

Kevin

con117 wrote:For the past 10 years my sister shows signs of BPD (possibly BP). Her symptoms are much more like BPD then BP though.

Connie, it would not be surprising if she has both because a substantial share of BPDs also suffers from bipolar disorder. There are several clear differences between the two disorders. Bipolar mood swings are very slow because they are caused by gradual changes in body chemistry. They are considered rapid if as many as four occur in a year.

In sharp contrast, four BPD mood changes can easily occur in four days. BPD rages, for example, typically last about 5 hours and rarely as long as 36 hours (if the BPD sufferer is inner-directed, you will not witness a raging screaming person but, instead, a quiet withdrawn person who turns her anger onto herself).

A second difference is that the onset is very different. Whereas a bipolar change may occur over several weeks, a BPD change typically occurs in less than a minute -- often in only 15 seconds -- because it is event-triggered by some innocent comment or action.

A third difference is that, whereas bipolar can cause people to be irritable and obnoxious during the manic phase, it does not rise to the level of meanness you see when a BPD is splitting you black. The difference is huge: while a manic person may regard you as an irritation, a BPD person can perceive you as Hitler and will treat you accordingly.

Finally, a fourth difference is that a bipolar sufferer -- whether depressed or manic -- usually is able to trust you if she knows you well. Untreated BPDs, however, are unable to trust -- even though they sometimes may claim otherwise. This lack of trust means there is no foundation on which to build a relationship. Moreover -- and I learned this the hard way -- when a person does not trust you, you can never trust them because they can turn on you at any time -- and almost certainly will.

Yet, despite these four clear differences between the two disorders, many people confuse the two. The primary source of this confusion, as I note above, seems to be the fact that many BPD sufferers also have the bipolar disorder.

Now it seems I may have approached the situation in the wrong way. I am looking on some advise on how to handle this situation? ... Any help on the next step I should take?

For the "next step," I agree with Chucky that you should wait for her to contact you. Beyond that, however, I have no advice to give. If there were anything you could do to improve the situation, all the BPD ex-Partners on this forum (i.e., the "Nons") would have done it to save their relationships and marriages.

Sadly, there is nothing you can do to fix it. But you already know that. Moreover, you likely will never be able to build up any reservoir of good will with your sister. Although she may be able to appreciate good things you do for her for a week, it won't last long. The next big wave of intense emotions sweeping over her will push it all aside. Her current set of intense emotions, then, is her day to day reality.

If you want to learn more about the nature of BPD relationships, this BPD forum is an excellent place to be for reading threads because you will learn from BPDs as well as Nons. Significantly, our general advice for Nons (without children) is that they should leave the relationship when the untreated BPD loved one is in denial and will not seek therapy. Like your sister, most BPD sufferers never cross the pain threshold into acknowleging to themselves or anyone else that they have this disorder. Most are not sufficiently self aware to do that.

We do not often give advice to family members, who cannot walk away permanently. I therefore suggest you go to the largest BPD site devoted to Nons. It has about 15 separate message boards for various types of issues. The two of greatest interest to you -- for getting tips on how to relate to her -- are the "Coping with Parents and Relatives" and the "Staying" boards. The site is at http://www.bpdfamily.com/discussions/message-board.htm . Best wishes to you, Connie.

My sister has definitely been exhibiting the signs of BPD in that case.
I and my family have been going through this for so long now our overriding concern is for the welfare of my sister’s children. Especially since she will not let me speak to my niece.(who I've had a great relationship with until now). What should we do about that? Is there a way to suggest she seek some sort of help (or it even worth doing?)
I can't help but feel extremely guilty regarding her children. I keep thinking there is something I should be doing to make their lives better. It's killing me!

Please don't feel guilty. If you truly believe she is abusive, call Social Services, although, at least in the US, you would probably be in the position of having to prove it. Yelling at your kid doesn't count as abuse (although it can be very harmful). Hitting is another story. If there are bruises...she could be in big trouble. And should be in big trouble.

Sister or not, she may not be able to be a positive in your life and you may have to accept that as well as your parents. It's unfortunate that she has a daughter she can withdraw from you.

I don't know if she has bpd or not or if she is taking good care of her mood disorder. If she does have bpd along with bipolar, you're going to have a really impossible task trying to reason with her. I wouldn't because her behavior will only escalate.

Good luck to you.

con117 wrote:I keep thinking there is something I should be doing to make their lives better.

No, that is what you keep feeling, not thinking. It is the feeling of your inner child, who likely will lag behind the intellectual understanding of your adult by at least a year -- if my experience is any guide. Because your child learns from emotional experiences -- not logic -- the best way to educate her is to talk about this to anyone who will listen (not that many people, actually) and write about it to anyone who will write back (a lot more people -- like Chucky, Alphabet and me).

By expressing yourself in those ways, you start attaching stronger feelings to each of your intellectual thoughts, bringing the adult and child into better alignment. Absent that, your child will continue to undermine you with nagging doubts and the senseless guilt you feel this very moment.

All of us with BPD friends and family members have to deal with that exasperating feeling of utter helplessness. Please listen to Alphabet. She doesn't mention it above but she is a recovered BPDer. That doesn't mean she cured it but, rather, that she has spent years learning to control her emotions. So, when she says that trying to reason with your sister would be "an impossible task" causing her behavior to "only escalate," I believe it. Certainly, that was my experience with my exW.