Why?

Why is it that I have to feel so offended and left out just 'cause friends of mine are getting together and didn't think of inviting me? Most likely it was because of my son and what nots, 'cause a long trip for just a day visit is kinda... bleh for a young'un... I suppose... I still feel betrayed though... like I'm not important enough to invite, and it is extremely hard to fight against my first reaction to just say "screw you all," and consider them awful people. I'm aware this is most likely what "splitting" is. I know deep down that they don't mean harm by this at all... and that they aren't awful people.. but that is not how I feel even though I attempt to convince myself of that. I still feel as though I don't matter to them and that what they say is complete B.S. That they are merely attempting to make themselves look good by not being total douchebags to me... I just wish I could, in my heart, believe what I logically know. -sigh-

I am getting to the point where I will admit that what I am saying is completely ridiculous, but I still am saying it anyway because I can't convince myself to feel any other way.... even if I want to. It is extremely frustrating... and it makes me want to curl up and sleep... cry... but at the same time I want to rage and throw things.. break stuff... insult people and see the hurt I can cause... I don't like the side of me that I am beginning to realize is actually there... I have denied it for so long, but apparently denying it isn't getting me anywhere either... it's a lose-lose situation... It sucks not to feel in control of your own ... self.

Hi. I know how you feel. We have such a terrible fear of abandonment, don't we? The way I diagnosed myself was because I was freaking out at something my daughter-in-law had said to me that made me feel abandoned. I got so tired of my angst that I put "Terror of abandonment" into my Google Search Engine and guess what popped up? About ten links to borderline...lol. After reading the symptoms of a disorder I obviously have that had never been diagnosed, I immediately decided to do self-help work until I could get into treatment and I'll pass along something I learned: It is okay to be alone. Most people are alone without distress. Wow, that was huge for me. Now I truly believe I can be alone and be fine.

The rest of it, well, you'll just have to work on it. I recommend reading about DBT Therapy because it addresses this issue, as well as almost every other, and was made up for bpd. After I read several updated books about bpd in the DBT mode, I felt I understood myself for the first time and why I do what I do. I'll link you to the book that helped me the most. Good luck, and don't feel bad about yourself. Everyone with bpd tends to fear left out easily and, yes, even cry over it...even when it sometimes makes no sense. Part or the disorder until we get a handle on it. Let me give you a big cyber-hug (((hugs))) There!

http://www.amazon.com/Training-Treating ... 0898620341
(This book is expensive. If you can't afford it, ask your library to please get it for you, unless they already have it. It is a MUST READ. Good for nons too who want to understand the borderline in their life!)

I only needed to question what was wrong with me until I was 18, and then the hospital diagnosed me with BPD while I was a patient for a week... you'd think knowing your diagnosis would help, but it really doesn't. -sigh-

Squeekerz wrote:I only needed to question what was wrong with me until I was 18, and then the hospital diagnosed me with BPD while I was a patient for a week... you'd think knowing your diagnosis would help, but it really doesn't. -sigh-

At my age, for me at least, it does. If nothing else, it's an answer, and it's a chance to find a new way to do something, and a chance to understand why things that happened, happened. I think if I'd been diagnosed with anything at 17 or 18 - when I started cutting, but I realize it was far from the first time I used self-injury to cope - it wouldn't have helped me, either. Even 25. You want to be normal, to fit in, to be like everyone else, and a diagnosis of something different just doesn't help. Although, I was 25 when I was tentatively (and erroneously) diagnosed with bipolar II, and I embraced it. I even joined a bipolar support group. It was nice having friends, and having someone who wasn't going to judge you for being different. It was also helpful, because I realized I didn't belong there. I didn't fit.

Meanwhile, I completely get this abandonment thing. I get very upset when I find out friends have done something without me, especially if it's something I wanted to do. I hold it over their heads for a good, long time, too. And if I ask them to do something, and they say they'd rather not, well, that feels just as miserable. It's all I can do to keep from assuming that friend no longer likes me and wants nothing more to do with me, so I'll show them - I won't bother to talk to them anymore. So there. Probably part of the reason why I don't have many close friends anymore.

Yeah. . . It didn't really bother me that I was "different," since I'd felt that way for years. I never had friends in high school and all that jazz, because as you said I'd stop talking to them if they seemed like they didn't want to hang out with me. I'm aware that most of my loneliness was probably caused by myself and my imagined abandonment.

I'm 22 now and I still can't really use all of what I have been diagnosed with to actually do a whole lot besides attempt to educate and warn the people around me about it. It doesn't always work though because I seem so normal most of the time, especially after I've been making an effort to get well. I am nowhere near as outwardly depressed and melancholy, and 'though that is better for keeping friends around, it makes it so people forget that there is something wrong with me.

I use the knowledge I have as well as I can, and 'though it helps, it still does not get rid of that emptiness and what not. It doesn't change the way I think, even when I'm trying to make it do so. That is the part that frustrates me so much. I cry when I am depressed not because of the depression, but because I realize there is something wrong and no matter how hard I try I can not change anything.

Squeekerz wrote: ...
I use the knowledge I have as well as I can, and 'though it helps, it still does not get rid of that emptiness and what not. It doesn't change the way I think, even when I'm trying to make it do so. That is the part that frustrates me so much. I cry when I am depressed not because of the depression, but because I realize there is something wrong and no matter how hard I try I can not change anything.

Whoa, lightbulb moment. Sometimes, I do cry because of the depression, but usually, yeah, it is because I know I'm broken and can't seem to do a damn thing about it.

Right, so anyway: as for education, I pretty much only bother to share with those who seem to show an interest in becoming friends, rather than acquaintances. Maybe once I get more comfortable with myself, I can be more outspoken, but as yet, this is still pretty new to me. Not helpful, sorry.

Hehe. I like lightbulb moments.

I remember always considering people acquaintances rather than friends. It was easier that way when I started thinking they didn't want to talk to me anymore, 'cause they were never my friend anyway, right? The comfort I have with myself comes and goes, but right now it's rather high. I actually called a college administrator several times, and when I finally got hold of her we were on the phone for a few hours to complete my application to her college. The Art Institute of Pittsburgh Online. =] Maybe I'll be able to be a college student soon. Who knows?

I use the knowledge I have as well as I can, and 'though it helps, it still does not get rid of that emptiness and what not. It doesn't change the way I think, even when I'm trying to make it do so. That is the part that frustrates me so much. I cry when I am depressed not because of the depression, but because I realize there is something wrong and no matter how hard I try I can not change anything

From reading some of your posts, it seems to me that your feelings might not change but you're getting a grasp on some good thinking. Thinking and feeling are two separate things. You seem to be challenging your feelings by analyzing your thoughts - that's great.

Often we have little or no control over how we feel; but we can gain increasing control over how we think about something. That's what CBT or DBT practices do... compare and contrast feelings with thoughts, and take you through a process to produce better behavior which actuallyy can loop into better thoughts and even better, healthier feelings.

Have you done any CBT or DBT work?

nope