terrifying drug flashbacks

So i started taking drugs at the age of 16 it was great cause i felt like part of a family of other users..a ###$ up one of course but im use to that. so close to turning 18 i took bad ecstacy once with dirty dirty $#%^ in it (which isnt rare with pills) and i couldnt move or speak the whole night, i was terrified of everything around me and so paranoid i thought i was going to die. I didnt sleep for 3 nights and ever sence then whenever i took drugs it was a horrible night mare of paranoia and anxiety (why i still did it i really dont know other than being accepted by a group of people) anyways.....ive been pretty clean for a year now other than 2 or 3 mushroom/ acid trips. but i still think about how i felt during my trips and i still find myself tense up and shake and i cant make the thoughts stop. Having borderline makes me think paranoid thoughts already..now on top of bad drug experiences and still being quite dependant on alcohol now its hard to keep my sanity sometimes.

I dont know if this even makes sence to anyone but just wondering if anyone else has had or has these feelings or experiences?
thanks

Hi jacqueline,

I dont' have experience in this area particularly, but I think that you can put a positive spin on what happened. If, for example, you took the view that there is/are positive(s) to be got from everything we do, what positive things could you take from this experience in your life? Think about it for as long as you can and then reply.

Kevin

Both my parents are drug addicts and dealers, it really ruined my childhood and well I still have a lot of hang ups over it. I was so against drugs for so long, and well I guess I still am, yet the same as you at 16 I started to dabble in drugs. I felt like if my parents would forsake me for something like a pill or a smoke then it must really invoke happiness.
I've never done hard drugs, just smoked weed and took valium, I really regret it... I havent for about 5 months now, the only reasons I did was to get back at my parents, to escape the world or with the valium to take enough to knock me out so I could just sleep without facing my problems.
I felt like somehow if I took drugs it would punish my parents for everything they put me through, its the same with the cutting I guess. Make them feel bad for the misery they put me through, its a warped way of thinking I know..
I've never had as bad experiances as you while being on drugs, though I do know what you mean about the whole paranoia thing. It's truely horrible...
I hope that you can overcome the horror's of your past,
you have my faith,
Alex.

well Kevin, the only positive thing from my drug use was making "friends" but they arent really around anymore. So all im left with is bad memories and a damage brain. My therapist said one part of my brain craves excitement and the part of my brain that is under developed (the 5 year old girl) part of my brain doesnt know how to handle it. So the drugs were scary as hell for me. i dontknow if its possible but maybe i have a bit of PTSD ,cause everytime i think of things that happend and things i saw during those days i start shaking and get bad anxiety. And as for doing drugs to get back at my parents.. they still dont know ive done drugs , i use to cut and say horrible things to my mom to let her know how i was feeling but it only got me put in a hospital for awhile.