Y do bpd's dump their partners ?

Simple question folks: If bpd's fear abandonment as much as it is said they do, then why do they sometimes abruptly dump their partners ? Here's the scenario: Bpd suddenly dumps NON saying 'I don't want you in my life. I'm cutting all contact & changing my mobile number, home number etc.' NON is dumped, no contact follows but bpd does not actually change the tel numbers as threatened. What's the deal here ?

Control (I've edited this but read http://gettinbetter.com/anycost.html) I feel like she used manipulation because normally people wouldn't do what she did unless they were manipulating. Hard to seperate at times...

It's like my ex uBPD. One day we are talking about marriage and making plans for the upcoming weekend, next I'm being ignored during that weekend and bam she dumps me and says move on (actually she said I don't love you, YOU pissed it all away). Thing is she never returns many of the things I still had at her place (a few hundred dollars worth of bike parts) and never makes an effort to return them despite me getting a third party friend and writing a letter stating I would have to file a police report. She just ignored all of it, oh except she beat me to the punch an called the police informing them I was 'stalking' her, the police officer even said (when they called me to give ME a warning) that she told them that she did not want to get me in trouble but....WTF.

Being able to follow the "no contact rule" (see shrink for men, gettinbetter websites) takes the power away from her. Otherwise the door is left open so that when she's done ######6 around and possibly paints you white again she can try and snag you (hey it happened 3 times to me).

Remember, it's all about the inability to regulate emotions hence the I love you/I hate you we non's suffer through (well not to say that it's not uncomfortable for BPDers but come on they usually disassociate into painting you black and then could care less).

If your ex really gave you closure (changing all contact info, etc) then she WOULD have to deal with the loss of you from her life and face the grief, feel the pain and face the fear of being truly alone. As long as you keep in contact, this does not happen and you enable her to keep it up.

There is nothing to envy in your ex. She is all caught up in a mess and this kind of behavior probably means they have lots of losses they haven't grieved and no wonder there is so much illness around them. Be glad you are free from that.

Oh, and after a few months she'll probably try to contact you or if she see's you out and about try to communicate with you. I've witnessed this pattern over two years and 3 breakups.

Yep, really suck doesn't it. Even worse if she has jumped into another (sexual) relationship to not face her fears.

dbruning wrote:[She used] manipulation.

DB, I believe that depends on how you define "manipulation." If you use that term to mean she had planned something in a shrewd and calculating way, I doubt she did that. It is possible, of course, but unlikely. Due to the intense emotions sweeping through them, BPDs typically are very reactive to what they are experiencing at any moment in time.

They therefore do not try to be calculating very often and, when they do, are not very good at it. This is why I suspect that, if your ex was actually good at manipulation, she likely had another PD in addition to BPD that would explain that behavior.

As to the way she pulled you into the relationship, that too does not appear to be manipulation. Like all human beings, she wanted to be loved. If she has strong BPD traits, as you suspect, she also wanted to be saved from her unhappiness. For BPDs, the intense emotions constitute their view of reality. So when she projected onto you the savior qualities that no human possesses, she really believed that you could save her. Like her, you also were partially blinded by your infatuation.

Hence, most of us on this forum do not characterize BPDs as being manipulative but, rather, controlling. Because their childhood experiences were so out of control, and because they live in fear throughout their adult lives, it is understandable they have a desperate need to control things so as to feel safe. Unlike manipulation, "controlling" does not imply calculating or scheming.

Manipulation, control both point me in a certain direction.Db your script may as well have my name on it so similar is the experience.Thanks fellas.

Heartman wrote:Manipulation, control both point me in a certain direction. Db your script may as well have my name on it so similar is the experience.

I agree. I got so caught up in the control/manipulation discussion that I forgot to say how well you describe the cycle, DB. You describe a pattern that I immediately identified with. Instead of experiencing it for two years, however, I kept at it for fifteen.

All I can think is that either she is so afraid of engulfment that her mind goes into flight mode OR she is so afraid of losing control and the pushing away is her only means of control. But I'm not a doctor.

I am not BPD but I do have commitment issues, some of which show themselves by month three of a r'ship. I feel myself losing control, I feel myself falling, and so I push the man away. If he comes back, then he truly loves me. And then I'm remorseful. But at least I feel a sense of structure, rather than the untethered swimming feeling I get before I throw a petulant fit. For me, this stops pretty quickly, once I know I have his commitment. But when I'm in that moment, I know of no other way to soothe my fears.

I believe this is a fractional view of what my ex-BPD experiences in a never ending cycle.

It's manipulation, but it isn't. It isn't preconceived. It's totally in the moment. If I could stop it, I would.

But I'm not BPD so I am incapable of pushing anyone to the degree that you describe. The only time I've ever been inspired to cut someone out was after 1-1/2 years with a BPD, after experiencing the same cyclical behavior you describe. I knew the drill. I knew he couldn't control it per se. But the relationship could never gain traction because of those cycles. And I was suffering physically from all the emotional stress. And so I had to finally cut the cord. At some point, it doesn't matter why someone does something. It's the fact that they do it.

The majority of the longer-than-a-week relationships I've been in ended because I got bored. The first guy I dated I know I was scared away by an unwanted plea for commitment. With the other relationships, it just stopped being interesting or mutually beneficial.

Maybe some of the other Borderlines on here can agree with that but if you're going for a generalized answer it's usually:

A. They saw commitment coming and panicked. The whole "I'll leave you before you can leave me" thing. Really born out of low-self worth and fear of abandonment.

B. They felt that their control over the relationship was being decreased and so instead of just letting that control go, they manipulate the situation onto a different path until they feel comfortable again.

Could really be both reasons combined. Those are the two most common ones I've heard. The manipulation isn't typically a conscious effort but rather to preserve their sense of worth.

Very simple.

I dump you before you can dump me.

It makes the abandonment a little easier to take if I'm the one doing the abandoning.

Fear of abandonment (I'll leave before you can leave me).

Whim (suddenly doesn't want to be with you anymore).

And phone numbers can be a hassle to change.

Also, it could be that this person is just a jerk.

Heartman wrote:Simple question folks: If bpd's fear abandonment as much as it is said they do, then why do they sometimes abruptly dump their partners ? Here's the scenario: Bpd suddenly dumps NON saying 'I don't want you in my life. I'm cutting all contact & changing my mobile number, home number etc.' NON is dumped, no contact follows but bpd does not actually change the tel numbers as threatened. What's the deal here ?

Maybe it's pure and simple and nothing to do with BPD - it's just that she really doesn't want to be with you anymore??