Lost

To be honest i really do not know why i am posting here. I have been recently diagnosed with clinical depression, social phobia and Borderline personality disorder. I am feeling so much recently and i am basically just plain confused all the time. Maybe by typing up some of whats going through my head it will help to sort it out. maybe someone can even relate to what i am feeling.

Every day is a struggle to get myself out of bed. I never feel the need or the pull to get myself up. I want to just lay there and let the day waste away. When I do get myself out of bed every action is one struggle after another. No matter what it is I have a hard time getting myself to do anything at all. I cannot get myself to read, to draw, to do chores, to exercise, to watch TV, or even to partake in my endless obsessions. I try to get myself to start things but when I try I always get this horrible sinking feeling in my stomach I cannot push past. It is hard to put words to the feeling but, if I had to, I would describe it as a feeling of dread. A feeling of why bother and that I do not really want to do it anyways. Half of the time I give up and I just lay in bed or on the couch trying to sleep. I am always physically and emotionally exhausted. I have a deep sense of being bored all the time. Always needing something to do but not being able to get myself to do anything.

I always feel hopeless. I use to think I was just a pessimistic person but when it floods every aspect of my life it feels like something more. I am extremely irritable at the smallest of things and when I become angry the mood persists for hours on end. I pull into myself and become extremely cold to those around me.

I am emotionally void of all pleasurable feelings. I don’t feel joy or happiness. I do not get excited at anything and I do not find anything funny. I do not feel like I am living life, I feel like I am just dealing with life. I am pushing through each miserable day in hopes that I may one day feel joy. Most of the time I feel like a zombie just going through the motions. I find myself completely blank. My face is completely flat. I do not smile or frown. Even my eyes are blank and do not show anything. Sometimes I do not blink for minutes at a time, just a blank stare void of anything at all.

I absolutely hate being by myself, because that is when the despair hits the hardest, but at the same time I hate being around other people. When I am with other people it is impossible to get my mind to slow down. I can never look at someone in the eyes for more than a second at a time. It is completely nerve wrecking for me, but I feel even more awkward by being unable to look people in the eyes. I am extremely nervous and self conscious. So self conscious about everything I do that is paralyzing and I cannot get myself to take the simplest of actions. So self conscious of what I say that I have to thoroughly think about everything before I say it. I am past the point of being quiet and shy, I am downright silent. When I finally do get myself to say anything my mind goes blank while I am talking. The words come out fast, jumbled, out of order and with entire pieces of sentences missing. I feel like nobody can follow what I am saying or my train of thought. I feel like I always need a story to tell, but I am always to afraid to tell them. I absolutely hate talking on the phone. I can never think of anything to say and I feel like my quietness is even more noticeable on the phone.

I always feel like I am being watched and judged, no matter where I am or who I am with. I am to the point of paranoia. When I overhear conversations I think they are talking about me or I think I can hear them say my name. My heart races so much that it feels like it is my normal pace. My hands are so sweaty all the time it feels awkward to touch them together.

I am always more worried about what other people want than what I want. I do everything in my power to please everybody around me. I am very agreeative. Agreeative to the point where I feel extremely gullible. At the same time I have strong opinions on things like religion, government, and the judicial system. I see things as very right or wrong with little in between. I need approval and praise from everyone I know and I always take criticism personally. I am extremely defensive no matter how hard I try to stop myself. I do not like trying new things because I am afraid of embarrassment. I am terrified of embarrassing myself. It is even worse than taking criticism. I do not take disappointment well at all. It throws me into a mood swing that lasts for hours. I become extremely agitated and irritable. I close off from the world and become an extremely cold person. I am stubborn as hell and refuse everything pleasurable or comfortable while I am in these moods.

