New to forum, hubby diagnosed BPD

Hi, I found this forum and started reading some of the posts. My hubby was diagnosed with BPD last June. Since then we have had an endless round of GP appointments and a few psychiatrist appointments but even though they promise to get him into CBT and sort medication for him we're still waiting for anything to actually happen. He can't cope with the way he feels so every few weeks he goes on drinking binges and when he does he just doesn't care how much he hurts or abuses me and the kids (2 are his and 1 is mine...his 17 yr old son is diagnosed as having psychosis). 3 years of drinking binges, physical and emotional abuse, followed by smashing the house up and me calling the police in to have him removed just got too much for me to take. Things got so bad we separated in September so I could make sure my 13yr old son didnt suffer any more upset. Since December his 2 live with him and so far he's managed to hold down his job and pay the rent, but its only been 3 months and he's not likely to keep it up - he didnt when he was here but my job paid the mortgage and bills so we were ok in that respect . We still love each other and still want to make it work, we see each other as much as we can and are in contact every day. He wants help, therapy etc but we don't seem to be getting anywhere, just pushed from one appointment full of promises to another. As I'm writing this he's blind drunk again after 6 weeks of being sober and reasonable. We're both desparate to find a little bit of light at the end of the tunnel so we're looking into going for private therapy (we live in the Northwest UK). I do think that a lot of the time I start him off again due to my lack of understanding of his illness. Any advice for coping with someone with BPD, how best to deal with the rages etc would be appreciated as I'm only just starting to come to terms with and understand the illness he has.

Lynnh

Hi Lynnh,

Why are you using his BPD as a kind of defence for his alcoholism? Well, that's at least the way that I interpreted your message. Okay, maybe he is depressed - and maybe he drinks because of it - but he can't use BPD as an excuse. Anyway, is he genuinely prepared to seek therapy for what has been happening? Before seeking therapy, can I suggest that you look into ALANON instead?

http://www.al-anonuk.org.uk/

You can choose your country/county here: http://www.al-anonuk.org.uk/groupsAndMeetings.asp

No, he doesn't make any excuses for his drinking and neither do I. He already goes to AA meetings 5 nights a week, says it helps somewhat, but he doesn't really feel like he fits in there because he doesnt get cravings for a drink like most of the others there do. When he isn't feeling like his head is going to explode he doesn't drink at all. He was treated for depression for 4 years after his first wife died, and recently for 2 years up until he was diagnosed as having BPD when the psychiatrist said the anti-depressants he was taking were probably making him worse and stopped them. Yes he is doing everything he can to get therapy and treatment, the point I was making is that neither of these have been given even though the 2 psychiatrists he has seen (who told him that he is definitely not an alcoholic), have said they would arrange both, then one lost his records and the other never followed up with any further appointments for anything. So in the meantime, until we get further, is there anything I can possibly do to cope better with the rages he goes through from escalating to a point where he goes off and leaves his son to cope alone alone for days at a time because a lot of a time I feel that the way I deal with it just makes him worse

Hi,

I'm sorry, it seems like you have trie an awful lot of things already to make things better. Can I just say thuogh that anti-depressants and alcohol generally don't go well together. So, while his anti-depressant didn't work, the reason why it didn't work was because he was still drinking. Look, I used to have terrible anger outbursts and depression but I gave up drink and just stayed on my anti-depressant. it calmed me down and 'took away' the anger and depression slowly.

he needs to make big committments and decisions and then stick with them.

Thank you so much for replying to me again. It just seems like we're trapped in a vicious circle with no way out. I won't give up on him though. He's going back to his GP and ask for help again, in the meantime I'm trying to be as calm as possible whatever happens. He can't handle stress in any shape or form and unfortunately he has had plenty in his lifetime to cope with, starting from his parents abandoning him, through him having to nurse his wife until her death and then bring up 3 small children alone, and now his son being diagnosed schizophrenic and a suicide risk, and his youngest daughter going completely off the rails. Its not all bad though, we do get positive times lasting for months and those are the bits we look to for the future. Thanks for your help and advice, it was just nice to have someone to talk to apart from myself

No problem Lynnh. I'll just say though that my extended family have had some problems too but they eventually ironed themselves out with the help of medication. I think that i've already mentioned that i had to take medication too. My opinion is that some people are just susceptible to becoming depressed due to the way the world/society works - know what I mean? However, if things and conditions could just change even a small bit, then these people (myself included) could be happy.

I mean, society cannot cater for everyone, can it? it's unfortunate.

You do NOT set off his behavior (unless you are consciously instigating him in some way, which it doesn't sound like you are).


It's a catch-22 with them, isn't it? If you do something or don't do something, it's bound to set them off. Why? Because it has nothing at all to do with the spouse and EVERYTHING to do with his nature, his personality disorder.


Please if you can, read the books by Patricia Evans: The Emotionally Abusive Relationship and Controlling People.

Once you read those, you'll see that his behavior is HIS to own and take responsibility for and that the abusive behavior would be "set off" by ANYONE to whom he was married or in a relationship.

It has NOTHING to do with your lack of understanding of his problems. In fact you do not have to understand it at all. You have to think of yourself and your children's safety (emotional and physical safety).

You acknowledge that he's an abuser. Hope you realize that you and the kids do NOT deserve to be abused. It does not matter the "whys" of his behavior. No one deserves that kind of treatment.

Edit: Also, a good way to somehow cope with the verbal abuse during the rages is to: When he says "You" switch it to "I" in your head and if he says "I" switch it to "You"....so if he says, "You're crazy. Why do I put up with you?, what he is really saying is "I'm crazy. Why do you put up with me?"

I did this during the last few months I lived with my husband and it really did help keep my sanity. Best wishes.