New Here...

I am so overly afraid of being abandoned, I’m sure this is partly or mostly to do with what I dealt with as a child at the age of 5 when I witness my father shoot my mother at blank point range as well as that every relationship i've ever been in they have always left me... especially my ex husband when ran off one night because we got into a fight and after 1 wk of being gone at a friends house decided he wanted a divorce.

The pattern of unstable and intense interpersonal relationships is partially true for me. I do get very close to my partner very quick, my past two husbands I was married to them within 6 months of being with them. I asked my first to marry me, and my second asked me. But alot of people with BPD from what I understand tend to have alot of short relationships. I tend to want and have long term relationships and am looking for a lifetime partner.

My self image is so random but this is also a trait of being bipolar. I have my days where I can’t stand to see my self and other days where I sit and think I look good.

Being impulsive that is potentially self-damaging (e.g., spending, sex, substance abuse, reckless driving, binge eating). I get money and I want to spend it. I can be very careless at times with my money and just tell myself later that I’ll get the money to cover my rent, thankfully I always do. As far as sex well due to the fact that I have family that reads this blog I will just say I’ve had my share of crazy moments. Substance abuse I don’t do, I hate drugs but I love to drink. I do have my moments where I want to drink alot more then others. Driving, lets just put it this way, don’t’ piss me off while in the car. Last but not least binge eating, well I think we all do a bit of that regardless if you choose to admit to it or not.

Suicidal behavior, gestures, or threats, or self-mutilating behavior. In the past I had thoughts of suicide alot but never actually attempted to carry it out. I do however when I get really mad at myself tend to hurt myself or I will sometimes hurt myself if I’m not getting the attention I want. Although this has only happened a few times. I do my best to stop myself from doing it. The last time was when I got so upset and had a flat iron in my hand and tapped each one of my left fingers to it. I think I do this to take away the emotional pain that I’m feeling at the time. The most common thing I tend to do is hit my head with my hand...

Affective instability due to a marked reactivity of mood (e.g., intense episodic dysphoria, irritability, or anxiety usually lasting a few hours and only rarely more than a few day. Ohh my you have no idea how irritable I can get at some of the smallest things. I get irritable at so many things I don’t even want to being to list them. And my anxiety gets out of control.

Feelings of emptiness, I get this feeling every so often. People will sometimes ask me, “But I thought you were so happy in your relationship?” I am very happy but that doesn’t stop my random moments of feeling this way.

Inappropriate, intense anger or difficulty controlling anger. I don’t ever feel the need to get into a physical fight. I think that is just stupid. But I sometimes get really angry and at the wrong people for totally stupid reasons. I also find my self having a hard time controlling this anger.

Paranoid ideation or severe dissociative symptoms. This kind of goes along with my social disorder in where I think people are always out to get me and thinking bad things about me. I always seem to think that I’m being treated unfairly. Lela has even brought this up to me.