When I am around other people I feel like I become what they want me to be. I feel like a chameleon that changes to my surroundings. My thoughts change, my actions change, my likes, my dislikes, my facial expressions, even my voice changes. It is all completely involuntary and I do not always realize I am doing it. I myself am emotionally stagnant but when I am with someone else I take on their emotions. It feels like a deep sense of empathy. When someone is sad I am sad, when they are angry I am angry, when they are happy I am happy, when they laugh I laugh, and when they cry I cry. When I am in a group of people it feels like I do not know how to act because I cannot be that many people at once. Unfortunately the emotions are only on the surface and on the inside I still feel empty. Usually I feel manipulative even though I do it involuntarily. I feel like nobody knows who I am because I do not let them in. I do not have friends, only acquaintances. Everything about me that people see is a show. Every aspect of my life is choreographed for the people around me, a clever disguise that hides my true self. The problem is that I do not even know who I really am anymore. I do not know my own likes and dislikes. I do not get pleasure out of doing something well, I get pleasure out of people seeing me do well. This goes for sports, hobbies, school, and everything else in my life. The only thing that gives me joy is when someone is impressed with me, or proud of me, or pleased with me. It is like a little high when someone praises me but at the same time I always feel undeserving. I cannot take a compliment gracefully to save my life.

My relationships with people are very rough. I have a very hard time trusting people but at the same time I throw myself into relationships all too fast. Very early they become very deep for me even if the feelings are only one sided. Relationships for me are very up and down. I think of someone as being perfect and love them entirely then hate them fully and do not talk to them for hours or days at a time. I often contemplate the difference of being infatuated with someone and being in love with someone. I constantly desire to be with someone else. To relieve this constant ache of loneliness, but at the same time a relationship is the last thing I want because they always end in heartache. I push people away that try to get close, mostly in fear of impending separation. Nothing lasts forever.

I have serious memory issues. I cannot remember anything from my childhood and I am lucky to remember things from just a year or two ago. Even my short term memory is bad. I am constantly forgetting to do chores or finish doing chores. I will forget I have clothes in the wash or forget to call someone. I feel extremely absent minded. I cannot remember names or faces to save my life.

I have a serious issue with compulsive spending. Whenever I have money I have a hard time hanging on to it. I spend it on my endless hobbies as fast as I can get it. I also have a problem with binge eating. I am never hungry during the day and I eat very little but at night or when I am alone I get impulses to eat. Its not really that I am hungry, it is more of just an urge to eat. I eat until my stomach hurts usually. I have a problem with reckless driving whenever I am alone in a car. I have been in 5 or 6 accidents and have been pulled over 10 or 11 times. i have abused weed, cigarettes and alcohol for a few years now but have been clean of that junk for a few months now.

I am a sick masochist, enjoying all physical pain. I have felt this way since before I can remember. When I was little I would get people to give me Indian burns or pound on my hand when I laid it on the table. I would impress people with how much pain I could take and I would relish the attention. When I got older I turned to more self inflicted pain which i now go through great lengths to hide. I would punch walls and doors in an attempt to get my knuckles as black and blue and swollen as possible. I would then clench and unclench my fists trying to intensify the pain in my knuckles. I would punch when I was in fits of anger, but when I was more self loathing I would turn to burning. I have tried putting cigarettes out on my flesh but the ashes leave a mess. I prefer to heat up a metal object and hold it to my skin. As I hold the metal to my flesh I can tell when it hits a third degree burn, because it will no longer immediately hurt. So I will slide the metal across my skin trailing the third degree burn into a second degree burn and then into a first degree burn so I could feel all the levels of pain. The most severe of my self harming is the cutting. I cut when I feel lonely. When the emotional pain is so overwhelming that it physically hurts. It feels like a tightening deep in the back of my chest. My hands start to shake and I can hear my heartbeat. It just hurts so much I thirst for the sting of a cut. When the blade parts the skin I watch as the blood floods the chasms in my flesh. I see the blood flow in streams down my arm and I yearn for more. I feel the urge to go deeper and deeper. I need to go deeper. I need the blood to flow longer.



i know i've just written a wall of text and i dont honestly think anyone will read all of it. i tried to be vague so i could keep it short but i feel like i could go on for hours with everything i see wrong in my life. Especially on the relationship aspects of my life.
one thing that comes to mind is how at conflict social phobia and borderline tends to be. The constant need to be around people and the constant need for approval and reassurance is at odds with the fact that im completely incapable of being comfortable around other people.

