Need help understanding

Hi everyone,

I have been in a relationship with a guy who has bpd for 16 months now, well, currently we have broken up because for some reason, he breaks up with me regularly for no majorly obvious reason. I spent the first 8 months of this relationship being idolised and continuously told how much he loved me, begging me to spend more time with him (we have a ldr) and getting really upset when i could not come to see him. He begged me for months to come and live with him, but i wanted to take things slowly because i never think it is a good idea to rush into relationships head on andi told him this, i was not long out of a relationship also, and wanted to be certain about this one before making any big changes in my life.

It seems though, that as soon as i decided i was madly in love with him and knew i wanted to be with him, he practically did a 360 on me; suddenly he no longer loved me and said he probably never really did, just thought he did, he was less kind and suddenly became aggressive, raged, name called (which has gotten worse and worse as time has went on) at first i was raged at/name called because i was crying and upset that he was breaking up with me again (every time i came home to my own city, he would wait a few days, start a fight with me, usually completely out of the blue, then break up with me. The break up would last anything from 3 weeks to 8 weeks and would usually result in him suddenly acting as though nothing had happened and would ask me to come and stay with him) I am so confused, so hurt and so desperate to know why he does this. At the moment he is still insisting we are no longer together and that he does not want me to be in contact any more (he seems to always blame me for every fight, even though he manahes to kick off regardless of whether i stay completely calm, indifferent or angry at him...it makes no difference most of the time) Hpwever, when i agree to no contact and tell him he should perhaps block me on his phone etc, he always comes back saying "no, i would never block you or don't be so childish, no need to block anyone and tells me to chill out. But he is the one who continuously threatens no contact if i even disagree with him, so why change his mind as soon as i agree and try to go no contact???

I just need some help! He tells me he hates me, wants me to die, thinks i am ugly, tells me i am stalking him if i even send one text in a week, calls me, then starts telling me not to call him, then asks why i never call him and he does all the calling...then he will apologise an hour later for all the horrible names. He frequently tells me that we do not get on and that it is over between us, then he will ask me in the middle of telling me to get over him, that he does not believe i love him. If i say i did or i do, he tells me he does not love me and that i do not act like i love him! I find it bizarre thatg he would even say anything about my feelings for him when he simply tells me he does not love me..how can he think he has a right to question my feelings.

I have been broken up with and told the relationship would be casual, then after 4 months of casual, i was told i don't want casual, i just want friends, then he wanted to see me again and started making moves on me. Then he goes back to wanting to see me again casual, then back to just friends...it is driving me insane. Please someone help me understand this disorder and why he does this.

Psychiatry doesn't fully understand borderline.
A person could drive themselves crazy trying to understand Borderline.
You just have to accept it for what it is, a serious mental illness marked by patterns of instabilty and turmoil.

Until you accept that you will constantly torment yourself trying to figure out why this guy does the thing he does.

Sorry to be so blunt but is best that you relise this now before you spend years going round in circles trying to make it a healthy functioning relationship because that my friend it will never be.

So if you be plan on sticking with him be prepared to have your work cut out for you.

coldhands wrote:Psychiatry doesn't fully understand borderline.
A person could drive themselves crazy trying to understand Borderline.
You just have to accept it for what it is, a serious mental illness marked by patterns of instabilty and turmoil.

Until you accept that you will constantly torment yourself trying to figure out why this guy does the thing he does.

Sorry to be so blunt but is best that you relise this now before you spend years going round in circles trying to make it a healthy functioning relationship because that my friend it will never be.

So if you be plan on sticking with him be prepared to have your work cut out for you.

I do realise that it is a major struggle for him to be involved in a close, romantic relationship and i also relaise that i would have my work cut out for me if i wanted to be with him. What i don't understand though, is the reason he has pushed me so far away after pulling me so close and spending every waking minute pleading with me to be with him. Just to turn around and verbally abuse me, name call, scream and rage at me and try so hard to hurt me by saying things such as "move on" "we are over" "i want a calm relationship with a calm girl who can handle me" I am calm, he is the one who is not!

I love this guy more than anything and i am struggling so bad right now dealing with none to little contact with him, i am fighting daily not to just contact him (because he said he does not think talking is helping right now, that is why i am making no contact) But i don't know how he can just cope ok with this no contact, the fact that he is not making any contact with me either, makes me think he has just forgotten me and moved on already. It really, truly hurts.

bananafeet wrote:
Just to turn around and verbally abuse me, name call, scream and rage at me and try so hard to hurt me by saying things such as "move on" "we are over" "i want a calm relationship with a calm girl who can handle me" I am calm, he is the one who is not!

I love this guy more than anything.

I'm going to be blunt with you bananafeet, and I must say I'm also coming out of a 6,5 year relationship with an BPD/HPD.

There is ABSOLUTELY no way anyone could ever fullfil the expectacions of a BPD.

The only option you would have to even think about staying with him it would be if he accepted he needed treatment. And even so you would be risking yourself to be "drained out" by his moods and tempers.

Of course, you could try to convince him he needs treatment. But before you do that, read my signature. It is taken from a professional, speaking about BPD.

I'm so sorry, but you've got to let go.

That you are feeling, after being mistreated by him, it is not love. It might be obsession. Maybe you should seek help for codependency. I am

Be strong. You deserve to find someone who gives you the same you give to him... And who treats you with the respect you deserve.