Hey Dx,

I'm bipolar and alot of what describing happens to most of us with depression type disorders. You are not alone, not in the least bit. I went through the most trying time of my life the last two years while I've been at school and ended up in a psych ward. You're right, getting out of bed can be one of the hardest tasks to accomplish some days. You just have to try, find things that you know will interest you once you get out of bed. Even if it is video games or a TV show, getting the motivation to do something is half the battle. When you are depressed it is hard for you to see the point or even past today. You cannot see a future that exist, but it does! All of us that you find on these forums that are alive and being part of society are proof that you can get past this point. Sounds like you have bad social anxiety too, talking too fast, blank mind, not being able to look someone in the eye and fast heart rate/sweaty palms are all part of generalized anxiety. I am the same way but therapy has helped me deal with those problems. There are anxiety meds that help greatly, I'm on Ativan and I do not get panic attacks anymore. Paranoia is another symptom of mental illness too, I use to think that my roommate could read my mind (which he obviously can't do lol) and that every person I met was a cop (I use to smoke alot of weed) trying to bust me. I use to hurt myself alot too, I loved to burn my wrist with a cigarette lighter. Once your meds start to kick in these problems become easier to deal with, the mind-set you are in will start to thin and you will be able to see through it! I'm not saying everything will be honkey dorey and life will be perfect but It WILL be much better. Definitely see a therapist, they will show you the path to sorting out your thoughts and dealing with them properly. My point is you are not alone, we all feel the pain you are going through and know it can be lessened. Life is worth living and the lack of pleasure will disappear. Hang in there bud, we all are living proof that depression can be beaten! Post back, I wanna hear what you have to say. Take care

,mb

thanks for the reply. i have just started seeing a psychologist and a psychiatrist. I was involuntarily placed in a mental ward for trying to kill myself about a month ago and it was mandatory to set them up before they would release me. Im 19 and this is the first time i have sought any type of professional help even though these issues have plagued me since before i can remember. They have already tried me on at least 7 or 8 different meds and i guess im still just so pessimistic about therapy and meds. It's good to hear reassurance though.

Hello,
I read your whole post. I found it interesting, a "good" description of common things most of those with BPD go through ( I myself don't have BPD).
I think you explained your experience quite well. I try to read about BPD (as well as some other disorders) since there are people who I know and care about, who seem to have certain disorders.

Although it seems many with BPD have a perfectionistic type element to them, it seems you have an extra amount of self consciousness which is coming out as social phobia.

I used to have a form of social phobia myself. Your internal struggle of wanting to be social and then finding it so hard- that sounds pretty rough. I personally go through swings of wanting to/being social and then not being interested.
I still have some of the self consciousness, I too hate talking on the phone, I prefer communication through writing. I have a weird reason though- I hate figuring out how to close a conversation. I dunno maybe I don't want to make someone feel bad or I hate uncomfortable moments. It's even usually easier in person, there are more things to distract from.

Anyway, I hope your writing the post helped you in some way, venting feelings or helping to gather your thoughts. We know more people read on forums than post. So, probably a bunch of people read what you wrote.
Even though I don't have BPD I can find various things in your experience that apply to me. I'm sure it's the same for many others.

take care

Thanks for replying DT.

I find what you said about ending conversations on the phone interesting. Besides awkward silence being the worst for me on the phone finding a way to end a conversation is definitely the second worst. I end up getting caught on a phone with talkative people. i just keep saying umhmmm, yup, no, yes, etc and try to pretend like im listening even though my mind is racing too much to figure out a way to end the one sided conversation.
i guess im stuck though becuase texting or emailing someone can be just a nerve wrecking for me. I have to check what i typed at least 10 times and then after i send it i have to check it multiple times again im so paranoid. The doc says i have OCD too and in some instances i guess i do.

**sighs** like i said i could go on for hours with issues. but thank you for the reply. It is good to just vent and talk

Dx,
It is very good to vent. It gives you a break. take a load off.

keep going to your psych doctors. You do sound depressed.
Maybe try diffferent meds or combonation. i had to do that.

one project at a time. I hope you start working on you and
you will feel better in no time!

happiness and stregnth and high self esteem to you,
red

Once again I am alone at night cutting and feeling as down as ever. Listening to depressive music and reading online forums about disorders, cutting and suicide. Is a part of me trying to put myself deeper into this hole I feel? I feel as if I am drawn to it, like I desire this depression… but why? It doesn’t matter what I do during the day. I can spend the entire day with family and friends but the second I am alone this darkness takes me. I cannot get myself to do anything. I just spin deeper and deeper inside my head. Alone, empty, bored and hopeless.
I knew this was a bad idea but I went ahead with it anyways. My never ending desire to analyze every aspect of myself and everything I have done once again brought me pain. I dug up some old writings from about four years ago, back from when I was in love. Some poetry and whatnot. I am reading through it and now I cannot stop myself from continuing. It hurts so much to remember what I once had. And yet remembering exactly why it went bad hurts so much more. I’m reading through it and I am lost in the passion of my own words. I realize how deep my feelings were and it makes it that much more unbearable. I remember just how much I idealized her. Just how much I was truly lost in love. And yet just how messed up I really was. How screwed up I was to sabotage the one time I was ever truly happy. I remember it though, the anger I felt towards her at times. How could I love someone so completely and blindly one second and then hate them so much the next. How could I turn on someone so many times? How could I have gone into so many mood swings where I wouldn’t talk to her for hours on end? Ignore her and hate her so much. Blame everything on her and lash out at her because of it. Cause her so much pain. I cannot blame her for ending it with me. Who wouldn’t? This ache of loneliness is so excruciating right now. So many nights I have felt like this though. So many nights I have silently cried inside. So many nights my only comfort was the blade. Why does it hurt like this? I feel as if this deep hole inside me will never be filled. How could it be filled? How could anyone truly love a creature like me? Someone as unstable and selfish as myself. Someone who would lash out at anyone that tries to get close.

All I love is everything you are
All I want is to be with you
To stare into your eyes
And lay there all night
To feel your warmth
And hold you tight
To feel the love
And kiss you just right
You’re all I want and all I need
The one I love, the one of my dreams

As I lay there with you
I’m captured by your beauty
All my worries melt away
And I fall into the dream
The love sweeps over me
And all I can think about is you
Everything you are is amazing
And I never want to let you go
Don’t let me let you go

My own words hit me like knives in the gut. The last line is especially brutal. Even then I could tell I had issues. Even then I could tell what I was doing. I could tell that I was pushing her away. I remember writing that line. There is so much meaning in it. More than she will ever know. So much guilt I feel it is unbearable. Maybe on some level I feel like I deserve this. I deserve this depression I feel. Deserve these social phobias and other issues. On some level this feels like justification for all I’ve ###$ up in my life. Maybe that is why I cling to the feeling of pain. Why I almost desire this. Maybe I am just that sick. But then again I have had these problems long before any relationships I have had. Long before I can even remember. But that doesn’t matter anymore. This blind hate I feel towards myself is real. This self loathing even brings somewhat relief. Maybe if I hate myself as much as everyone else hates me I can feel normal on some level.

Dx,
Hey please no cutting!
I have been in a depression, like you are, just as deep, I promise you, I understand.

You are not a failure, for hurting. But if reading forums, makes you feel worse, don't do it.

I can promise you that I came from being consumed of self hate, and longing to die to now, I am happy, I am empowered.

I urge you to try medication, I had too. I am a bright, smart person like you. I did not think I need meds. I know now I can live like I was in that black hole, or enjoy hearing the birds, sunrise, sunset, I write poetry too, always have.

If I can find change, I am sure you can.

Hugs to you,
Red

Hey Man,

Please don't hurt yourself..I know it is hard sometimes when you are lost in loneliness with only your depressing thoughts to comfort you. If there is anyone who can understand your loneliness it is me..I hate saying this because it is so embarrassing..I'm 21 and I've never been in a serious relationship. Take solace in the fact that at one time you did feel so close to someone and that proves it will happen again! Now with you gaining understanding of yourself day by day will help you be able to open up to someone more easily. You will be able to find someone that understands you and is willing to put up with mood changes and emotional isolation that people like us undergo. I'm lost in confusion trying to figure myself out too. Being in our adolescence this is the stage in life we stand at. Trying to find our purpose and direction in this existence which is the largest hurdle a person needs to pass in their life. If we both can do this what does it say about us? How strong we are to overcome such a challenging time. We are able to do something that the average person could never do nor understand. Stay safe man. Please post back to show you're okay.

Thank you both for the replies. yours words are kind with reassurance.
I am feeling a bit better tonight, was just a really bad night last night. Self harming doesn't bother me that much, its just something i do. The feelings that lead to self harming is what really hurts.
I am seeing my psychiatrist on monday to have my meds changed again and i see my psychologist every other day at this point. Idk its just hard to be anything but hopeless. I really am trying hard but these feelings are just so overwhelming.
Your words really are helpful and inspiring though so thank you again.